Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

[Only_I_know]

The last 4 weeks have been sickening. I've cried countless times with the guilt and I'm so terrified. We've just celebrated 20years of marriage but I ruined it having cancelled our dinner date and night out in the city, because of the guilt had made me feel so sick. I'm not eating properly and now lost 10kg. She is the most beautiful woman I know and I hate myself for being gay. I just bloody hate it. No one else knows and it scares me to death. I have no one that I can vonfide in, and tggat makes me cry too. I've been mentally all over the place this last week, it's gotten so bad that I've started to think alot about death. Not that I think I'd do something dumb, but I can't stop thinking about suicide. I'm terrified about what my kids will think and my folks, who have shown themselves to be homophobic bigots in the past. I know they love me to death, and would probably be ok, but I'm really scared, like never before in 47 years. I question why I got married in the first place knowing I am gay, but I think I thought I could live a life hiding these feelings. I've never been with a guy in any way, but between the stress, guilt and anxiety, is all I think about. and I have been faithful as I really do love her with all my heart and it saddens me to break her heart, and mine. I've been playing it over and over in my head, I almost had a car accident today as I was crying and distracted, it's all totally consuming me. I think it may have been better, if not easier, if I had died, then No one would ever know, and her broken heart wouldn't be for knowing that her husband wasn't who she thought he was. It's really tough right now, talking to others over the last couple of weeks on this forum helped a bit, but I'm not sure if it is anymore, I know I'm sinking into some sort of depression and dont know what to do. I went to the dr about not eating, went for blood tests to see why, but I knew why. I was only going for the sake of my family. I wanted the dr to send me to a psychologist or something, but he wouldn'thave it. I'm really sick to death of it all, the lies, the confusion and the anxiety, and now lack of sleep. I'm thinking of telling her tomorrow but don't really think I'm brave enough. I'm a good person. It's just freakin fair.

[Only_I_know]

That's awesome Craig. I'm glad they are considerate. They obviously value you. It is important that you feel that way. You certainly are of value here.

Have a good night

Daz

[BB19]

Thank you for taking the time and for your responses Dev, Tim and Craig

I felt incredibly sad this morning, and I think it helped to just put some of my thoughts into words. My wife has been overseas for two weeks, got back early evening, so I had to get a bit of a grip on myself this afternoon to pick her up at the airport. I still cried all the way to the airport. Why am I so weak, damnit!

She asked me in the car why am I grinding my teeth, and that she can see something is seriously wrong, I didn't answer.

Dev, I don't know why I am feeling like this, guilt, shame, exhaustion, everything? I don't know. It has just been building over years, the last few months, and especially the last few days. All I know is that it hurts like hell, and I don't know what to do about it. I have brought this onto myself, so I need to find a way before I destroy my family, but I don't know what or if there is a way. I just cant think straight. I physically have double vision at the moment. When I walk, I feel unstable.

Craig, I think of my kids all the time, and I know they need a father. I just feel that maybe I am not the example of what they need in a father. I know, its a stupid thing to say, but thats the way I feel. I am supposed to be the strong, dependable, loving, honest guide to them, I am none of that.

Craig and Tim, I can feel your pain, confusion and uncertainty in your responses too, I am so sorry, it is very difficult. Again, I am so sorry you are going through this.

[Only_I_know]

So it's 4 in the morning, another night of broken sleep. I'm sure that you guys know what that's like.

Sitting here re-reading all the posts from the start. What a journey of self discovery we've all been on. What amazing support we've all been for each other. It's very heartwarming at times when we all feel heartbroken.

Great to have so many new friends - Craig, Capt TimN, Def, Birdy, and welcome BB19, and others.

Thanks for the support, I'm sure it would be more difficult without each other.

Talk later guys.

Daz

[Definitely_Otherwise]

Hi BB19,

Yes, you're probably right, it probably is guilt because of the cheating and because you love your wife so much and are very aware of her heart because she is the love of your life. Maybe you hate the sexual attraction and physical pull towards men because you feel that it has made you behave in ways that you hate in other people. Kind of like I would never thought I would be that sort of person, but I somehow ended up there anyway and I hate it. I used to work with a married couple that had an open relationship. A lot of people do, but not many make it public, but this couple did. He was Bi. They had the kids and the dog and the house and holidays and loved each other, happily married, but she said that she finds it a lot of pressure and somewhat unrealistic that one person in the entire world is expected to fulfil all of your needs for your entire life and that they should. And any deviation from that is considered morally wrong and that they 'can't truly love each other'. It was all out in the open, there were no whispers and laughing, it was public knowledge that he had male lovers but they were a family. Obviously this doesn't work for everyone, I don't think I could have an open marriage, I'm too greedy and I would feel insecure. But they are clearly a lot more secure than me.

I know that you cheated but I think that that was an awful way that guy outed you to your wife. People don't realise the effect it can have on another person's mental health. Not all gay people are cruel BB19. You would have only met a subset of us if you were having discrete encounters and those dating apps can attract a lot of people that just aren't particularly nice, I'm sorry to say. I was horrified at some of the experiences I had. I know you said that you don't want to live with a man and all that, but I promise you, I do not like or have anything in common with all gay people. There is just as much diversity in us as there is in any one else. There are what I consider ultra-conservative gay people would you believe.

I find it hard to meet gay people I really connect with. I hate the clicks and the bitchiness. The media and popular culture portrays a very limited view of us.

Is your wife the one an only person in the entire world that knows you have same sex attraction? Could some weight be lifted if you told a close friend or someone in your family that you've struggled with it for years but you love your wife and that friction is making you unwell?

Def

[C4]

Hi mste sitting here reading your post in tears again feeling the pain your in knowing the thoughts your going through wanting to say something but not wanting to hurt her or your kids I remember it well. You not weak mate your strong we all were before saying something it takes courage to continue as though there’s nothing wrong. Don’t blame yourself for being gay it’s not your fault you like most of us just wanted a so called normal life with a wife and kids I didn’t have kids but still wanted them . Your the best father and husband you can be there’s no manual on how to be a married man or how to love we do our best but sometimes it doesn’t work out the way you plan. You know I told my wife via a text while she was at work if anyone is a coward for not saying anything face to face it’s me that’s a weak person at least Darren and Tim told there wife face to face I was a coward for doing it that way and I envy them for having the guts to do it that way . I hope everyone’s opinion of me hasn’t changed because of this admission I’m not proud of it I think I’m weak. You three are the real men not me .

[Only_I_know]

Hey Craig, I think it's time to give yourself a bit if a break. It doesn't matter how you told your wife, you released yourself and her, from something that wasn't right.

You've suffered enough.

I think you will keep finding it hard to meet people and be happy, whilst you continue the self loathing. You need to start to forgive yourself now. Your wife has moved on - I believe you said she now has a partner?

Take care mate. You are no less than the rest of us.

Daz

[Only_I_know]

Hi BB19

Welcome! Short on time at the mo, but you need to give yourself a break too. I agree with Craig, seek some professional help and support. Call QLife, refer to previous posts about them and when to call.

Everyone has their challenges, you are no different- it's how you deal with it. I think if you get yourself some counseling then that will be a good start.

I never thought it would help me, but it has.

Talk again later

Daz

[Blue_Simon]

Good afternoon guys,

Lots of really positive and caring posts this morning and last night. So blessed to have found you all. Genuine care and love.

Craig, Daz is right, we are here to support each other and genuinely care about each other. You have shown us so much as you were the first to go through this process. Darren and I and countless others appreciate your insight and experience. Please give yourself a break and believe that you a fantastic person with so much to offer others. You prove that each time you post. There are cowards here, just people doing what they know must be done to be true to themselves. I didn’t plan to tell my wife at all at this point. My hand was forced and the truth was exposed. I wish I didn’t have to sit in front of this person I loved and destroy her. Please be kind to yourself, you are beautiful man.

BB19 you are not weak either, just frozen with dread and fear. I was there, last week. In complete denial about myself and what I needed to do to be happy. I am so proud of the life I had with my wife. Every second, every holiday, every event, my daughter, our puppy - the whole lot.we had so many good times that made me the person I am and make up a huge chapter in my life. I now need to write the next chapter. Only you know deep inside who you are, don’t be afraid of that person, it’s tearing you apart. You kids will love you as their dad, that’s it. They live in a world now that they really don’t care who loves who, they are the most tolerant creatures on this planet. You are welcome here also, to share your journey and hopefully find some answers.

Daz, I’m with you. This site has become all consuming in my world and I love it. Knowing that you, Craig, BB19, Def and everyone is here to have a chat, offer comfort and guidance, have a laugh. Like you and Simon, I wonder who Blue really is, looking for clues, feeling connected. The clues to who blue might be could be right in front of us, waiting to be discovered in a book. I see you finally decisded on a nickname

Tim.

[Only_I_know]

Haha mate.

Tim for all the drama around us all, you are a man with a great sense of humor. Everything you've said has been with integrity and I love the respect that you show to your family despite the drama unfolding and also on here to others.

Now we need to think of a nickname for Craig. Any clue?

Cheers

Daz

[Blue_Simon]

Good work!

Yes, a nickname for Craig!!