The thought of him being with anyone but me is soul crushing

hackneyed · ‎25-07-2014

I'm at the end of the road. I am currently plagued with a myriad of illnesses, so I'm not going into my situation with a very happy attitude. I'd hit rock bottom before I'd even gotten to whatever stage I'm at now, and I was ready to end it all until by some stroke of luck I managed to meet someone. I'd always pushed my bisexuality (5 on a Kinsey scale) deep down and never acted or really "got in touch" with it. So I met someone online. I don't usually do this sort of a thing because I knew where I was heading and I didn't want to potentially upset anyone with my departure. We started talking, and we got along really well. Had very similar interests and a similar sense of humour. I started getting feelings for this person (he told me as soon as we started talking that he was bi) which I tried to ignore. We continued talking for a month or so and one day he wasn't online at the usual time. This worried me, and I got so worried that I actually started to get nervous. Then when he came online a couple days later I felt so relieved and I told him "I love you, don't you ever do that again". I soon realised what I had said and thought about it... I had fallen in love with him. We had snapchatted and all that sort of stuff and he told me he thought I was cute (something I'm not used to) and I originally wrote it off as "he's just nice, you don't really love him". But then he said it back. This confused me so much, and I asked him in what way and he stated "In a romantic way". I was really lost here, I'd never experienced these sorts of feelings before. This is when I did something I probably shouldn't have. I gave into it. We talked almost every day for 5 months after this. We said the 3 words all the time and it felt good. But here's the issue: he lives on the other side of the planet. The feeling of falling so hard for someone that I couldn't meet due to my illnesses was the most devastating, soul crushing feeling ever. So I told him, I told him my situation and he is still friends with me. He's admitted the romantic feelings, but is currently trying to get with someone he knows. The thought of him being with anyone but me is soul crushing. He doesn't want me to leave him, but I think he's making me worse. I'm so lonely...

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hackneyed · ‎29-07-2014

That's not true man. I posted this here because I was looking for opinions and outside views on my situation without any personal ties.

I've decided to continue on with our friendship. If it ends now I will be back at where I was before I met him. He's my only reason to get up in the morning, he's my drive to continue going on and I need it. Before I met him I had attempted to take my own life. I had a plan, but obviously if it had worked I wouldn't be posting this right now. I met him on a forum and I've had no desire to follow through with that plan again.

I think whatever good he does for me severely outweighs the bad.

Sorry for completely missing your reply AGrace but I haven't really got a good answer for you. Because of both of our situations there's no chance of us meeting for at least 3 years (estimate). He doesn't come from a fortunate background and as such it's difficult for him to support himself let alone save for an international flight. What I want from it? I'm embarrassed to say.

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

justinok · ‎29-07-2014

Ok, fair enough. Friendships are friendships and we all need those. I just think it's worth you re-reading what you've written, mate. You're saying that if it weren't for this guy, you'd be possibly thinking about ending it again. That's really, really serious stuff. Is this guy aware you feel like this? Essentially what you're doing is putting your welfare in the hands of another person who lives on the other side of the world, and if for some reason your friendship starts to fall away (like if he gets busy in his job, gets a partner or whatever and can't come online as much) you are saying that you will be at rock bottom. That's not a healthy place to be, not for you, and not for a friend who literally can't be there for you.

I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh, I just worry from reading this that this friendship (or at least the way you are viewing it, as a saving grace) is stopping you from getting the help you really need.

hackneyed · ‎31-07-2014

Yes I'm aware of what I had written, and that is the moderator approved version. Not mine as such.

I've told him where I was before I met him, and I've told him where he pulled me from. I told him that I don't want him to feel obligated, and I hope he doesn't. But this is the situation I'm in.

When you've had as much time as being in this state of mind that I'm in, it doesn't become "really, really serious" anymore.

I wouldn't expect anymore replies from me.

justinok · ‎31-07-2014

I've learnt not to expect anything, mate, which was a major turning point for me in feeling better and more positive about life.

hackneyed · ‎08-12-2014

So I'm still around. And I'm still talking to this person. However the change in my mental health has clearly deteriorated our friendship and now they are "busy" (I'm not sure if they are telling me the truth but I'm assuming they aren't) a lot and I rarely get the time of day.

So I'm not sure what came out of this friendship he and I had. I guess all it really did was prolong the inevitable.

So I give up, I give up trying to find someone, I give up pretending to be happy. I just give up. I'll be alone when all I ever wanted was to give someone else affection. In the end I was never really supposed to be happy, I guess.