New to this- Struggling to stop thinking about something that happened in the past

[Emce]

Hi, I’m new to this so I don’t really know where to start, I don’t really have issues with my sexuality, I just feel more comfortable talking about my life in here.

I’m a 38yr old married lesbian with 2 kids. My wife and I have been together for 13 years this Year, 2 yrs ago we went through a rough patch, we worked in the same place and we got a new boss. My wife got quite close to our new boss, to put a long story short I got it in my head she was cheating on me with her. I had been cheated on by my previous 3 partners and I saw a lot of similarities. I think we argued for about 3 months. She had pushed me aside, I felt alone and unloved, while she was giving all of her attention to her new friend. My wife told me she didn’t know if she wanted be with me anymore that I was being controlling. I asked her if she had feelings for this new friend of hers and she told me she didn’t know. In the end she told me she didn’t have feelings for this new friend (to this day I don’t know if she told me that just to get me off her back). A lot went down in those 3 months, sometimes I replay things over and over in my head and I just can’t stop. She didn’t cheat on me I know she didn’t, but it felt like she did.

I hate my job but I can’t afford to lose it, I’m a groundskeeper and it gives me way too much time to think, but that’s not the only thing I hate, I hate everything about it I’m just not a Gardener, I’ve been trying to get a new job but so far have been pretty unsuccessful.

Im a fairly nervous person, and I don’t have much confidence. I want to stop thinking about the stupid things I think about and stop replaying stupid things in my head, my wife and I are going well now. I haven’t told her that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about what happened, I feel if I do it will just start a whole new argument and I don’t want that.

[Swan_13]

Hi Emce,

It can be so hard to get out of our own heads when we keep going over the past and thinking of different possible scenarios in our heads, I'm sure a lot of people here can relate to that. I can't imagine how vulnerable you must have felt when confronted with the possibility or thought that your wife had feelings towards someone else. It would have felt like a challenge to stay in control of your emotions.

On one hand you know she didn't cheat on you but there's this lingering feeling that she did... when you feel this way, it could be helpful to think about the evidence against these negative thoughts you're having. What kinds of things make you say that you know she didn't cheat on you and what kinds of evidence is there to make you feel as though she did? You mention that you are going well at the moment, but I completely understand those thoughts creeping back in from time to time, especially when you've got time to think at work. Do you feel discussing the way you've been feeling with her is something you need to move forward?

It sounds like you've been taking an active approach to finding a new job which is something to be proud of... have you spoken to your wife about the fact that you're unhappy in your current job?

Hope to hear back from you 🙂

[Emce]

I really don’t want to bring up with her that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it, it’s been 2yrs since it all happened and I feel like it would be just weird bringing it up with her, I feel like this is my issue now not hers. My wife wouldn’t lie to me, that’s how I know she didn’t cheat. There are little things that made me feel like she did, I’m a bit embarrassed about it, things like texting each other constantly including in the middle of the night and early hours of the morning, my wife didn’t attempt to hide it tho. They would go away for work along with 14 other staff members, they would have to share a motel room, I found out my wife had asked our boss to stay with her, this got my mind ticking over with all sorts of thoughts that I really didn’t want to think and I shouldn’t have thought ( It’s a little hard to get over that part.)They didn’t end up in the same room together, and I felt stupid after I confronted her yet it’s one thing that keeps popping up in my head.

I struggle to get up and go to work every day sometimes I cry just driving to work, I used to be a workaholic and stress about not going to work if I was sick or if one of the kids were sick. Now I’m trying to find excuses not to go to work. My wife is well aware of how I feel about it, she has been helping me with my resume and cover letter. She knows how I feel she has been in a similar situation so she’s helping me.