Straight men and underwear

[Soouncertain]

Hi all, hoping to get some feedback and advice. Have been with my partner for 3 years, we have a child together etc. Very happy and love each other. But recently found out he's been on gay/trans site and enjoys womens lingerie. I trust he's never physically been with anyone else but I still worry. He sad he only used those sites as it was a quick easy way to boost self esteem and validate certain kinks of underwear, not any actually attraction to men. That a sexual feeling to men has never crossed his mind.
Has sworn on life that there's no actual attraction to men etc. But enjoys the power of womens underwear.
A little background, he grew up around all women and never had much of a strong male rolemodel to look up to. A past relationship that caused a lot of self esteem issues and in and feeling of worthlessness.

I accept him whole heartedly, but do worry that there is more to it than he'll admit. Have done my best to give him a safe place to talk an open up. As I also suffer from depression and anxiety, which I know causes me to overthink.

If anyone has had similar experiences themselves or with there partner I'd love to hear talk.
It doesn't bother me, everyone has there kinks, but I want to know if I'm being nieve here or have genuine concern.
Really hoping this makes sense to someone out there. Thank you all for reading!

[alasdayr]

I can understand how this is distressing to you.

Firstly, there is a difference between gender dysphoria (feeling like you are the wrong gender, usually classified as trans), cross-dressing (affinity for dressing in garments of the opposite gender because they are garments of the opposite gender) and androphilia/gynephilia/ambiphilia (being attracted to a specific (or both) genders).

Love is not about intercourse, but caring for each other.

From the sound of what he has described to you, he enjoys cross dressing, is gynephilic (attracted to women, and particularly cares for you) and not gender dysphoric.

What keeps a relationship alive is open, honest communication. Accept him for who he is (quirks and all), allow open and honest communication, and support him and your child. I know it's far easier said than done, but this seems to be the best way forward.

The interest in the gay(male androphilia)/trans(gender dysphoria) site is likely because it has the material that piques his interest in cross-dressing. Finding sites with such information that does not feature gay/trans material would be extraordinarily rare.


Alasdayr.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

This is a good post because it highlights how diverse humans are in terms of sexual differences and what some enjoy albeit quirky.

If you husband is honest about his unusual fetish then what is the harm? However if he is concealing anything else then that is where it all gets murky.

I suggest relationship counseling would benefit you both.

TonyWK

[smallwolf]

Hi ya and welcome to beyond blue.

While I have not had similar experiences as you requested, I can listen, we can chat, etc.

I also suffer from depression and anxiety so I know what you are saying. Well, depression says I dont care and anxiety makes me care too much. So assuming that he know that he can talk openly with you about any of this may be all you can do for the moment - a little it of trust - bit like fixing a software bug, despite fixing it, you are never quite sure if you forgot something, and a seed of doubt grows.

What part is worse for you? the websites or underwear?

I don't know the answers and you are talking about it which is also healthy. Other than your worry, how does it make you feel?

Listening to you,

Tim

[Soouncertain]

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for the replies! They've helped more then I could ever explain.
It was only the online dating sites that bothered me as I felt it to be dishonest and an extent of cheating.
Had he been honest and told me earlier (I realise how difficult it can be) I would have accepted it and like I am now doing all I can to support and even implement these things into our life.

I've always been very open minded myself, which I've always said.

I love him for who is, and just feel soo sad that he didn't trust me with this, to the point of him taking actions to become damaging our relationship.

As selfish as this sounds, it's still taken me abit to absorb it all, as it came out soo late in our relationship. Has triggered my depression and anxiety. I want him to feel safe and open, but worry it's at the cost of bearing alot of weight on my own shoulders that i become numb to myself

Sorry for the huge post

[alasdayr]

Soouncertain,

It is incredibly courageous of you to reach out and seek help. It is the right thing to do.

It is also understandable that this has triggered depression and anxiety. You feel as if this is unfair and it's your fault. It is NOT your fault.

The fabric of trust is so much more easily torn than mended.

Your partner would likely feel a large amount of shame, guilt and confusion over this and would struggle to talk to anyone about the situation (particularly those he sees would get hurt the most by it).

Now that the situation is exposed to the light of day, I suggest that you BOTH seek counselling, TOGETHER. Likely there is more to the iceberg that appears on the surface (for both of you). Communication and caring will be the keys to a successful outcome on this for all.


Alasdayr