Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

[Only_I_know]

The last 4 weeks have been sickening. I've cried countless times with the guilt and I'm so terrified. We've just celebrated 20years of marriage but I ruined it having cancelled our dinner date and night out in the city, because of the guilt had made me feel so sick. I'm not eating properly and now lost 10kg. She is the most beautiful woman I know and I hate myself for being gay. I just bloody hate it. No one else knows and it scares me to death. I have no one that I can vonfide in, and tggat makes me cry too. I've been mentally all over the place this last week, it's gotten so bad that I've started to think alot about death. Not that I think I'd do something dumb, but I can't stop thinking about suicide. I'm terrified about what my kids will think and my folks, who have shown themselves to be homophobic bigots in the past. I know they love me to death, and would probably be ok, but I'm really scared, like never before in 47 years. I question why I got married in the first place knowing I am gay, but I think I thought I could live a life hiding these feelings. I've never been with a guy in any way, but between the stress, guilt and anxiety, is all I think about. and I have been faithful as I really do love her with all my heart and it saddens me to break her heart, and mine. I've been playing it over and over in my head, I almost had a car accident today as I was crying and distracted, it's all totally consuming me. I think it may have been better, if not easier, if I had died, then No one would ever know, and her broken heart wouldn't be for knowing that her husband wasn't who she thought he was. It's really tough right now, talking to others over the last couple of weeks on this forum helped a bit, but I'm not sure if it is anymore, I know I'm sinking into some sort of depression and dont know what to do. I went to the dr about not eating, went for blood tests to see why, but I knew why. I was only going for the sake of my family. I wanted the dr to send me to a psychologist or something, but he wouldn'thave it. I'm really sick to death of it all, the lies, the confusion and the anxiety, and now lack of sleep. I'm thinking of telling her tomorrow but don't really think I'm brave enough. I'm a good person. It's just freakin fair.

[Only_I_know]

Hey Craig, your posts don't make us not want to be here, quite the opposite really. You have helped all of us over the past few months and we're here for you too.

Of course you did the right thing, you couldn't keep living the way you were. I get being lonely, it's my biggest fear too. But your words also give me strength, so please come back when you are ready. We all rely on your honesty and wisdom.

I do hope with all my being that you find some peace in your heart, you are an awesome guy, and someday you will find someone that realises it. I think you need to realise it too, as I'm a believer that until we recognise how good we actually are ourselves, that it makes it harder for others to see it.

We are responsible for our own happiness, others cannot give it to us - or take it away - just like we are not responsible for other peoples happiness, all we can do is add to it.

Look forward to reading your posts again when you feel up to it.

Daz

[Blue_Simon]

Good morning all,

I hope everyone had a nice weekend and those dad’s out there had a wonderful Father’s Day. I am a little sad this morning that the thread has slowed down and people have fallen silent. When I discovered this forum about 4 weeks ago I not only realised that other people were suffering as much as I was, but also that being able to talk to people in the same position was incredibly helpful and powerful. Through your help I have slowly found (and continue to find) my true self. I have had the courage to come out to many people that I love and feel that this would not have happened without the support for you guys and girls.

We all live in very confronting and painful situations, yet the love and care found in these pages are something that I will be forever greatful for. I guess what I am trying to say is that we all may not feel that sharing here everyday is something that we can do, everyone must tackle this journey in their own way. Please don’t forget that an understanding ear, a kind word, a small piece of help or advice or just some unconditional love, is always here for you when you need it.

I hope everyone is well and I look forward to hearing from you all when needed. I will keep checking everyday, as I have for the past month, to help you where I can.

Thank you all for changing my journey for the better.

Tim.

[Only_I_know]

Hey mate, I agree. This forum helped get me to where I am, without it I shudder to think where I would be.

It can be painful expressing all the pent up emotions here, but I think even more painful to hold it in. Expressing it helps release the pressure.

I'll keep checking too. Glad you had a great father's day.

Daz

[C4]

Hi guys just letting you know I’m doing fine and in a good head space atm and working through things. It was RUOK day yesterday so I can say I was . I hope your all going well as can be I think of you all every day and hope your in good spirits. I guess what concerns me is that new ones that put posts on don’t want to keep on posting. All I can say is please do we’re all here to lend support for each other where possible even if it’s just to vent frustrations. Wishing you all well ok . Craig

[Only_I_know]

Welcome back Craig. Good to see your spirits seem to have picked up. Hope you are well. Have you been up to anything exciting?

Daz

[C4]

Hi Darren I have reconnected with my friend that I thought didn’t like me but it was a miss communication so it’s all good which makes me happy that it wasn’t me . I hope you had a good Father’s Day I didn’t see my dad I had plans with my friend but went last Sunday . I’ve just been working but I am hoping to see a play in Doncaster of Holding the man in October with my friend which will be lovely as I haven’t seen the movie yet I’m sure I’ll cry but good tears though. I’m hoping my hours at work change as I’d like to go to a dinner one of my groups on Meetup has once a month in Glenhuntly to get out more but like all big supermarket chains like I work for the hours are sometimes later . Hope your well mate talk later . Also hi to Tim and the others .

[Blue_Simon]

Hi Craig,

Really nice to hear from you and to know you are doing well. I'm so happy that you have found you friend again and someone you can talk to and share time with. I hope you can get some flexibility around work to enjoy yourself also.

It's been 3 weeks now since I came out to my wife and it's not getting any easier. The ups and downs are so polar opposite it is hard to know what is going on. I have seen a psychologist now which is great. Also telling a few more people along the way. It feels like one step forward, two steps back at the moment. Only time will tell.

Glad your back mate.

[C4]

Hi Simon I’m sorry to hear it’s not good between your wife and you it will get easier in time once you get used to it all I still go to a Counsellor and at times I think why bother but just going to vent helps a lot and I too feel like it’s 2 steps forward 10 steps back lately but one foot in front of the other will do for now . All the best mate . Craig

[Only_I_know]

Hey Craig that is great that you have reconnected with your friend. It is hard sometimes to not think it was you, but there is always 2 sides.

Yes it would be good to go to the dinner, its nice going out with others. I'm still avoiding too much socialising until I've moved out, but that is only 7 weeks away. I still go for my walk on Saturdays in the botanical gardens- it was cold and wet today and none of the other walkers came, only the runners, so I ended up walking on my own. I stayed and talked for a bit afterwards though.

I'm getting a bit anxious about the move, but that is happening and I just have to accept it. I have a load of friends to talk too, and sometimes spend hours on the phone talking, and that is really nice.

Anyway, more painting today to prepare house for sale, goes on market thursday, so keeping busy with that!

Daz

[Only_I_know]

Hey Tim, hope the week hasn't had too bad.

The ups n downs can be unsettling for sure.

Talk soon

Daz