Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

[Only_I_know]

The last 4 weeks have been sickening. I've cried countless times with the guilt and I'm so terrified. We've just celebrated 20years of marriage but I ruined it having cancelled our dinner date and night out in the city, because of the guilt had made me feel so sick. I'm not eating properly and now lost 10kg. She is the most beautiful woman I know and I hate myself for being gay. I just bloody hate it. No one else knows and it scares me to death. I have no one that I can vonfide in, and tggat makes me cry too. I've been mentally all over the place this last week, it's gotten so bad that I've started to think alot about death. Not that I think I'd do something dumb, but I can't stop thinking about suicide. I'm terrified about what my kids will think and my folks, who have shown themselves to be homophobic bigots in the past. I know they love me to death, and would probably be ok, but I'm really scared, like never before in 47 years. I question why I got married in the first place knowing I am gay, but I think I thought I could live a life hiding these feelings. I've never been with a guy in any way, but between the stress, guilt and anxiety, is all I think about. and I have been faithful as I really do love her with all my heart and it saddens me to break her heart, and mine. I've been playing it over and over in my head, I almost had a car accident today as I was crying and distracted, it's all totally consuming me. I think it may have been better, if not easier, if I had died, then No one would ever know, and her broken heart wouldn't be for knowing that her husband wasn't who she thought he was. It's really tough right now, talking to others over the last couple of weeks on this forum helped a bit, but I'm not sure if it is anymore, I know I'm sinking into some sort of depression and dont know what to do. I went to the dr about not eating, went for blood tests to see why, but I knew why. I was only going for the sake of my family. I wanted the dr to send me to a psychologist or something, but he wouldn'thave it. I'm really sick to death of it all, the lies, the confusion and the anxiety, and now lack of sleep. I'm thinking of telling her tomorrow but don't really think I'm brave enough. I'm a good person. It's just freakin fair.

[Only_I_know]

Yes mate,

It's really unfortunate that your wife is looking at it this way. It only needs one moment to stop and have a different outlook. Does 18 years of love and loyalty count for nothing?

Sounds like you could use a break from it too. Somewhere at hot in Australia.

Yes keep us informed. Goodnight mate.

Dazzab

[Definitely_Otherwise]

You are a deeply empathic man BS. I really feel for you and your wife.

But your wife is still human. We're all entitled to the expression of raw emotion without being shamed. Of course we are not allowed to be abusive, there is a clear line and there is a small child involved. But she wouldn't be human without some explosions. If she didn't explode, and passively resigned, I would be saying to you, "BS, its sad and all that your marriage is over, but are you sure she ever loved you".

There's no passive resignation here, she is heartbroken.

You referred to your wife experiencing depression. Has she ever been very unwell with it, to the point of hospitalisation or needing heaps of time off work, where it zaps her of her energy and has changed the way she views herself?

I only ask becuase of course the 2 experiences don't have much in common, and are entirely different, but if she is struggling to understand, there are similarities between having mental health issues (I have them myself so nothing to be ashamed of) and revealing our homosexuality.

1. We never asked for it. It wasn't a choice or some sort of personal psychological failing that would never have occured, had we been stronger.

2. We tend to hide it for a long time

3. There is a tonne of social stigma attached

4. We can't control it

5. A lot of family and friends just don't get it

6. Sometimes we feel ashamed

7. People can be judgmental and cruel becuase we suffer from it/are it.

Maybe your wife understands a tiny little bit.

Or at least has some experience with these complex and turbulent emotions, just for different reasons.

Def

[C4]

Hi Simon I’m sorry your wife found out about you posting on here and is using your posts against you . I read these every day and my anxiety kicks in because it reminds me of the struggle your going through. It really is hard for us as with our circumstance . I know I tried so hard to be straight and make my marriage work knowing that it was a lie and feeling depressed and sad every day . I always thought no matter how I would tell her the truth it was going to hurt her and it made me worse that I was going to hurt the one person I was supposed to love and care for but as years went on I was in too far for that . I had two breakdowns one at 40 and one when we broke up . I took the blame for lying to her and the marriage broke up and for being gay which wasn’t what I wanted for my life . I wanted to be married and have children like the majority of people and I hated myself daily because I knew it was all a lie to her . I couldn’t handle the lie it was destroying me . Maybe that’s why I find it hard still I want to fit in with everyone else even though I know I can’t . I’m sure over time your wife will forgive you and realise you didn’t mean to lie to her and you did care for her how ever dishonest it may seem . Hope you have a nice day .

[Blue_Simon]

Hi Def,

Thank you for you concern and sharing the ideas and considerations that you have. My wife has asked me not to discuss her again on this forum so I must honour this request. The list of similarities and emotions are so very true, And I have experienced and seen them all when helping the her in the past. - Thank you.

[BB19]

Hi all

I came across this thread at 2am this morning, read every single word from start to finish, and cried throughout (I have been crying a lot the last few months).

I guess I have been in the same situation.

Darren - I am so happy for you that you have made so much progress in the last few months.

Craig - I am sorry that you are feeling lonely at the moment.

Tim - my heart goes out to you at the moment, give your wife time (I have been through what you are going through a few years ago)

The three of you are all so brave, it is a very difficult thing to go through.

You are an amazing support to each other!

I have been thinking the whole morning if I should post on here, I am not very good about opening up, and I don't know what I want to achieve by posting here... But here goes.

I am in a very dark place at the moment (and have been for a few months now), but it has become unbearable in the last 2 weeks.

I am in my late forties, married with 2 kids, and gay.

I have been in Australia for a few years. I was offered a CEO job in Sydney a few years ago, and decided to move my family out here, thinking it will be a new start for my family and I, to be together again. I was commuting between home and another city for work for 3 years before we moved out here. It went really well for the first two years, and my family and I really bonded. Work was really stressful, but I loved it.

Let me take a step back. I have known I was "different" for a long time, and really struggled to deal with it. I have struggled with depression all my life. I married when I was 25, to a beautiful woman, the love of my life, she has been a perfect wife and mother. I love her and my kids so much. We had it all, I was very successful at work, we had a lot of friends, travelled, basically had a great life. Quite a few years ago, everything changed. I slept with a man while on a business trip (had too much to drink), and it opened up feelings that I suppressed for years. I felt terrible guilt, and it affected my mental health a lot. Although I felt like a lying, cheating bastard, I carried on cheating. The more I cheated, the more I hated myself. It was a pure physical thing for me, an outlet. I started pushing people away, my wife couldn't understand what was going on, I was difficult with the kids, I stopped seeing friends and going out. I was a horrible person to be around.

[BB19]

This is not allowing me to tell the rest of my story. Too many characters. I will try post the rest in a little while.

[C4]

Hi mate glad your on here and your story is so much like ours that reading others makes me cry too . I’m sorry that you feel like a cheating bastard it must have been hard to carry on after doing that . I never cheated on my wife but it doesn’t mean the thoughts weren’t there . I know what it’s like to be horrible to the one you love and they don’t know what’s going on . Please don’t take it out on the kids they don’t understand so that would be hard too . I’m writing this at work and nearly crying on the lunch room right now I feel for you I really do your not alone in this we’re here to support you and each other. If you can get counseling to help you through it please do here is a good start plus there’s Qlife online counseling as well I wish I did that earlier it would have made it easier on mec. I’m limited for time atm so please don’t despair we’re all here for you mate post when you can ok

[BB19]

I would like to carry on telling my story (sorry, took a while)

In my early forties, a guy I contacted my wife and told her what I was doing. She confronted me, and I told her everything. It broke her. It broke me to see her hurting so much. I did not want to leave her and the kids, I wanted to remain married. I could not see myself living a gay life, I did not want to be in a relationship with a man, I wanted to be with my wife and kids. My wife wanted a divorce at first, but we worked through it, and decided to stay married (and faithful). It was difficult to work through but she was amazing (she is such a wonderful woman).

Fast forward a few years. A few months ago I started feeling depressed, work became very stressful, and I battled with myself internally, I just felt unhappy and sad all the time. I found it very difficult to talk to my wife about it. She knew something was wrong, and tried to support me. I struggled to cope at work, but the feelings got worse and became overwhelming. I became angry all the time, and could not cope at work. I decided to resign and take some time off. We travelled, and i thought things will get better. I didn't. It became worse. I can't sleep. i don't eat, and i feel I can't carry on, I am screwing up everything around me, my relationship with my wife and kids are really not good. I am angry all the time, and I am taking it out on them. I don't know why, I just can't get a grip . I went out and was intimate again with a man. I don't know why I did it. I hate that that I did it. I feel so alone, and don't know what I should do, and if I should even try and carry on. I am crying typing this, I am not coping, and I just can't see a way forward at the moment. I am busy destroying my family, and myself. I have been searching the internet for ways of ending this way I feel (thats how I came across this thread).

I am sorry to be dumping this on here, I don't know why I am doing it.

Anyway, I wish you all the best, you are an amazing group, and so supportive of each other.

[Definitely_Otherwise]

Don't go down that path BB19.

People in my family have, and the pain does not end like you imagine it would. It is transferred onto those that remain. You wife and kids would never be the same and become at risk themselves.

You're not on trial and you don't have to prove your worth as person.

Thanks for sharing your story BB19.

Early on in Daz's story I think someone commented that "secrets make you sick".

Seeing that your situation isn't a secret from your wife, and this isn't quite true in your scenario, do you know what part of it is now making you sick?

I think it's fair to say that its crossed the line now, and you need to reach out for professional help. It's only just past lunchtime, could you see someone today or make a call? You won't be judged BB19

Def

[C4]

Hi please don’t do it think of the kids not having a father I’m sure they’d rather a gay dad than no dad at all. I feel like I’m at the crossroads with my emotions as well but your not alone here you have support there are others going through it too . I came out 14 months ago and know the feelings of disappointment you feel like your a failure but your not . With me I don’t know what I want anymore I’ve withdrawn emotionally for years I’m scared to let anyone in I go to the gym and look away in shame at all the men and I’m sad all the time I thought I was coping bit I’m not im scared like you are like all of us on here we don’t know what it means going forward for us the unknown we’ve hidden all our lives and we’re frightened of something that should be natural and normal. Please if you can speak to someone do it we’re her for you mate . I’m Craig if you need to chat ok as well as Darren and Tim .