questioning my sexuality 17 f

[lunamaree7]

i have started to question my sexuality. i always have assumed i'm straight but i've started to find girls attractive. i'm not attracted to masculine guys but rather more feminine guys that wear makeup, more feminine clothing/androgynous looking. i find androgynous woman attractive. i have never even kissed anyone or anything but i feel as though i would want to get to know and trust the person before i do anything with them and it's mainly about their personality or who they are than what they look like. i also have never touched myself as i'm too embarrassed but i have watched adult movies, erotic manga and i recently watched some porn. i feel disgusted to seeing a penis yet i still find the rest of a guy attractive. i find seeing a vagina kind of weird but i think i find the rest of the female body attractive. sometimes i find myself mainly focusing on the girl. but for some reason i have the thought of i don't want to find girls attractive. i'm really open and left wing but i don't know if this is homophobia but only to myself? i don't have a problem with anyone else being queer in any way.  if anyone knows what this means or how to put this into a term of explain i would really appreciate because i'm uncomfortable saying it out loud and not sure i want to talk to anyone i know about this. sorry if this was explicit but this is what i feel and i need to get it out.

[Doolhof]

Hi lunamaree,

Welcome to the community here on the forum. I feel your post has expressed quite clearly how you are feeling and consider you have written about males and females in a respectful manner.

I'm sure many people question their sexuality at various stages of their lives. It is good that you feel comfortable to do so here.

I like how you mentioned you would want to build up a relationship with a person before you had an intimate or sexual experience with them. That seems like a sensible thing to do.

How we see ourselves sexually I believe has a lot to do with how we have been brought up, the education we have received around sexuality and what our overall experiences are, our personality and character as well.

I'd like to suggest you take your time. Maybe see if the library has any books on sexuality you could read. There have been some great publications aimed at teenagers, I don't recall the titles though sorry.

Hopefully others will join in the conversation and offer you some suggestions.

Do you have any female relatives you could talk to openly?

All the best, cheers from (Mrs) Dools

[lunamaree7]

thank you for the response. i'm not really comfortable speaking with any female relatives or friends (i only have female friends). just because most of them aren't accepting or queer people and are just weird about it. my brother is gay but i'm not close that i can talk to him aboit something this personal. i also want to add something. i feel really uncomfortable when a guy is being very sexual towards me. it's even more uncomfortable the older they are. i am extremeley consious of what i wear and have deliberatley not worn lots of my clothes because just the thought of a guy thinking about me in a sexual way makes me feel gross. i don't mind if i girl felt attracted to me or something like it doesn't gross me out.

[Doolhof]

Hi lunamaree,

Maybe you could Google books about sexuality issues for teenagers. There may be some titles of books that could be informative and interesting to you.

Is there a book shop near you? I know they are quite rare these days! Or would you feel comfortable going to library to ask? You may even be able to Google books available in a library.

I understand about not feeling comfortable talking to people about how you are feeling, so hopefully by writing here, you may gain some help.

It does sound like you are very conscious of how you feel regarding males and their possible sexual thoughts towards you. Maybe you could wear the clothes that make you feel pretty and lovely in your home where you feel safe.

If you don't mind me asking, are you still at school? If so, is there a counsellor whom you would feel comfortable talking with about this?

I wish I had more suggestions and ideas for you!

Cheers again from Dools

[PamelaR]

Hi Lunamaree

Welcome to the forums. I think Dools has given you some great ideas. Not sure how much I can add to that.

I'm pleased you've been able to express yourself and to get out what it is you're wanting to say. To me it sounds as though you are not really ready for intimacy yet, with either males or females. That's okay and it's all right to want to get to know someone first. I understand how pressured you feel to decide about your gender preferences. What's the rush? Is someone trying to pressure you into something?

It is interesting that you talk about difficulties in talking about the subject with someone, but you have posted here and did it very well. So maybe it won't be as frightening as you think? What are your thoughts?

Kind regards

PamelaR

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi lunamaree7,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for being here. I appreciate you opening up about it even though it seems like it was a really hard thing to do. Just so you know - all of what you said was okay and it didn't come across too explicit or homophobic.

I'm not entirely sure what you're hoping for in a response but you definitely can talk to us about it. Sexuality is such a unique thing and there's so many different ways to identify yourself and your sexuality now that you never have to conform to any sort of 'box'. I think there's a lot of pressure that we put on ourselves to say well where do I fit? But life doesn't work like that and it's totally okay to not know yet.

Doolhof mentioned a counsellor which might be something to think about - especially since they are going to be accepting of who you are and where you're at. You can also look at this site called Q Life which has free telephone and online support for anyone LGBTQIA+ https://www.qlife.org.au/

Hope this helps

[lunamaree7]

thank you for your advice. no i graduated school last year. i am currently talking to a counseller on a care share plan and the first session was really good and for once i cried while talking about my feelings in front of a counseller. but my next appointment is on the 31st of july and i was just using this to get my feelings out because this has been troubling me for a while. also i'm not sure if i can bring it up to her. i'm comfortable with her but it's just embarrassing to talk about these things to someone in real life. i also think i would benefit more from talking to someone and getting personalizedc advice from someone rather than a book. but it's a good advice.

[lunamaree7]

thank you for the advice. no one is pressuring me to do anyting. this has just been on my mind for so long and i have lots of other unresolved issues, worries and anxieties so i just really want to get help or advice to understand what it means. i don't neccassarily want to label anything. i would just like closure or someone giving their opinion or perspectice and what they think is going on cause i'm clueless.

[lunamaree7]

thank you for the advice. i might check out that resource while i'm waiting to see my counsellor.

[Birdy77]

Dear lunamaree,

From my perspective, i don't think you're feeling homophobia towards yourself, but maybe a form of fear of something different or unexpected?

I went through some of the feelings you have described, when i was your age. I am now in a happy, long term lesbian relationship.

For me, it was all a mishmash, i had boyfriends in highschool, i had feelings for girls, and i knew i was more attracted to females.

But, at 17, i didn't know what was going on. And i can tell you now, that that is totally ok!

If you don't know what's going on for a good while in lots of aspects of your life, including your sexuality, that's totally ok.

At least in my opinion.

Try, if you can, to relax into things ... it will work itself out.

I am more than happy to chat more if you like.

🌻birdy