Uncomfortable as a cis male and worried about the side effects of HRT

[I_Know_I_Matter]

Hello! I'm an 18 (soon to be 19) year old cisgender male with autism who is currently struggling with his gender identity. I've been thinking about coming out as transgender but there are many obstacles blocking my path. The main reason is because my family isn't that welcoming to the LGBTQ+ community. The other is because if/when I start taking estrogen, there's some things that will remain permanent if I decide to detransition. I've listed some pros and cons below.

Arguments for:

• I recently changed my pronouns from "he/him" to "he/him + she/her" to see how others see me
• I'm uncomfortable with facial hair and armpit hair
• I'm uninterested in many activities that males are usually interested in
• I've had to stop using my real name due to harassment and other mental health concerns
• Lots of males I've met are jerks and I don't necessarily fit into this category
• Sometimes I wonder what it might feel like to wear a dress

Arguments against:

• I don't mind my voice or most of my appearance
• I feel as if this is influenced by the amount of time I spend online
• I haven't decided on what my new name should be if I do transition
• I'm worried about the side effects of HRT and the potentially irreversible damage it could do to my body (breast growth caused by taking estrogen is permanent and I don't know if there's a cure)
• Most of my family is transphobic
• There could be a better gender identity that describes me so I don't have to worry about potential risks

So yeah. I don't want to start taking hormones because certain effects are permanent, but is there a gender identity that best fits me? Like I said, I've started to use both he/him and she/her pronouns, but I don't really feel comfortable with they/them though.

[Sophie_M]

Hello and welcome to the forums!

Thank you so much for such an open and vulnerable post. We are very happy to be able to provide a safe space for you to share your thoughts and feelings. 

First of all, I want to commend your courage and ability to be curious about what gender looks and feels like for you. Second of all, I want you to know that it's okay to not have it all figured out yet. You are allowed to ebb and flow between her and him (maybe them at some point), until you settle on the pronoun/s that feels right. 

It would be really hard to feel like you can't explore this part of you with your family. I am really sorry to hear you aren't feeling supported by them... is there anyone in your life you can turn to for guidance? For example, do you have any LGBTQIA+ friends or are a part of any queer groups? Perhaps you could connect with QLife for more support and connection? They are a wonderful organisation who help people in your position: QLife - Support and Referrals

Your fears around HRT are understandable and would be best supported by chatting with a GP. If you Google 'Gender Affirming Care, GP', you should be able to find an appropriate person to talk about this with in more depth. 

I would also like to encourage you to write down in your notes app when you feel the most like you. You know those moments where everything feels aligned and you are more light, open, happy? Take note of those moments. They might guide you closer towards your answer over time. Not just with this, but with anything you're feeling uncertain about! 

Please let us know how you go - you are doing amazing work already, simply by reaching out. Thank you for sharing your story. 
💙

Warm regards, 
Sophie M.