Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

[Only_I_know]

The last 4 weeks have been sickening. I've cried countless times with the guilt and I'm so terrified. We've just celebrated 20years of marriage but I ruined it having cancelled our dinner date and night out in the city, because of the guilt had made me feel so sick. I'm not eating properly and now lost 10kg. She is the most beautiful woman I know and I hate myself for being gay. I just bloody hate it. No one else knows and it scares me to death. I have no one that I can vonfide in, and tggat makes me cry too. I've been mentally all over the place this last week, it's gotten so bad that I've started to think alot about death. Not that I think I'd do something dumb, but I can't stop thinking about suicide. I'm terrified about what my kids will think and my folks, who have shown themselves to be homophobic bigots in the past. I know they love me to death, and would probably be ok, but I'm really scared, like never before in 47 years. I question why I got married in the first place knowing I am gay, but I think I thought I could live a life hiding these feelings. I've never been with a guy in any way, but between the stress, guilt and anxiety, is all I think about. and I have been faithful as I really do love her with all my heart and it saddens me to break her heart, and mine. I've been playing it over and over in my head, I almost had a car accident today as I was crying and distracted, it's all totally consuming me. I think it may have been better, if not easier, if I had died, then No one would ever know, and her broken heart wouldn't be for knowing that her husband wasn't who she thought he was. It's really tough right now, talking to others over the last couple of weeks on this forum helped a bit, but I'm not sure if it is anymore, I know I'm sinking into some sort of depression and dont know what to do. I went to the dr about not eating, went for blood tests to see why, but I knew why. I was only going for the sake of my family. I wanted the dr to send me to a psychologist or something, but he wouldn'thave it. I'm really sick to death of it all, the lies, the confusion and the anxiety, and now lack of sleep. I'm thinking of telling her tomorrow but don't really think I'm brave enough. I'm a good person. It's just freakin fair.

[Scared_and_lonley]

Hey guys, thank you so much for the instant support. It means more than I can express. I don't want to start crying because Im not sure I could stop. It just all seems so sad and unfair. So many times Ive wanted to cut out my "gayness" like a cancer. Its such a negative perspective and so stupid. My kids have gay friends and don't bat an eyelid but I guess Im a product of my generation and surroundings. I won't post here again either. It feels too exposed (public) and Im worried somehow someone will find out. Ive even tried to delete my previous post but can't. Oh well. thanks again. maybe one day Ill deal with this...maybe not. Happy fathers day to all the dads.

[BB19]

Hi Def

Thank you so much for your message. It really touches me deeply every time.

All of you saved my life this week, literally.

[Definitely_Otherwise]

Totally understand mate. Do what feels right for you. And if it makes you uncomfortable, do the kind thing and retreat or regroup.

The 'cancer' perspective isn't negative. Don't question yourself, and place all of it on your shoulders, question the environment and society you were raised and socialised in, and the motivations of the individuals who indoctrinated you with those messages.

I was raised in a culture of, 'Pray the Gay Away'...…….incredibly the heavens did not open and I am still gay!

Def

[Definitely_Otherwise]

It is a precious life worth saving BB19.

You will be in my thoughts. If you change your mind, log in for a chin wag. If I disappear msyelf, I am OK, just off mending a broken heart. I think I'll throw myself back into my exercise.

Enjoy time with your family.

Def

[Only_I_know]

Thanks mate. Inspiring and heartwarming as always.

I'm ready for my favorite thai now!

Yum.

[BB19]

Hey Def

i hope you dont disappear. You have so much to offer here. Your support has been amazing. But as you have said to me, no pressure. You are in my thoughts as well.

I wish you well with that broken heart, as you said to me earlier, I dont know if your heart ever heals.

Lots of love.

BB19 (the one who said he wont post here again! Haha)

[C4]

I’m so sorry my posts are making people not want to be on here I didn’t mean that to be the case please don’t stop on my account my posts are my feelings I’ve been feeling lately . Since living by myself I’ve been more lonely than ever I know you guys haven’t moved out yet but it does get lonely on your own in your own thoughts. I wonder if I made a mistake sometimes when I sit at home most nights by myself I had what I thought was a happy life lovely wife and puppy but my secret ruined it . I know I did the right thing but it still hurts to be alone . So please keep posting guys we need to support each other ok

[C4]

Hi guys I think I’ll take a few days off posting to have time for myself and regroup next week. I’ll still be around just need a rest ok . Enjoy your Father’s Day tomorrow. Be back soon ok

[Ruby__2]

Hey,Scared and lonely,

To everyone else taking a break,please be kind and true to yourselves.Stay safe,keep talking.

So Scared and lonely, I want to welcome you and say who hoo for reaching out.This space is anonymous so feel free to vent,say things you may not face to face,but just be you.

I feel your pain.I am the wife(32yrs)of a man who finally told me he was gay after much drama and angst.

Do not underestimate the love your family has for you.It is not what you are but who you are to them.Labels help no one. Just be you.Don't compare your family to so called normal ones-no one really knows what goes on behind the facade.

Our kids still see us us Mum and Dad.I still love my husband.You don't stop loving just because sex doesn't happen anymore.

You do need help to accept that things have changed.Perhaps you could see your Dr and get on a mental health plan which gives you 10 free psychologist meetings.There are a multitude of free gay sites-Qlife for eg.

You have made a first step.Keep making more.We cannot please others if we aren't US.

My husband and I are staying together,but separated.We have set boundaries (no lovers to be brought home etc).

You have the right to be your true self.We get one life.I have been reading a book available on Kindle called The Subtle Art of Not Giving a .

We are so conditioned to being what we think we should be.You are not responsible for the reactions of others.You may be surprised by the acceptance of others when they see you being your authentic self.

This will all take time and courage. There will be consequences. This is tearing you apart, so my advice is to take a deep breath, take a leap of faith and be kind to yourself. People who really love you, still will.

If you feel up to it,seek professional help.I am only speaking as the wife of a gay man.I wish you peace and a way forward.You don't have to be lonely or scared on BB.

By the way,Happy Father's Day to all!xx

Ruby 2

[BB19]

Please dont go for too long, I for one, need to hear you. But if you have to, I do understand, I know what you are feeling.

I was not going to post, just keep on reading here to follow you guys and girls, seeing your progress, or just your feelings, I think I need that.

Craig, you said earlier you might tell us your whole story, I want to hear your whole story. Please tell us when you are ready?

Thinking of you, and again, a big hug.