Gender Identity

[Ash_music]

This chat is for if your having an Identity crisis, or if your having trouble because of your gender

[Ash_music]

Hi I'm 13 and I I'm non-binary. I am a coach for gymnastics and I do acrobatics. One of the acro mums have recently reached out to the head coach at your gym. She has complained that I am being inappropriate for telling people my gender. I also draw on my arms with eyeliner as a substitute for self-harm. Apparently this is a problem as well. She says that my drawings are 'to dark' for little kids. I'm not sure what to do. The gym was my only safe space and now I'm not even allowed to talk about stuff there. What should I do? 

[indigo22]

Hi Ash_music,

Welcome and thank you for reaching out to us.

I'm sorry you are being challenged with this situation, it's not always easy to feel like you fit in if you are different.

You have not said what the head coach's response was, are they supportive of you?

I think it is wonderful that you have found an alternative to hurting yourself using creative drawing with eyeliner. Could you perhaps do this on a part of your body that is not so easily seen as a compromise? We all need our safe space so taking some steps to compromise may help you to keep that safe space for yourself.

I think sometimes we also need to be aware of who we talk to about our more personal aspects, not everyone will understand and we should try to respect the boundaries of others when having those conversations. Are there any groups in your area that might be worth looking into? You might find a group on facebook.

There is also a website that may interest you - qlife.org.au - it would be worth seeing what resources that have to offer.

I hope this helps and please feel free to continue the conversation it you wish.

Take care of yourself,

indigo

[Ash_music]

thank you indigo. I appreciate the responce

[Sophie_M]

Thank you so much for starting a thread for people to talk about this, Ash_music. 💙

[Tilster_42]

Hey everyone. Firstly, thank you for starting this thread mate. Secondly, I think I've been experiencing gender dysphoria, and I don't know what to do. I don't exactly want to discuss this because it's a sensitive topic for me, but it's been three years, and I need help.

So my family found out about my half-hearted attempt at transitioning, and that ended up being one of the worst nights of my life, which I think is part of the reason why I can't bring myself to take that next step. Another reason is probably assuming that my feelings aren't valid because I'm so on and off about it all the time. Some days I'll be dead-set on being girl, other days I would kill to be a guy, and sometimes I want to be neither or both at the same time...? But how can I say I'm a boy because I feel like a boy? Isn't that just reinforcing a gender binary? Because it doesn't matter what gender you are. Anyone can have a butch cut or wear shirts and trousers.

I don't know how to feel right now. I've learnt to dread talking about this and I'm being very vague, but does anybody understand or relate to what I'm feeling?

[sbella02]

Hey Ash_music, thank you so much for starting this thread, what a beautiful and welcoming space. I'm very interested in anything LGBTQIA+, being part of the community myself, so I might have a little insight into your situation.

Sometimes, people hate what they do not understand. Some people tend to have this reaction to queer themes, and unfortunately, arguing or trying to explain ourselves won't do very much in these situations. I've encountered many people like this over the years, and it's frustrating and upsetting to meet somebody with this seemingly unexplained, unwitting disdain for you. Some people are just set in their ways and beliefs, and people are entitled to have boundaries with regards to these. 

BUT this doesn't make our identity any less valid. There are people out there who feel the same as you, have felt the same as you, and will welcome you into their spaces with open arms. I think it's great that you have found an identity that you resonate with, not everybody knows who they are or where they fit in at this age. Just know that your identity can be fluid too, and if you ever feel yourself moving through different labels as you grow and develop, that's okay. Your identity is valid at every stage.

I think it's great that you've found a way to express yourself that does not harm you. The eyeliner was always my go-to as well, or I would draw on myself with a dark pen. My drawings tend to be on the darker side, thematically. I invested in a little sketchbook where I could express those darker themes freely and teach myself new artistic techniques for better expression. I also began painting and sculpting (with clay), which are still two of my favourite hobbies now in my adult life. I leaned into creative makeup in my teens as well, which I wouldn't wear at school, but it was always fun creating new looks in my personal time at home. 

Having a sketchbook could still be a way of satisfying that urge and expressing yourself creatively - otherwise, as Indigo has said, if you still enjoy drawing on your skin as a medium, it might be worth drawing in slightly different places to avoid that unhelpful judgement from others. 

Would you feel comfortable opening up to a school counsellor about how you're feeling at all? Or even any teachers, peers, or loved ones? It may help to be able to talk through things with somebody who can understand your feelings, but is also able to validate and appreciate your identity. 

I hope this helps, please feel free to keep chatting with us if you'd like. We're here to support you.

Take care, SB

[sbella02]

Tilster_42, thank you for joining this thread, it's great to see people interacting here. I'm sorry to hear that you've been battling with this. I can understand how it would be a sensitive topic as it's such a personal journey, so thank you for opening up to us and sharing your story. 

Gender dysphoria, from what I understand, can be a very isolating feeling. It can often be validating to hear the experiences of others who have similar feelings and questions regarding their identity, and you might be able to find people with similar experiences to yourself on places like Reddit and Discord under designated threads. Provided you're being safe when interacting with people in these online spaces, these can be great places if you're seeking answers or potentially talking yourself through labels that you may resonate with.

There are several facets of gender identity that can make gender dysphoria such a difficult feeling to deal with. To boil it down to really digestible components, being comfortable with your outward appearance can be a big contributor to how you're feeling. For instance, if you feel better in traditionally "feminine" clothes like flowing dresses and high heels, you may lean more towards the feminine end of the spectrum. If you're more comfortable wearing suits, cutting your hair short, and large boots, you may feel like you identify more with the "masculine" side.

Keep in mind, these are very stereotypical presentations of gender (gender is a socially constructed ideal that is loosely based on sex but is also highly subject to cultural changes), but they can help orient you if you're struggling to picture where you might fit on the spectrum.

Another thing to keep in mind is that gender is and can be very fluid. One day, you may feel like you fit better on one end of the spectrum than the following day. If you have a Google search into gender fluidity, you may find some interesting resources, depending on whether you feel that you need a label. Some people like to label their feelings, and others feel like this is restrictive and doesn't truly represent where they fit due to the fluidity of their feelings. I like labels, they're nice and concrete to me - I feel like I resonate most strongly with "bisexual", for instance. 

I hope this helps, if you need any more support or just want to chat some more, feel free to keep the conversation going. 

All the best, SB

[Ash_music]

Thank You. I do a lot of painting and drawing on notebooks and I love doing creative makeup

I do a lot of special effects ones using my clay as makeup prosthetics

[Tilster_42]

Hi sBella02, thank you so much for finding the time to reply. 

You're right. Gender fluidity is a label that I could comfortably use, but for my situation it still requires physical alteration, which poses the question: is the transition to lessen my discomfort and dysphoria worth the effort and familial judgment?

Maybe I can take that step when I gain independence and start building a life for myself. Maybe then I'll have more freedom to decide who I want to be without worrying what the people close to me might say or do, because no matter how much I try to gaslight myself into believing I'll be fine, my family will not be okay with it (hell, they never were), and I'm young enough to still be under their care for the next few years.

I don't like gender, and I disagree with the boxes it forces us into, however I'm happy for those who have found a label that grants them peace of mind. Like you said, it feels conclusive and solid, granting one the ability to express themself as an individual with an acknowledged place in society. I know how important it can be because I only recently found out I was bisexual, and that was a major turning point for my headspace and self-expression. I just wish I could say the same about my gender.

I'm definitely overcomplicating all this, but if I'm being honest, it feels like I'm drifting, being not completely sold on any gender, but worried that if I drift for too long in that uncertain space, my identity won't be valid. Of course this isn't true, but we are our own worst enemies, and I'm worried that my emotions on this matter will burden me to the point where my feelings cloud my rational thinking, and I do something I'll regret.

You can respond if you want. I'm half venting, half seeking support. What support, I’m not sure, but anyone's input will matter a lot.

Thank you, 

Til