questioning my sexuality 17 f

[lunamaree7]

i have started to question my sexuality. i always have assumed i'm straight but i've started to find girls attractive. i'm not attracted to masculine guys but rather more feminine guys that wear makeup, more feminine clothing/androgynous looking. i find androgynous woman attractive. i have never even kissed anyone or anything but i feel as though i would want to get to know and trust the person before i do anything with them and it's mainly about their personality or who they are than what they look like. i also have never touched myself as i'm too embarrassed but i have watched adult movies, erotic manga and i recently watched some porn. i feel disgusted to seeing a penis yet i still find the rest of a guy attractive. i find seeing a vagina kind of weird but i think i find the rest of the female body attractive. sometimes i find myself mainly focusing on the girl. but for some reason i have the thought of i don't want to find girls attractive. i'm really open and left wing but i don't know if this is homophobia but only to myself? i don't have a problem with anyone else being queer in any way.  if anyone knows what this means or how to put this into a term of explain i would really appreciate because i'm uncomfortable saying it out loud and not sure i want to talk to anyone i know about this. sorry if this was explicit but this is what i feel and i need to get it out.

[BoltRog]

Hey Lunamaree,

So you're struggling at the moment with the ideas of sex / men fantasizing over you and you feel like you may not be able to accept the idea of you possibly being any variation of gay, correct? You've also never been intimate with anyone and you find feminine/androgynous types attractive. I see so much of my own 17 year old self in you and let me tell you, you have a big journey of self discovery ahead of you.

First of all, some perspective for you,

- Many people don't get intimate with people even into their 20s, and for some, (rarer) 30s and later. That means you have 3 years before you're even close to that age bracket, so you've got LOADS of time to start feeling more comfortable with yourself.

- I say become more comfortable with yourself, because why would you want someone else touching you if you're uncomfortable touching yourself and finding what you enjoy? When you finally are ready to get intimate with people it will be much more enjoyable for you if you know what your body likes and you can trust your own body. (No one has to know, it's your own secret to keep to yourself if that's what you want)

- Other people's opinions are not your business. This one's hard. REALLY hard. But remember it and you may feel a weight shift off you.

- Finally -

I'm going to leave you with a memory of mine and a take away message from that.

- I was 16 or 17, my best friend had moved away 6 months ago and I started to realise that I may like her as more than a friend cause I missed her way too much for it to be normal (plus a couple other signs). There I was at 2am sitting on the shower floor, water running over me, crying. "How could I accept myself?" "I can't be gay, I just can't. I've been straight my whole life" " I can't like girls" "How would I even tell people?" thoughts like this playing through my head. Then holding this information inside me, being my family thinking over it constantly - feeling ashamed and confused and like I had a secret to tell. It took me a while before I came out to my friends and family, my mother didn't believe me at first.

- Take away: When it was all out in the open, I learnt not to care so much. It wasn't this 'big deal' that I made it out to be in my head. No one bats an eyelid or gasps when they find out. If that is who you are, it's ok. Anyone who is going to look down on you for that, is outdated these days and looked at as a caveman. If that's you, just be you.

-Take your time.-

BoltRog.