Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

[Only_I_know]

The last 4 weeks have been sickening. I've cried countless times with the guilt and I'm so terrified. We've just celebrated 20years of marriage but I ruined it having cancelled our dinner date and night out in the city, because of the guilt had made me feel so sick. I'm not eating properly and now lost 10kg. She is the most beautiful woman I know and I hate myself for being gay. I just bloody hate it. No one else knows and it scares me to death. I have no one that I can vonfide in, and tggat makes me cry too. I've been mentally all over the place this last week, it's gotten so bad that I've started to think alot about death. Not that I think I'd do something dumb, but I can't stop thinking about suicide. I'm terrified about what my kids will think and my folks, who have shown themselves to be homophobic bigots in the past. I know they love me to death, and would probably be ok, but I'm really scared, like never before in 47 years. I question why I got married in the first place knowing I am gay, but I think I thought I could live a life hiding these feelings. I've never been with a guy in any way, but between the stress, guilt and anxiety, is all I think about. and I have been faithful as I really do love her with all my heart and it saddens me to break her heart, and mine. I've been playing it over and over in my head, I almost had a car accident today as I was crying and distracted, it's all totally consuming me. I think it may have been better, if not easier, if I had died, then No one would ever know, and her broken heart wouldn't be for knowing that her husband wasn't who she thought he was. It's really tough right now, talking to others over the last couple of weeks on this forum helped a bit, but I'm not sure if it is anymore, I know I'm sinking into some sort of depression and dont know what to do. I went to the dr about not eating, went for blood tests to see why, but I knew why. I was only going for the sake of my family. I wanted the dr to send me to a psychologist or something, but he wouldn'thave it. I'm really sick to death of it all, the lies, the confusion and the anxiety, and now lack of sleep. I'm thinking of telling her tomorrow but don't really think I'm brave enough. I'm a good person. It's just freakin fair.

[Definitely_Otherwise]

Daz,

Your story is amazing. You were in such a dark place. I think it's heartbreaking that people can get to that place inside themselves where they feel they have limited options, and that their only real option is to do something permanent. I'm sure many have, and I think that is just so, so sad. Your wife must be devastated. I'm sure that she has been on a rollercoaster of emotions and the truth is she's probably going to have a lot of grief when you leave. She will really miss you but the transition has to start eventually. I prefer to rip my bandaids off quick but when kids are involved I think it is wise to make it a staged separation.

Your wife will be OK. She seems like a very resilient person and like Esti's husband has a very strong sense of who she is, and what is and is not something that a person can control. There was no intent to cause hurt. It hurt anyway, but it wasn't driven by a desire to do that. It sounds like she has contextualised it as well, and can see that despite same-sex attraction being much more acceptable than it was 25 years ago, it still is not easy to come to terms with let alone live it. You will need a lot of support when you move out. I'm single and it isn't easy coming home to a dark, empty apartment. It forces you to be more social and it doens't matter if you're gay or straight finding someone to share your life with is not easy. You will get there. Don't restrict yourself to the gay world. Just get out and meet new people.

Its lovely that you and your wife are still good friends. I hope that in time once she has grieved the loss of her marriage that she is able to find a wonderfull man that deserves her.

Try and enjoy the last 2 months at home. It will feel surreal when you leave. But that is all normal.

Def

[C4]

Thanks Def for your kind words the three of us have been through a lot on here as have many others and even though I’ve been out the longest as you said it can take years to get used to it and come to terms with the guilt and self loathing. Sometimes I think how can I grow as a person as a gay man and have self worth. I had everything and lost it all with three words . I thought where to from here I have to start from scratch I lost my identity sexuality manhood and self worth as well as take 110% of the blame for the marriage failure. The depth of despair was overwhelming you just don’t want to continue as you failed everyone around you and think your a disappointment as a husband son and friend. Yes the counseling is helping but it’s a slow process. They say loneliness causes despair and I can say yes it does for all the friends in the world can’t help the emptiness inside some days . I’m glad the guys are getting the help they need as it’s a long road ahead and it’s not easy all I can say is don’t don’t do it alone like I did get the support to move forward. Thanks for your words of encouragement . Craig

[Only_I_know]

Hey mate, just checking in on you. We're here if you need to chat. Please don't go it alone.

Cheers

Daz

[Blue_Simon]

Hi Daz, Craig and all,

Don’t worry I promise I will keep you informed and won’t go it alone. I need as much help as I can get so will still be talking to you all for a very long time. Well, day 3 and I am numb as a result of the weekends events. I have a psych appt tomorrow that I am very much looking forward to as I need some guidance and mental support at this stage. All other areas of support are still being arranged and I will let you know when I can get everything soughted. I am so concerned for my wife, she simply is not coping and that is understandable. The lines of communication remain wide open even if just for a barrage of grief and abuse and questions that I simply cannot answer. I have caused this so need to stand by her and allow her to deal with it all. It’s no less heartbreaking today as I know it will be for years.

I did ask her to take today off, she refused but I have since discovered that she has and I am pleased. I pray she has used the time to arrange some private help for herself. I’m back assessing at work today but it has been extremely difficult. I will have tomorrow off.

Such kind words are being shared between all here over the past 2 days. I am fortunate to have found this group and will never be able to thank everyone enough.

I am not ashamed of who I am now but will live with grief and sorrow for what I have put those I love through. My wife has said she has no idea who this new person is it I hope in time she recognises that I am still just the same Tim. Time will tell I suppose.

I hope everyone is having a nice Monday and I will check in again tonight when everyone is around. Thank you all so much.

[C4]

Hi Simon I’m glad you have counseling tomorrow it will be a start for you and very emotional as well as all the feelings come out . I had concern for my wife as well and took all the blame for the breakup she has since forgiven me but there still is some guilt on my part . She will forgive once things settle down and realise it wasn’t your fault it’s just who you are . I’m glad your not ashamed of who you are that’s half the battle in self acceptance first . Maybe I can take a leaf from you and Darren in self acceptance for myself. I know it seems numb and a blur right now but in the weeks and months to come it gets easier to get through things I promise it will just have faith in yourself and the help available. Hope to here from you soon .

[Only_I_know]

Hey my friend, I can't tell you how glad I was to see your post. I checked a few times today as I was a little worried - I know exactly where your mind is at the moment. For me it was getting to the lowest point ever in my journey, where I had almost done something dumb and requiring police assistance. I don't really think I would have done it, but recognise that these things start somewhere. Thankfully, I'm nowhere near that anymore and do recognise the signs. You seem to have a grasp on that too, which is awesome.
I can't say that your feelings of guilt and self-loathing will ever go away, but they will diminish over time. I think finding someone you can love and experience the fun stuff with will only help that over time.
I'm very glad you have your appt tomorrow, if your appt is anything like mine, then it may only be a 50min or so session (hopefully its a longer one), so you probably won't get through all of your emotions, questions etc. If you have some that are a priority to you, then I'd suggest making a list of things you want to cover, and in order. I can tell you though that the majority of your session will be filled with tears and sobbing. This is going to be so good for you, to be able to expel all of that emotion and stuff going on in your head.
I've been saddened by your heartbreak, and what you've been going through, but overjoyed that you have done what you are doing, and I'm particularly happy that you don't feel ashamed of yourself. I no longer am ashamed of myself either. We only get the one lifetime, and we deserve to be completely happy too, despite our feelings of guilt over our previous choices.
And you are right, this forum is a god send. I don't know where or what I'd be doing if it hadn't been for the connections I've made here, or even if I would be here at all. The positivity I received was overwhelmingly awesome and probably saved me.
And you are also right, you are the same Tim that your wife knew and loved, the only difference is that she now sees ALL the ingredients that made you the man you are.
I’ll be around for a while mate, so happy to chat.

hugs to you
Daz

[Only_I_know]

Hey mate, I've posted but I think the nature of my words tends to get checked with some stuff I say and they get held up.

Thinking of you, here now when you want to chat.

Daz

[Blue_Simon]

Hey Daz & Craig,

I hope you guys had a good day, mine was certainly stressful, confronting and painful.

I have started telling a few more people I work with now. They are close to me and have known me for many years. Lots of concern and support which is really wonderful. Craig, I do hope you can find some self acceptance some day. I now know who I am and have accepted it but are still a long way, maybe never, from feeling good about what I have done to others I love. Home is still very raw and confronting and aggressive but I need to just ride it out and hope for a suitable outcome.Communication seems to be dropping off a bit due to her anger and resentment. I understand completely why my wife is so devestated but is am trying to continue the conversation . I hope you are right Craig with all you previously said, I think it’s just going to take a long time.

Daz I look forward to reading about your day also. I seem to have some of my words checked as well, all good.

Anyway, more study awaits so I will check in again soon. Psych appt tomorrow so really excited to talk more with her.

[Only_I_know]

Hey Tim, the post came thru, it goes in order, I think because I talked about my dark thoughts it gets checked carefully. A note gets sent to my inbox to let me know.

Yes it will probably continue to be a bit stressful until your wife starts to come around. I can only really offer you support and suggestions from a clear mind and not experience there, as you know my wife - though she experienced all the emotions - came to understand very quickly. She was more worried about my mental health. And the fact that she had previously suspected, therefore not being a total surprise helped.

Hopefully love will conquer all, and the love she has buried will shine through and resurface. It's important that it does, if not for you 2, but your baby girl.

You clearly are a patient person, something else I admire about you.

If your wife won't seek counseling, than an option is coming to these forums. There are a few posts here from her angle too, but that would mean that your comments could be viewed by her too. Now that could work for you, but it could work the opposite too.

Your psychologist will be able to offer some advice and support around that. I'm excited for you that it is tomorrow. Let us know how you go, I'll be keen to hear!

I really need to take a break, and get away for a few days, just feeling quite taxed at the moment. I mean, I'm ok, but just need to get away and relax. I know it isn't possible, not yet anyway. I think I need to wait until I've moved out. I don't know where I want to go, Ideally somewhere warm, there'd be a pool, a bar, lounge chairs, another bar, shade of course, and plenty to do should I choose, like nice places to walk or a winery and cheese factory or the like to visit. And I'd have several good books too. Maybe a golf course in case I decided it was time to learn.

Alas, I think that is a while away, maybe a night in the city will have to do, but then, of course I now have no one to share it with.

But you can always daydream. I think I'm feeling a bit wistful tonight, and that was even without a glass of red.

I hope you are able to actually study, I seriously don't understand how you do it with everything going on. Another thing that amazes me about you.

Going to go and read for a while I think, haven't been sleeping well and it relaxes my mind.

Cheers Daz

[Blue_Simon]

Hey mate,

My inbox gets those messages too, mainly because I may have shared too much info that could connect with you or Craig. Oh well, if you look hard enough.

I am a patient person but it still is very draining. I hope my wife seeks help soon as well. She hasn’t said a word to me today at all. Just looked through me as if I am gone already. Oh yeah, too late to introduce her to this thread, she found it on the weekend and has used much of its content as ammunition against me over the past 2 days. Some of it has been really hurtful and nasty but I’m not going to stop posting. In time I hope she can see that this is the type of support I need.

I hope that you do get that break you are talking about one day. Something to look forward to when things become normal again. The company will be there, as I said above, keep looking.

Go and enjoy your book and I will let you know how tomorrow goes.

Goodnight Daz.