Deceased partner

[Aljay]

My partner of over 30 years passed away a week ago unexpectedly from a second stroke. I am struggling to find any purpose and how to move forward. He was everything and I am struggling to see a way forward. 

[white knight]

I'm sorry you're going through this grief and yes, it's a tough process that seems no way through.

Please try to have faith that, you will find improvement in accepting your loss although for everyone that timeline is variable. So a few suggestions-

• Buy a pot plant/small tree/a rose in honour of their memory. Every time you water it, think about how they would smile 
• Try to set aside periods for your grief. 20 minutes here and there rather than feeling down all the time. This will allow you to eventually fit back into your regime of shopping and other errands.  
• Find others to talk to that dont mind sharing your memories. Try to make it brief as it can be taxing on others.
• Eventually you might want to introduce a social night into your routine when you are ready. Just a friend or 3 or 4.

Apart from those suggestions grief is something we have little control over. My dad passed in 1992 at 64yo. He was an amazing father and I miss him still. But I have for many years said to myself "what would he want for me now"? and the answer is always the same.... for me to enjoy my life as much as possible.  You will get to that stage and thats when you've moved forward enough that you are back on track. That weill happen.

I wish you well.

BEAUTY OF LIFE (for you)

Of the breeze that brings us a falling leaf

Our passing partners and our grief

Honour and pride in our belief

ladybug hides underneath

For life is everywhere and beauty abounds

The greenery, the smells, the sounds

Keeps our feet firmly on the ground

the beauty of life has no bounds

For a bee will still gather the nectar 

and there will always be stars

choose one for your loving partner

they'll look upon you ....forever....

TonyWK

[indigo22]

Hello,

Welcome and thank you for reaching out to us.

I am so sorry for your loss, 30 years is a long time to have been with your partner.

It has happened so recently and because it was sudden and unexpected, your nervous system has been thrown into a state of dysregulation. Now is not the time to be trying to make any decisions, it is the time to allow those raw emotions to pass through you and not try to hold them down.

I highly suggest finding a grief counselling group or individual counsellor to help you get through this early stage. Your GP can help to arrange this or you can call the helpline below and they will help you find support in your area. Getting some help at this early stage will be beneficial for you in moving through the grief.

Griefline - available 8am-8pm EST 7 days - 1300 845 745

outside of these hours you can call the following

Beyond Blue - available 24/7 - 1300 224 636

Lifeline - available 24/7 - 13 11 14

You need someone to lean on right now. Do you have friends or family you can turn to for support?

We will be here for you also, you don't need to go through this alone.

Just please don't expect too much of yourself at the moment, it will take some time before you can begin to think clearly again.

Please feel free to continue this conversation whenever you feel the need.

Take good care of yourself in the meantime,

indigo 🌹

[Lynda]

I understand your grief,i am mourning a loved one too,2 days ago..no matter what poeple tell me its all better said then done,i feel your pain immensly and its hard,head torture,you have my back,your not alone,i lost my brother to suicide a few years ago,felt like no way out,now,i feel the same even though i have been through it before,the grief is real yet again.

[Aljay]

Thanks for your kind words and suggestions

[Aljay]

Thank you indigo. Im not able to talk about it without breaking down. Images of his final days wont leave me, Im just doing chores around the house to keep busy but they will run out. I have a memorial to arrange and also tend to his affairs. I have family who were very supportive during the lead up to his death, but now have their own lives to manage. I have a GP appointment next week.

[Aljay]

Thanks Lynda I am sorry for your loss - I have never experienced grief and despair at this level. Im completely lost in an empty house.

[white knight]

Hi again Aljay

"an empty house". I've had 4 long term relationships and have been happily married this time, my 2nd marriage. But those previous ones, all over 7 years long were crippling upon separation.  That empty house situation... and 30 years I cant imagine the sorrow.

It takes bravery to pick yourself up and do a common normal task alone but really, there is no alternative and the more we try the easier it does become. What I found after separating from my 1st wife (11 years) was to work physically so hard during the day that I'd go to bed early that night and sleep ok. If I woke in the middle of the night I'd go on the computer until my eyes got heavy and return to bed. 

Indigo22 has suggested a grief counsellor which would be a wise move. I hope youre ok

TonyWK

[indigo22]

Hi again Aljay,

I can empathise, I was holding my mothers hand when she took her last breath and I can still see that moment vividly even after 14 years. The difference is that now I don't feel the strong emotional impact when that moment pops into my thoughts.

Other than doing chores around the house, you could keep your mind busy for a time by reading a book that interests you or taking up a craft or artistic expression of some sort, this type of expression can be very healing. Listing to music can also be very healing. Nature is possibly the most healing of all, walks on a beach, in a botanical garden, a forest, by a lake or even just spending time tending to your garden.

Whilst you are finding it difficult to talk about your feelings, try writing them down in a journal or notebook. This will help you to move some of your circulating thoughts out of your head and into physical reality. It is another way of expressing yourself and working through your emotions. We are also here to listen and help you through this. The devastation you are feeling right now will get easier with time. I am speaking from experience as I have been through the grieving process for 4 family members and 2 very close friends. Each time is as hard as any other, but the grey cloud does eventually lift.

I am glad you have set up an appointment with your GP. Please don't feel you need to get everything done immediately. The important things (legal things) need to be done, but the rest can be done over time when you are feeling less vulnerable. It took me 2 years before I could arrange to scatter my fathers ashes at sea, I wasn't ready to deal with it until then.

I know you are not ready to hear this, but keep it in mind for future reference. The journey of our life is similar to a book with different chapters. You have just completed an extra long chapter in the book of your life and are at the beginning of a new chapter. You may not like the new chapter at the moment, but give it time, as it progresses, it may surprise you and not be as bad as you imagine.

We are thinking of you,

indigo 🌹