The thought of him being with anyone but me is soul crushing

[hackneyed]

I'm at the end of the road. I am currently plagued with a myriad  of illnesses, so I'm not going into my situation with a very happy attitude. I'd hit rock bottom before I'd even gotten to whatever stage I'm at now, and I was ready to end it all until by some stroke of luck I managed to meet someone. I'd always pushed my bisexuality (5 on a Kinsey scale) deep down and never acted or really "got in touch" with it. So I met someone online. I don't usually do this sort of a thing because I knew where I was heading and I didn't  want to potentially upset anyone with my departure. We started talking, and we got along really well. Had very similar interests and a similar sense of humour. I started getting feelings for this person (he told me as soon as we started talking that he was bi) which I tried to ignore. We continued talking for a month or so and one day he wasn't online at the usual time. This worried me, and I got so worried that I actually started to get nervous. Then when he came online a couple days later I felt so relieved and I told him "I love you, don't you ever do that again". I soon realised what I had said and thought about it... I had fallen in love with him. We had snapchatted and all that sort of stuff and he told me he thought I was cute (something I'm not used to) and I originally wrote it off as "he's just nice, you don't really love him". But then he said it back. This confused me so much, and I asked him in what way and he stated "In a romantic way". I was really lost here, I'd never experienced these sorts of feelings before. This is when I did something I probably shouldn't have. I gave into it. We talked almost every day for 5 months after this. We said the 3 words all the time and it felt good. But here's the issue: he lives on the other side of the planet. The feeling of falling so hard for  someone that I couldn't meet due to my illnesses was the most devastating, soul crushing feeling ever. So I told him, I told him my situation and he is still friends with me. He's admitted the romantic feelings,  but is currently trying to get with someone he knows. The thought of him being with anyone but me is soul crushing. He doesn't want me to leave him, but I think he's making me worse. I'm so lonely...

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[hackneyed]

I wanted to add... I have told him what I am thinking and where I am emotionally and he doesn't want me to do anything reckless. But I can't help but feel like I'm such a trainwreck of a human being that I just give up. He is my image I'd imagine of "a perfect boyfriend" (and I'm not just saying this because of how I feel about him) and it's so hard realising the fact if I ever get to meet him, it's going to be so far down the track he could have a life partner. I'd love to be friends with him in person, but I can't separate the romantic feelings I have towards him from the regular friendship side. I'm a 19 (soon 20) year old male who never got to experience a normal childhood. I couldn't fit that in the original post.

[justinok]

Hey mate, what an explosion of emotions you're feeling. I know what that's like, to be yearning totally for someone that you can't have, for whatever reason, in this case it's distance.  I think for your own sake that you should put this one on ice and distance yourself so you can start to heal.  

I'm worried to hear that you were feeling suicidal. If anything good has come out of this, it is that you have found a reason to keep going. You can love and you are capable of being loved.

The danger in the situation that your'e in is that you are so desperate to reach out, it sounds like you are using this connection as a way to validate yourself, and that is not going to be a good thing in the long run.  It's such a cliche phrase but it's true, you have to be comfortable and learn to love yourself first before you can love others in a healthy way.  If your'e too dependent on another person, the relationship is uneven and will not work.

There is no such thing as a perfect boyfriend, I'm not saying that to diminish how you're feeling, but hopefully to help you get those feelings more in perspective. What you're feeling is intense and beautiful but those are your feelings, and to project them onto someone else like that and tell yourself it's a fact will set you up for a bigger fall when you are inevitably disappointed (and I don't mean he will be mean to you, just that if you have told yourself in your head that someone is 'perfect', then anything he does that isn't perfect will upset you).

This is a bit rambly but I hope it makes some sense to you. I'd like to talk to you some more, doesn't sound like you're able to talk about these things too often.

[hackneyed]

justinok said: put this one on ice

 

I thought about this.  But then I remember what it was like before I had him in my life and  I think the pain of the losing him now will be the same as losing him later. 

found a reason to keep going

and I'm considering getting rid of it. 

to validate yourself

Ha... I was discussing this with him. A part of it is that it makes me feel wanted. I want to feel needed by someone. 

no such thing as perfect

I have to disagree with you. I really can't word it any way but he was everything I looked for in a partner. I guess perfect is the best word I has to describe it. I don't treat him like nothing he does is wrong or anything, I guess it's just an easier way than me saying that I love him so much. 

set me up for a bigger fall

 

See I just don't know if there will be a bigger fall. I feel like I'm so deep into it now if I say goodbye the loss can't get any worse. 

No matter the outcome of the situation, I'm going to be back at where I was before I met him. And I'd rather not stay there long. He's the only reason I've got to try, I have no drive in the morning without him. 

I understand what your saying, and it's good to have an opinion, but I still feel lost and hopeless. 

[AGrace]

Hi hackneyed, 

You mentioned that this guy you've fallen for is currently trying to get with someone he knows. 

Are you able to explain this?  People who love one another don't back down when things get tough. They move mountains to make things work. 

I hear loud and clear your intense feelings for this person, I'm just not sure that I hear his reciprocation as clearly. 

May I ask what illnesses are standing in the way of you travelling? 

I'm guessing that the fact he lives in another country was information you both knew in the beginning, is he willing to come to you? 

I know this is a lot of questions, I certainly don't want to see you get hurt, I just think it best to really understand this guy's intentions before placing him on that pedestal you have prepared. 

AGrace

[hackneyed]

Hi AGrace.

Sorry it was just poor wording, I wasn't really in the state of mind to proof read what I wrote. A better way to explain it is we aren't reserved for each other. Despite our feelings we haven't said "we should stay single until we can meet up" because I can't guarantee (due to my situation) if that will ever happen. Trust me, I'd love to make us become a thing but I could never ask someone I loved to make themselves be alone. He isn't actually going after a certain person, he's jusf hasn't stopped looking because of the way we feel about each other. Mostly because I told him not to wait. I'm not waiting either, but I'm not looking. I'm not comfortable enough with myself to look for someone. I'd need to be found... If that makes any sense.

Sorry I'd rather not talk about my medical situation. 

Yes we were aware of the distance but we never expected this to come out of it. He wasn't aware of my sexuality until I told him. No he isn't of means to afford the travel. 

I do believe he has the best intentions for me, we are just being realistic about it.

[geoff]

dear Hackneyed, thanks for posting your comment, and can I say that how you feel about someone is no different than to love another person of the opposite gender, boy I would hate to think of how many ladies I communicate with that I would like to have a relationship with, but it doesn't happen.

The reason being is that I have suffered from depression and I'm not sure how capable I would be to sustain any relationship no matter how much they said they loved me, but this has never happened and if it did I would be perplexed.

I understand that you don't want to talk about your illness or medical condition, point taken, but going back to my situation I don't believe anyone would want to live with me, even though I have overcome depression.

The both of you love each other because of the discussions, but maybe he doesn't want to have to cope with your illness, because the person you are on the phone is the person he loves.

Not sure I am making any sense. Geoff.

[hackneyed]

Hey Geoff.

No I can't say I'm really sure what you are saying. Are you saying he doesn't love me because of the stress of the illness and wants to keep it as uninvolved but "involved"?

[AGrace]

Hi hackneyed,

I just reread your original post and I've been reading some of your replies. I can't help thinking that as much as you're trying to play it down, and as much as you wish that you could move on, you really love this guy. It also sounds like he really loves you. It's not uncommon to fall in love with people online, that's how I met my partner. I just wonder whether you should both own up to the fact that despite your circumstances, you want to be together?

I think if he was to tell you he'd met someone else you'd be heartbroken. Is it not worth a shot at trying to make this work for a little while longer until one of you is in a predicament to move? He won't be alone, he'll have you. You may not be next to him in the literal sense but he'll have your heart, he'll hear your voice, and read your messages, hey you can even skype one another. Who knows whats around the corner, there might be a chance for you to meet up. Maybe he can make it one of his goals to save up to come and see you. Maybe you can focus on getting well so that you can go to see him. It would be tough being friends when you both just want to profess your love for one another. Plenty of people make long distance relationships work.

What do you really want from this relationship?

AGrace

[justinok]

Mate I don't think you're going to be happy with any answer other than 'this guy is the perfect guy for you and you should move heaven and earth to be with him'.  From what you have written - and trust me, I have been where you are and felt just like this - you have bigger issues to deal with first.  Feeling like you want to end it all if you can't be with someone is a sign that you need to look after yourself first and foremost.  When someone is that mentally unwell, a relationship is not going to be realistic.  I've burned off more than few guys because I was too needy, too early, and I needed to sort out my own issues first.  It sounds like you're looking for excuses to continue this relationship even though it isn't realistic at this point in time.  When it comes to pain and loneliness, sometimes we have to want to change before we can get better.  Making a choice to move on is often the first step.