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I'm confused
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I am 20, all through school I had friends all through different sexualities..
I have been questioning my own, as I have completely given up on guys because I'm sick of being used, cheated on and abandoned.
But I've recently met an amazing young woman and I really like her, if this does end up as a relationship it would be my first wlw relationship.. but I'm not exactly sure what sexuality I am, and how to come out to my family.
I am scared and I don't know what to do
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Hi Mezza0145,
Welcome and thank you for reaching out to us. I see you have another post which has been answered.
I read that you have been dealing with anxiety and depression from a young age and I am sorry to hear that. I also want to let you know that I lost my brother when I was 14, so I understand your grief and feel for you.
What I would like to address in this post is your current anxiety about sexuality.
I am now in my 60s but I was once your age and remember all of the challenges those years bring with them.
I wouldn't write off guys entirely just yet, at this age they are almost entirely controlled by their hormones and it takes a special personality and strength to keep them in check. I had my fair share of heartbreaks due to this too, but for most guys there comes a time when they become more centered.
The main thing I want you to know is that the 20s is our time to discover who we really are. To try different things and new experiences to discover what we do want and what we don't want for our future. Nothing is set in stone at your age, so if you feel attracted to this young woman, just see where it goes. There is no need to feel scared and there is certainly no need to tell anyone about your thoughts and feelings until you actually know what they are. Even then, once you know, it is a choice wether or not you wish to share that with anyone.
My advice is to just allow the coming few years to play out so that you learn about yourself and what you want. So long you are careful and sensible about your choices and don't take unnecessary risks that could impact you negatively into the future, then just enjoy being young and experiencing what life has to offer.
I hope this helps and please continue this conversation if you feel comfortable.
Sending a warm hug your way,
indigo
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Hey Mezza,
Thank you so much for reaching out to us, welcome to the forums. I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with your sexuality and your fears around coming out. I can relate - I have been openly bisexual for about five years, and I can still vividly recall the uncertainty that I was feeling around the time that I came out.
For me, I felt like I resonated quite strongly with this label, and I'm also somebody who likes to assign a label to what I'm feeling. How you feel about labelling your sexuality may help you decide where you want to go from here. Thus, I'm going to split my advice into two categories: 1) if you do want to label yourself, and 2) if you do not.
1) If you do feel like you want a label:
I would maybe start by exploring identities like "pansexual", where attraction is largely based on the person rather than a specific gender. It may then be easier to approach conversations with people around you, as you can explain your feelings to them in a digestible, straightforward way. Labels can also change across your life, so don't feel like you need to necessarily stick with one label forever - it could just be a good way to help you explore and explain your feelings and experiences right now, in this moment. Sexuality is fluid, and we may find different labels resonate with us at different times. It's okay to get it "wrong" too.
2) If you do not want to assign yourself a label:
You don't have to attach yourself to a specific label - you can also explain to people that queer identities can be fluid, and that attraction can change at different points in your life. As a bisexual woman, I definitely fluctuate in my attraction. Also, if you don't want to explain anything to your family now, you don't have to until you feel ready, or are in a place where you can make more sense of how and what you're feeling.
Have your family (or other loved ones in your life) given you any indication of how they feel with regards to queer identities? Have they indicated that they're open and accepting, or could be? Have they said anything that directly indicates that they wouldn't be accepting?
This can also be a good place to start when you're figuring out how to navigate conversations around your identity. If they're generally quite open and accepting, you may find that you have an easier time expressing how you feel, and the fluid nature of attraction. If not, it may be a case of either gradually gauging their level of willingness to be accepting, delaying the conversation around your sexuality, or distancing yourself from them (if possible). In my experience, people who are not open to accepting your identity are difficult to be around and will not make you very happy in the long run - where possible, it's better to surround yourself with people who love and support you at all stages of your journey.
I hope this helps, please feel free to keep chatting with us if you'd like. We're here to support you, and many of us have a wealth of knowledge and experience relating to queer identities that we'd be more than happy to share with you.
All the best, SB
