Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

[Only_I_know]

The last 4 weeks have been sickening. I've cried countless times with the guilt and I'm so terrified. We've just celebrated 20years of marriage but I ruined it having cancelled our dinner date and night out in the city, because of the guilt had made me feel so sick. I'm not eating properly and now lost 10kg. She is the most beautiful woman I know and I hate myself for being gay. I just bloody hate it. No one else knows and it scares me to death. I have no one that I can vonfide in, and tggat makes me cry too. I've been mentally all over the place this last week, it's gotten so bad that I've started to think alot about death. Not that I think I'd do something dumb, but I can't stop thinking about suicide. I'm terrified about what my kids will think and my folks, who have shown themselves to be homophobic bigots in the past. I know they love me to death, and would probably be ok, but I'm really scared, like never before in 47 years. I question why I got married in the first place knowing I am gay, but I think I thought I could live a life hiding these feelings. I've never been with a guy in any way, but between the stress, guilt and anxiety, is all I think about. and I have been faithful as I really do love her with all my heart and it saddens me to break her heart, and mine. I've been playing it over and over in my head, I almost had a car accident today as I was crying and distracted, it's all totally consuming me. I think it may have been better, if not easier, if I had died, then No one would ever know, and her broken heart wouldn't be for knowing that her husband wasn't who she thought he was. It's really tough right now, talking to others over the last couple of weeks on this forum helped a bit, but I'm not sure if it is anymore, I know I'm sinking into some sort of depression and dont know what to do. I went to the dr about not eating, went for blood tests to see why, but I knew why. I was only going for the sake of my family. I wanted the dr to send me to a psychologist or something, but he wouldn'thave it. I'm really sick to death of it all, the lies, the confusion and the anxiety, and now lack of sleep. I'm thinking of telling her tomorrow but don't really think I'm brave enough. I'm a good person. It's just freakin fair.

[C4]

Hi guys as I sit in a coffee shop near where I live I see people walking by with their partners young and old and I have a sense of sadness in my heart and tear in my eye knowing I might never have that love again . I just want company and friendship and I feel every time I arrange to meet with new people they cancel last minute. I know it may not be because of me but I get disappointed and let down that this is now my life . Watching this from a local coffee shop by myself just reinforces it . I have to look away do the customers don’t see the tears in my eyes. I hope everyone is doing well as I haven’t heard from you all in ages . Thanks for being here for me . Craig

[Only_I_know]

Hey Craig

I haven't posted much lately, I haven't really had much to say. I still check here most days though.

Well, I hope the coffee was good anyway!

I hear what you are saying, I've only got 3 weeks now until I've moved out of the family home. Things are getting a little tense at times, my wife and I bicker over some stupid things, but we move past it and things are okay again. I think we're both just feeling the stress of my imminent departure.

I guess I'm fortunate, I had some gay friends before I came out, and they are now there for me all the time. I walk with them once a week and stay for dinner, which I'll reciprocate when I'm in my own place. I caught up with them yesterday to go to ikea, we had a milkshake and went to a nursery too. So it was nice just to hang out.

I'm worried though that they will be my only source of friends/company, and whilst I know they don't care how much i'm there, I don't want to be dependant on them. That's why I'm forcing myself out of my comfort zone and joining the lgbt groups. I've been a member of the front runners now for 2 months and only missed one Saturday morning walk. It's nice staying for a coffee afterwards and just chatting. apart from the wine tour, I haven't done anything socially, but I have been invited to a concert - unfortunately it clashes with a family thing so can't go. It has taken a bit of time though, partly due to me being a bit shy. Some of the guys now even come and hug me hello/goodbye like they do the others, and it's nice - it makes me feel part of the group.

So I guess I can only keep saying to join as many groups you can, you can always pull back later if your out to often (would be a nice change!). I've sent an email off the Melbourne 69ers ten pin bowling as well, so that'll be another avenue to meet people and have a night out.

Also looking at the nomads later in the year.

I think you are being too hard on yourself and expecting things to happen too quickly. I know you've been out longer than me, but sometimes things do take time, and we just need to be patient and battle on.

I think you are a lot like me, and maybe a bit shy when joining new groups. It's hard to make new friends when you are older, but sometimes you just have to kick the "I don't think I can do that" down into the ground and just do it.

anyway mate, yes still here.

cheers

Daz

[C4]

Thanks mate I’d like to do front runners but I work Saturday so it’s hard but did like it on Facebook though liked a lot ok there activities and I’ve joined a lot of groups on meetup app but your right it is harder when your older and I’m a bit shy as well maybe the bowling would no good as well. I hope things go well when you move but I think you’ll be ok as you have some friends so I’m happy for you . Thanks again Craig

[C4]

Hi I took your advice and contacted the 69 bowls club on messenger and they have a game on Thursday nights at 8pm so I may go after work as it’s not that far to travel. It’s a way of meeting new people and I like to bowl as well. Most other things are near the city so it’s not really that viable on a week day so this isn’t far from Frankston. Hope everything is well with you .

[Only_I_know]

Good on you mate! I believe they are a fun bunch, so no doubt you'll enjoy it. Make sure you give it a go for a few weeks!

I'm going to have a go starting the Thursday before I move out, it'll give me that extra night out of the house before I am on my own.

Hope you have a great week.

[C4]

Thanks mate I just told them my story and it was all good you never know I might see you there lol but I will give it a go it should be fun . Have a good week too . Craig

[Johnny_11]

hey guys!!!

Hope you are both well!! 🙂

Daz, good to see you are putting yourself out there...

A few years back I was feeling very alone, and did the same thing, joined a fitness class, it did take some time to make friends, but I got there... But with the issues I've been having the past 12 months, I have cut everyone out of my life, it's just something I do 😞 .... now I'm trying to convince myself that I am a "lone wolf" not part of a wolf pack.... I do have my wife, but no other family around me, sometimes it would be nice to have other people around...

Hope the bowling goes well... 🙂

John

[C4]

I’m sorry to here that you don’t have many friends as it seems that many of us that come out late in life for whatever the story maybe that it’s hard to reconnect with people again . In my case most of my friends sided with my ex wife which is sad as none of them contacted me not even to see how I was coping. But I’m trying to make new friends but it’s hard as I’m pretty shy until I get comfortable in knowing the person. But doing bowling might be a good way to meet as well. It’s hard not to isolate yourself at times but at some stage we all crave a connection with others . Good luck mate talk soon . Craig

[C4]

Hi guys I had my bowling night tonight and it was great to meet so many people that made me feel so welcome it was quite overwhelming at times how nice people can be . I’m not the best bowler but I’m going back next week for another go and if they’ll let me I’ll keep going back. It will be good to mix it with others in the group and get to know them . I guess it’s about putting yourself out there to make new friends and that’s easier said than done if your shy and reserved. So Darren it was good and if you go you’ll enjoy it . Hope your all doing well. Craig

[Esti67]

Hi guys, I've been reading your thread with interest and would like all of you who post on this thread you've started Daz to know that i am so inspired by you all. As i am on my own terrifying but exhilarating path with coming out as an older queer woman i read your posts regularly to help me reaffirm that it is possible to push through this, as hard as it is and come out the other side still in one piece and richer even if there are days when i question if this is worth the collateral damage i am causing. Thanks guys, good luck, you are all incredibly brave and amazing.

E