Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

[Only_I_know]

The last 4 weeks have been sickening. I've cried countless times with the guilt and I'm so terrified. We've just celebrated 20years of marriage but I ruined it having cancelled our dinner date and night out in the city, because of the guilt had made me feel so sick. I'm not eating properly and now lost 10kg. She is the most beautiful woman I know and I hate myself for being gay. I just bloody hate it. No one else knows and it scares me to death. I have no one that I can vonfide in, and tggat makes me cry too. I've been mentally all over the place this last week, it's gotten so bad that I've started to think alot about death. Not that I think I'd do something dumb, but I can't stop thinking about suicide. I'm terrified about what my kids will think and my folks, who have shown themselves to be homophobic bigots in the past. I know they love me to death, and would probably be ok, but I'm really scared, like never before in 47 years. I question why I got married in the first place knowing I am gay, but I think I thought I could live a life hiding these feelings. I've never been with a guy in any way, but between the stress, guilt and anxiety, is all I think about. and I have been faithful as I really do love her with all my heart and it saddens me to break her heart, and mine. I've been playing it over and over in my head, I almost had a car accident today as I was crying and distracted, it's all totally consuming me. I think it may have been better, if not easier, if I had died, then No one would ever know, and her broken heart wouldn't be for knowing that her husband wasn't who she thought he was. It's really tough right now, talking to others over the last couple of weeks on this forum helped a bit, but I'm not sure if it is anymore, I know I'm sinking into some sort of depression and dont know what to do. I went to the dr about not eating, went for blood tests to see why, but I knew why. I was only going for the sake of my family. I wanted the dr to send me to a psychologist or something, but he wouldn'thave it. I'm really sick to death of it all, the lies, the confusion and the anxiety, and now lack of sleep. I'm thinking of telling her tomorrow but don't really think I'm brave enough. I'm a good person. It's just freakin fair.

[Jacko777]

Hi OIK,

I'm sorry to hear how you are going mate, you can confide in the people in this forum and you could do some word searches, there have been others before you that have been what you are going through, you are not alone.

Mate, get to a psychologist, ring BB for a recommendation if your GP is not forthcoming. You have nothing to lose by talking to a professional and working through your thinking. Look after yourself, your kids would prefer a gay dad over no dad. I am no professional but perhaps it is time to forget about what everyone else thinks for a minute so that you can really explore if this is the path you will choose.

Ring the BB support service, get some good support. I wish I could be more help.

All the best, talk any time, Jack

[marcus_c]

Hi Only I know, you sound exhausted mate, and at breaking point. A friend of mine has the saying, "secrets keep you sick", and by the sounds of what's happening to your body, it's just crippling you right now.

There is a really great help service called Qlife, google them and they'll come up. They have a phone line, and they should be able to help you take some steps to get a psychologist referral.

Please keep chatting here too, there seem to be a lot of guys in similar situations posting here at the moment, so you are not alone, as crap as that must feel.

I was lucky enough to realise that I was gay at a younger age, but I can identify with the terror you're feeling at coming out to family and friends. Trust me that there is life on the other side. Hang in there.

[Only_I_know]

Jacko/Marcus, I really appreciate the kind words of support. Jacko, what you said about my kids preferring a gay dad over no dad, really hit home. Of course, it made me cry - and I have to admit that I'm tired of crying, but it offered me a moment of absolute clarity, something I hadn't had for a long time.

I didn't get any sleep after posting last night, I just lay in bed crying at how unfair life was. When my wife came to bed I cuddled her, and I thought that it may end up being the last time I did. I ended up getting up and watching tv until I was so exhausted that my head felt like it was going to explode.

I took the day off work today, I haven't been very productive stressing about it all. I had to take my car into the car yard for a safety recall, and my wife came and picked me up. On the way home she asked me if I wanted to talk, and I just said yes. She started to stress out when she saw the tears. She's been really worried about me the last few weeks. When we got home, I sat down and just balled my eyes out, and she didn't know what to do other than put her hand on my leg.

And I told her. I can't believe that I actually told her! It was a huge relief. And what's more, she was so awesome. she was more concerned about my mental health than anything. About a year ago, she had confronted me about some images I had looked at online, which I had denied. So it wasn't a total surprise to her and she told me that she loves me anyway. we chatted for about an hour, and she told me that she was upset, but we have had 20 years of a very loving marriage and she said that that gave her comfort.

She doesn't want me to move out, which I am relieved about as I have nowhere to go. she also is still prepared to give me a hug and kiss. She is an awesome woman, and just cements in the fact of why I've loved her so much, and why it is so hard letter her know.

I had no right to, but I asked her if she would not "out" me, except to her best friend so she had someone to talk to as well. And she amazingly said that she didn't - that she isn't angry.

I don't for a minute think that the road is going to be easy, I'm sure it will have challenges, but I think I am finally on the way.

Posting here was hard, and thank you both for your suggestions. I googled Qlife and I will call either them or BB, but I just need to get the courage to do that too. The old "one day at a time". I want to get out and see if there are any support groups I can go to as well.

Thank you again Team.

[Happy_Man]

Hi, great to hear you have a supportive wife mate. Just keep talking to her and a shrink. Our wife’s are our wife’s for a reason. They know us and just like you, mine is more concerned about me than herself. It’s a long road ahead, don’t make plans and don’t, don’t go and explore your sexuality until you have decided what to do in your marriage. Just like you, the weight has come off and I am a healthy person now for sharing my secret. Just keep breathing brother and talking. All the best.

[Jacko777]

Wow OIK! (You may have to change your name now!) You did it mate! Well done for taking what was a huge step.

You now have some space, to make a few calls and talk to the pros, keep up that awesome bravery and keep taking some small step each day. You can be anonymous when you ring BB, turn down the emotion, just do it!

You are indeed on a new path mate, congratulations, with professional support you can work out where to head next and how to get there. Each day you should take some satisfaction from knowing that you had the courage to bust a move, to head towards greater clarity, peace and happiness. I'm really proud of you mate.

Jack

PS I thank your wife for her great love, understanding and compassion.

[Only_I_know]

G'day HM & Jacko, thanks again for the support and sage advice. HM definitely agree - exploring my sexuality is not something I will do until I am clear on what I'm doing. I'm nowhere near knowing. It pains me to think that one day I may not be coming home to my wonderful family. I know that they'd still be there, but I love coming home here. Frankly, although I know what I desire, it completely scares the crap out of me.

Jacko, you made me laugh - something I haven't done for a little while. Yes, after I told my wife yesterday, I did think that a name change may be appropriate! I think though I'll leave for now! It'd now be "Only 3 know" but that I think, will keep rising over time!

Today I did take another step, I told my boss. He was pretty bloody amazing as well. I firstly told him that I was having some very personal issues and struggling, particularly around the thoughts of me dying etc. Mainly due to me taking yesterday off sick, and potentially I may need more time off. Then after we had chatted for a while, I asked him for his permission to tell him something and I did, he didn't even bat an eyelid. He was so very supportive. We work for a largish company and they are really good, they have an employee assistance program that covers the costs of psychologists etc and he got me the info. Good, yet another option.

I'm yet to make a phone call, that is hard, but then I think about the 2 people I've now already told, and wonder why I find it hard? maybe it's the fact that the roller coaster is rattling along and I now cannot get off, and not sure how bumpy it will get.

I know I need to, I thought today was going to be a tear free day, but I was wrong. It worries me a bit, I don't know how I actually got to work, I remember backing out my drive, but nothing until I was pulling into the carpark, I'd been crying all the way to work.

My wife told me today that she was angry most of the day, and I can't blame her. I said to take out on me if she needed to, but she's just too awesome. I think that I would actually like her to, that may sound silly, but I think it would make me feel better myself.

thanks again for your support, it is making a difference. A week ago, If anyone told me that what today would look like, I would have told them they were crazy.

Good night!

[Jacko777]

Great stuff OIK, great stuff. Keep that momentum going.

You have a few options for professional support now, choose an option and get the ball rolling. Psychs deal with these things often, you aren't going to surprise anyone I don't reckon. I know what it's like OIK, it feels like a massive step but in the end it will just be the first step of many and you will look back and wonder why you hesitated. So many things I have learnt about myself thanks to a professional, things that I couldn't see myself thanks to old useless mindsets. So many realisations that have reshaped my life and brought me much greater peace and happiness, it all took time, work and help.

I hope you can keep that line of communication open with your wife, I think it would be good to keep her informed of your plan to seek professional support.

When all else fails, don't forget to breathe, 4 seconds in, 4 seconds out, not too deep, keep your focus on your breath, repeat 10 times or until calmness ensues.

All the best mate, Jack.

[Only_I_know]

So I thought I'd start having a few good days since telling my wife, but not really. Though some haven't been as bad, there still not great.

My wife has been great, and very supportive, but seems to go in fits and starts. One minute happy to just talk, next minute I get emails with houses she's looking at for the future. I know that's good in one way, but in part, it feels like I'm being rushed. I get it, she needs to move at a pace she is comfortable with, and I will support what she wants. I guess I can't hang on forever, otherwise I wouldn't have come out.

She is looking at houses that have a granny flat on the property, so at least we can be near each other, and have no debt. This is just really great, and I know that I should be grateful. BUT, I wasn't quite ready to sell our house and move on yet, and I'm not sure it would really be a good idea. I don't know how I'd be able to move on, and potentially either one of us having a new relationship in the future. It would be really awkward if I wanted to bring home a guy, and it would be the same for her.

I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, I'm not built that way, I just would not cope, but I think It would be really hard to be so near, and yet be so far, from my family.

I haven't told the kids yet, nor my folks or family. My wife has spoken to only 2 of her best friends and they were supportive too. I can't complain, but I feel so sick every single day. I thought I'd have a tear free day, but haven't.

I've been doubting that coming out was the right thing to do. But then think I couldn't have kept going, now with the dark thoughts I'd been having. Though I don't think that I would have done something stupid, I do wonder whether it was the beginning. Those that have done so in the past, must have started being depressed at some point, maybe just not realising it.

I have an apt with a Psychologist on Friday, and am hoping it will help.

[Jacko777]

G'day OIK,

I'm glad you have an appointment on Friday mate, I reckon it will help. I think you are right in saying that you couldn't keep going the way it was, something had to change and you changed it. Main thing is, it's done now and we don't want to spend our time and energy on something we can't change. Keep it in the present moment, keep looking for the positive path.

Friday might be a good time obviously to make a plan for the short term, how to best inform your family, how to best manage the emotions that you are feeling. They are warranted feelings I would reckon OIK, this is a pretty big event for ones' life. I feel like you have no doubt that this is the right decision, it's going to be a bit raw for a while. But it really is the start of something great for you OIK, don't forget to breathe! Take some time each day to get on your mind completely off this, for half hour, focus on something positive and relaxing. Keep looking forward mate.

Jack