Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

[Only_I_know]

The last 4 weeks have been sickening. I've cried countless times with the guilt and I'm so terrified. We've just celebrated 20years of marriage but I ruined it having cancelled our dinner date and night out in the city, because of the guilt had made me feel so sick. I'm not eating properly and now lost 10kg. She is the most beautiful woman I know and I hate myself for being gay. I just bloody hate it. No one else knows and it scares me to death. I have no one that I can vonfide in, and tggat makes me cry too. I've been mentally all over the place this last week, it's gotten so bad that I've started to think alot about death. Not that I think I'd do something dumb, but I can't stop thinking about suicide. I'm terrified about what my kids will think and my folks, who have shown themselves to be homophobic bigots in the past. I know they love me to death, and would probably be ok, but I'm really scared, like never before in 47 years. I question why I got married in the first place knowing I am gay, but I think I thought I could live a life hiding these feelings. I've never been with a guy in any way, but between the stress, guilt and anxiety, is all I think about. and I have been faithful as I really do love her with all my heart and it saddens me to break her heart, and mine. I've been playing it over and over in my head, I almost had a car accident today as I was crying and distracted, it's all totally consuming me. I think it may have been better, if not easier, if I had died, then No one would ever know, and her broken heart wouldn't be for knowing that her husband wasn't who she thought he was. It's really tough right now, talking to others over the last couple of weeks on this forum helped a bit, but I'm not sure if it is anymore, I know I'm sinking into some sort of depression and dont know what to do. I went to the dr about not eating, went for blood tests to see why, but I knew why. I was only going for the sake of my family. I wanted the dr to send me to a psychologist or something, but he wouldn'thave it. I'm really sick to death of it all, the lies, the confusion and the anxiety, and now lack of sleep. I'm thinking of telling her tomorrow but don't really think I'm brave enough. I'm a good person. It's just freakin fair.

[Blue_Simon]

Hey BB19,

It’s Tim here. Reading your story is very difficult and I feel every inch of your pain and anquish. You have found a great, safe place to talk and we are all helping each other through different stages in the journey. Last Friday I too reached the point where I could not continue with this secret, as Def said, “secrets make you sick” and that’s what was happening to me, along with all of us at some point. Like you I had become angry at work, at home, everywhere and although I tried really hard to hid it, it was eating me up on the inside.

I have destroyed a wonderful relationship by just being honest. I never thought it would be possible but the denial within myself would have resulted in far worse.It hurts like nothing I have ever dealt with but the support here is real and it is genuine. Please don’t dispare, listen, engage and seek professional assistance when you can. The way forward does exist for all of us, it just needs someone to help guide us to the starting line. Your kids will see that you are strong, and love you for wanting to be you.

Welcome to our group BB19, great that you are here.

Tim.

[Blue_Simon]

Hey Craig, Darren and all,

My post for this morning hasn’t gone through so I will continue again. No changes here, the feelings of emptiness, betrayal, complete devastation are ever present (as I expect them to be for years). I’m trying to keep communication constructive and companionate however with little getting through. I am certainly being made to pay for this decision. I will continue to be calm, supportive and answer as many questions as I can when asked. I have been reduced to doing exactly what I am told to ensure the situation doesn’t explode into all out war, which is the last thing I want from someone I care for. The question keeps being asked “how can I love her still”, but the point keeps getting missed when I answer. This is being seen as a calculated move on my behalf in order to be able to do anything I want to whoever I want. The internal feelings and struggle to be me are simply not registering.

In saying all of that I absolutely understand all perspectives and do feel the devastation and hurt. I wish I could find a way to please everyone but I can’t. Not this time. Am I the most selfish man to have chosen this direction?

I saw a councillor today face-to-face. She was wonderful and could not believe what had happened since our phone conversation just 2 weeks ago. I learnt a few things today but feel I need to seek the specialist help from someone in this area. I have a Relationships Australia Rainbow councilling session on the phone in two weeks tomorrow. In will also hopefully have the mental health plan in place as well by then to see a gay councillor. I will still encourage my wife to join me also at some stage. That will be up to her.

Anyway, how was your guys?

[Only_I_know]

Hey mate, started to post earlier but the real estate agent arrived to discuss our place going on market. They were really nice, but it is very confronting. I'm a bit emotional now, and it's been a crap day. Been angry and snappy. Things getting on top of me today.

I'm glad you are happy with seeing your councillor, it really makes a difference. You just wait until you see the gay councillor, it will knock your socks off. It did me, and I believe that he is the main reason that I'm where I am now.

Mate you're saying you've got things on in two weeks, that seems a long time away. Have you got a plan to get you through this period. You seem to be going through some real tough time, you need to make sure you have someone to talk to when you need it. Of course, we are here for you. But you need to have other support close by, even someone you can get a real hug from. Do you have the opportunity to go and stay somewhere for a night or 2 to give you all a bit of a break from the angst?

I don't want to get you down, but with Fathers day this weekend I'm worried that you aren't going to have much of a day. Maybe Sunday is an opportunity for you to take your little girl out on a Daddy & Daughter Date? Maybe a movie, lunch etc?

You are absolutely doing the right thing, it may be hard take a barrage, but if you continue to be constructive and compassionate and be calm and supportive, then you can't do any more. Just keep reinforcing it. Of course you still love her, that's what makes it so hard.

Going walking with 2 mates Thursday (gay husbands) so that is good. I really get to be myself, means I escape the family issues for a night - not that it is horrible, but I can relax more. I hope you get that one day too.

I'm around for a while now, so chat later.

cheers

Dazzab

[Blue_Simon]

Hey Dazzab??

I can imagine that the sale of the family home must be extremely confronting. Not looking forward to that one if or when we decide to sell. We are all having snappy days so don’t beat yourself up too much.

The Relationship Australia appt in 2 weeks away which is early as I can get. That’s a one hour phone conversation followed by the face-to—face. I am still pushing for the mental health plan so I can speak to the gay psych. I very much wanting to speak with him to help work my way through all of this. I am very lucky, I do have many people at work offering support or just a hug. .

I did suggest that I could leave for a few days but was very strongly informed that I don’t get to escape from this nightmare. I am instead required to fix it so no going anywhere for me. I want to be there for my wife as hard as it may be right now so I never really intended to go anywhere. Communication has all but stoped for the moment, I continue to try very hard to reiterate my love for her albeit, a different type of love. Other then that it’s not very productive but I do expect that at this stage, it’s still so new.

I have a Fathers Day morning at school on Friday and then at After school care in the afternoon which will be great. I picked my daughter up today as I had a sick day and we went for ice cream which she did not expect. I’m not trying to win points but need to stay engaged with her. She is planning something for Sunday and my wife is cooperating to ensure my daughters excitement isn’t ruined. I will enjoy the day regardless.

I continue to remain very calm and supportive although it does not demonstrate that I am grieving this situation also. Truth be told at some stage I will probably completely break down and the tears won’t stop.

Thursday walk sounds nice, enjoy that.

Still studying so sitting here for another 3 hours at least.

TN.

[C4]

Hi guys I forgot that Father’s Day would be hard for you and I’m sorry about that . Today I went back to work after 2 weeks off and I must admit I struggled a lot especially after reading a few posts from everyone I nearly broke down in the lunchroom reading them . It shows that we all have a connection that shows no bounds just to know what each other’s going through is a testament to us to get emotional when we don’t know each other personally or in person . I did have a breakthrough with the boss he’s agreed to change my job role slightly so I can be happy at work at least . Being in a large retail company I find the pressure isn’t helping my personal issues and vice versa as I’m really struggling at the moment mentally and trying to stay composed without breaking down all the time it’s so draining and tiring it’s consuming me . Even though I’m struggling I’ll always be here to offer my support and love to you guys . Thanks for being so supportive I appreciate it very much . All my love Craig

[Only_I_know]

haha - Dazzab is how I sign into a lot of things, and has meaning to me. I laughed last night about it when you mentioned stuff in your inbox and sharing too much and connection, you may have missed the reply.

I'm glad Sunday looks like it is still happening for you, at her age, it's actually more about her anyway. I love the day, I know son and daughter will have something planned too. I hope you enjoyed your ice-cream today too! Like I said in a previous post, Ice-cream just about fixes any problem! (well maybe not quite, but it helps!!)

I originally didn't want to sell the house, I wanted them to stay here, so that there was as little disruption as possible, but my wife was keen to move as this is "our" house. It's large - 4 bedroom, 3 living, large deck and swimming pool. I wanted them to enjoy it at least for another year and summer. but she'd like to move on, which I understand, and will mean we're not trying to cope with 2 mortgages for to long. That'll be hard. We were lucky, we bought when the market was down, and we've gained a bucket load of equity, which has helped me get my new place, and them theirs when we've sold.

I'm feeling better now, much calmer, wish I didn't have to go to work tomorrow.

What you also said last night about the company being there, and to just keep looking, I think is right. I think I'll look for a hot male, somewhere here in australia and not overseas. A work colleague went overseas to look for someone, but time will tell!

enjoy the study!

Daz

[Blue_Simon]

Yeah mate, missed the reply to that one, will keep looking!

[Only_I_know]

How's the study going? getting much done? maybe not if you are here! LOL!

I've benefited a great deal from this forum, and you seem to as well. I think we all will be needing more support over time. Xmas isn't too far off, and will bring a lot of sadness too.

Well we all need to make a connection and get support at times like these, even if only in writing.

One last check of my inbox, and then off to read my book. Still not sleeping well so no doubt will check in later.

Daz

[Blue_Simon]

Hey Craig,

Really happy to hear that your work will be able to help in a small way to make your life a little easier. Thanks for your concern for Fathers Day on Sunday. As my daughter knows nothing of any of this, it will be a fun day for her sake more than mine. I’m sure we will do somethings nice.

We are certainly very lucky to share such support on this forum and to have stumbled across each other. It’s strange to think we don’t know each other as we all have shared so much. This shared experience has brought us all together for reason, I truly believe that.

goodnight mate.

[Only_I_know]

Yeah mate, I agree. Definitely think brought us together for a reason. Who knows what would have happened. I cannot imagine now, not coming out. Even though it is rough some days.

Same with the fact that Love, Simon had a profound effect on us. I find myself doing just what Simon did, in wondering who Blue really was, and looking for clues. But we know what we've gone through, and Craig is shedding light on what may come.

I truly thank everyone here, especially you both, and find myself just about living on this site each nite. Looking forward to seeing a post.

Not sure about you guys, but it gives me a fair bit of reassurance.

Goognight

Daz