Scared about coming out to my parents

[LittleMissAlice]

Hello...

Righto, so I've been trans female for a while now... I've kinda cone terms with everything about that, as much as possible anyway, but I'm absolutely utterly completely terrified about telling my parents. I've spent most of my sentient life hearing my family ranting on about the evils of the LGBT+ community, and I know that there's no way that telling them will go well for me, but I feel like I need to tell them or I'll never be able to , you know, be myself or whatever. What to do? Do I even need to tell them? Help please...

[TheBigBlue]

Hi LittleMissAlice,

There’s no right or wrong answer here.
Do you have to tell them? No you don’t, but I’m guessing perhaps a part of you does because you are asking here.

I imagine this may the hardest/scariest thing you have possibly ever had to do. It’s normal to be scared about what will happen, especially if the talk you have heard from them 8 the past hasn’t been positive.

i guess you just really need to think about what will make you feel best? Will your life be better with the secret off your chest? If it was me, I think letting it out would help me, but it would be terrifying.

I hope you can work out what will work best for you & you have the courage to follow through with whatever decision you make.
Best of luck, I really do hope things can work out for you

[LittleMissAlice]

Hi TheBigBlue,

That helps a lot, thank you, firstly. To be honest, I don't think telling them will considerably change my life for the better really. But on that note, there's nothing I can really do to exist happily at the moment that doesn't involve me telling them, so it's kind of a lose-lose situation for everyone, if that mKes sense?

[geoff]

Hello LittleMissAlice, and a warm welcome to the forums, thanks for having the courage to post your comment.

The hardest part here is to let your parents and family know that you're trans female, but really should it be?

In any relationship, aren't they going to make a judgement on who you bring home, either compliment or criticise the person, either way, this is going to affect how you feel, now extrapolate this to your situation, is it any different, maybe or not.

Your parents may have an idea by the way you have dressed up and behaved, as a parent, we tried to be conscious of what and how our 2 sons were growing up, the clothes, the sports, their friends and how they were behaving, so any change to their behaviour was noticed and discussed by my wife and myself, and sometimes one of us/both would talk to our son/s.

This is not any fault from anybody and this is essential to empathise, and actually, fault, is not the correct word, but I hope you know what I mean.

Bring the conversation up with one parent and if you need to write down a few points if that will make it easier.

Try not to be afraid and approach this with confidence and please let us know if you have any questions.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[LittleMissAlice]

Thanks geoff,

You're definitely right with your main point there, I guess there's always going to be regular parental judgement in whatever happens, which does make me feel a lot better abut the situation. I guess its just regular, normal coming out fear?

On that note, though, even with that dismissed, there's just the knowledge that there is no way that they'll be supportive. Lots of people have told me that I cant know that until I've told them, but I did try to tell my mum once, and it was not at all pretty. I love my parents, but the fact that they'll be disgusted or even hate me for being transgender is scary and depressing, and it makes me feel kind of trapped, in a sense.

Thanks again

[eight]

i remember writing this long considerate post which got a something something has advice we dont agree with its not posted ra ra roma roma-ma and i've entirely given up on that trying to be comforting but i'm just reading these two replies of like these cishets who are going "oh. if it was me. oh i imagine if i was trans" because they've never had to ever come out in their lives and they never will and thinking how poorly misguided that sounds

like, you've said. you're paralysed of telling these people who you've heard nothing but bad things from and i'm guessing you're still living under their roof you're still dependent on them and you're minimizing it to "regular normal coming out fear"?? and how you've told your mum, wasn't pretty, but you're trying again all from these "live your truth!! xoxo ❤️ ❤️ <3" and i cannot agree with them without feeling like i'm totally leading someone into danger.

you don't need to come out right now especially if this is going to compromise your safety or you'll be hurt. a Good Ell Gee Bee Tee isn't measured by oh but are they out to Everyone? not being out to your parents ≠ forever being relegated to the closet. people have came out people have transitioned when they're older and independent. i can't echo this thread in good conscience

[LittleMissAlice]

*Hyperventilates slightly*

(also sorry, note, when I said I told my mum I forgot to say I tried to tell her, but then her initial reaction was pretty crap so I pulled out, so she doesn't know... sorry that wasn't super clear in hindsight)

Anywho, yeah I am still very dependent on them, so that doesn't make it easier. I really hope it wouldn't be a dangerous situation, but even without that, I don't want to go through the rest of my life having to hide myself from people.

Do you think maybe I should just wait until im less dependent on them/move out or something?

[Birdy77]

Hello LittleMissAlice,

Straight up (hahaha): i am not trans (but i am a lesbian, so i have my own experiences of "coming out") so i am supporting you from a different angle, but i would put forward that maybe there us no hurry to tell your parents?

You are your own person, and yes, you want to live your life and not feel shamed for any part of your identity.

But do you feel absolutely compelled to tell them right now?

It's absolutely ok to have your private life. And to come out about whatever you want to come out about *when you are ready*.

There is no hurry, and i would encourage you to enjoy learning who LittleMissAlice is and celebrating your awsomeness before sharing that awesomeness with anyone who is not going to celebrate it with you.

❤

🌻birdy

[LittleMissAlice]

Thanks birdy,

That's so very very helpful, I feel a lot better about "needing" to do this now. I guess there is no real necessity in telling them right now, and like you said, if its going to badly then its definitely not worth it.

Thank you all! Yet again this is the perfect place to whine about my problems and have people solve them for me

[eight]

oh christ that “i tried to talk to them but they didnt understand and i havent tried again since” hurts on another level. i keep running through the memories of [i dont even know how to phrase this without getting a “kids can you lighten up a little”] and wondering if the same thing will happen if i ask to use another name even if its much later. environment and time is temporary but the mistakes you make when you’re a twelve year old is forever. maybe that disqualifies me because im biased and you know where im batting for but i’ve never been able to find help for it so im making it everybody else’s problem babey!!!

and ye i’d say. if you’re independent you could try coming out. it's worth being prepared. this will come to you eventually its not something to rush. every single story is this high school twink and how hard coming out is for him and it sort of cements that if you havent been out by the time you’re what, 19, then what’s the point?? and not only is that unrealistic for lots of lgbt people but i feel like pushing Everyone has to be out you can force out lots of closets who’d feel or are better in because they feel an obligation to do it when it Doesn’t Exist. don’t go the distance for other people do it for yourself, yknow? maybe i’m too awfully dull and gloomy for awesomeness but i’m saturday morning special enough for that