Obsession

[Owlie7]

Hi, I am not sure if this is the right forum for this but I just wanted some perspective on what I have been feeling about a situation that happened yrs ago.

I met this girl and we've been friends outside of work. We seemed to click really well as we both had trauma in our lives and could relate to each other on some level. I felt like I met a friend that gets me and that I can trust. Maybe I was a bit infatuated because of this, but I never felt this with someone of same sex before and I have a bf.

I started studying for a different role than what we were both doing (still within the same industry). There was some dis-management at our work and we both resigned. She wasn't sure what she wanted to do after and wasn't drawn to the role that I was studying for. We still kept in touch and I remember telling her some struggles I had adjusting to online learning. One day, I picked up in our conversation that sounded like she knew a lot about my course specifics. When I casually asked her, she quickly brushed it off and said that I must have told her about it at some stage.

As part of my course I held a volunteer position and I heard from my colleague that this friend is volunteering there too on a different day to me as she's doing the same course. I felt hurt not hearing this from her as I thought we were friends. Also knowing the struggles I had, I thought we could have supported each other through this journey.

When I lost trust, I completely withdrew and stopped responding to her msgs and we stopped talking. This was a trauma response on my part and I still regret the way I handled it. 2yrs later she sends a msg saying she is sorry if she did anything to hurt me but she didn't know why I ghosted her and that she wished me well. I didn't explain why but said I wished her well and I regretted that our friendship broke.

A few months ago she sends a msg saying she hopes I'm well, she's sad we fell out, and how a song reminded her of me. I said I felt the same and was open for a chat, implying I was ready to tell her why so we can both get closure. She didn't write back.

Obviously I won't know why she lied as she doesn't know that's why I pulled away, but I often wonder. I feel almost obsessive as I think about her regularly and want to stop. She now works in the same role and I wonder if one day we will bump into each other.

Is this lust? I don't know why I think about her still.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Owlie7,

Welcome to the forums. We are so grateful that you decided to share here today as we know it can be really tough to do for the first time.

I'm sure we'll hear from our lovely community soon, some of whom may be able to relate to some of what you're going going through and looking back on. In the meantime, here's a few things you might like to look at:

• Blue Knot (1300 657 380) have a page on Self Care for survivors of trauma
• Beyond Blue has a page on things anyone can do for wellbeing everyday
• Reach Out have some interesting advice on talking through conflict with friends (we know this is aimed at teens and young people, but we think a few of these tips are handy at any age!)

Finally, please remember the Beyond Blue counsellors are here for you if you're feeling distressed and want to talk this through. They're on 1300 22 4636, or reachable via webchat here.

Thanks again for sharing, Owlie. This is a judgment-free space, so please feel free to share, knowing that you'll be met with understanding.

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[Owlie7]

Hi Sophie,

Yes, it is definitely challenging opening up.

I've had a browse through the resources you've posted and found the recommended books section quite useful, thank you.

[YorkeYorke]

Thanks for sharing Owlie.

These close bonds can be so hard to manage sometimes. Sometimes it feels like the best thing to do is to let go and move on, other times all you want is for it to go back to how it was.

Interesting that you have both reached out at different times but it has not quite aligns. It shows the care you both have held at different points and the common threads you see in each other.

I'm hearing that loss and confusion your feeling. Sometimes when there is no answer or explanation it feels harder to move on.

Whether or not its lust, I'm not so sure. Perhaps that shared experience of trauma and deep understanding has something to do with how close you felt.

You said those last messages were a few months ago. Do you feel the same as you do back then about wanting to re-connect or has your perspective changed at all now?

Yorke

[Owlie7]

Hi Yorke/Yorke

I think you're right that it is likely due to the shared trauma experience that I've felt close and in some way heard and understood.

I would find it hard to move past the dishonesty if we were to reconnect, unless her reasons truly justified it but it probably won't be on the same level as I have my guard up now. I find it hard to connect and open up to anyone else ever since. As the way I see it; what she kept from me was so small and insignificant, makes me wonder what else isn't true. I don't like that I have become the person who shuts off when I sense the slightest bit of misconstrusion of truth.

In saying that I feel myself longing for that same connection and maybe the fact that I can't let go of her is for that reason. I guess I do just want to move on since what we had is gone.

[YorkeYorke]

It sounds like it may be that close connection and understanding that you miss more-so than this person, but perhaps this person was the last one you shared that with?

It can be hard to trust again, especially when your trust levels are already low from previous trauma. However I wonder if this person will be in your thoughts less once you are able to trust someone else?

I'm wondering if you feel like you have many opportunities in day-to-day life to meet new people? That's something I struggle with at times that I feel would make things far easier! If you have any ideas yourself I'd love to hear them as it would help me too!

Yorke

[Owlie7]

Yes, she is the last person that I've shared that connection with.

That's an interesting thought. I haven't considered if I will think of her less often if this level of connection was made with someone else. Perhaps? It does make sense.

However, at least right now, it seems more unlikely as I don't create many opportunities to meet new people. This is in part due to the trust aspect and I am also more on the introverted side. It definitely would be easier!

Sorry that I can't give you any ideas in that regard! It is comforting to know someone else struggles with those things. Where do you think you fall on the introvert/extrovert scale?

[YorkeYorke]

Sounds like we are in the same situation with that then! I'm sure lots of people are these days hence all the dating apps.

I'm not sure. I do really like being around people, more-so people I already know. I like being social but I am often tired/fatigued which makes it difficult to make plans. I don't like to make plans sometimes as I anticipate being tired and not feeling like it.

I'm not sure if I'm introverted or extroverted. I enjoy being around people often but generally asking questions, listening, doing activities etc.

Take care of yourself and in time I hope you form a new connection perhaps

[Owlie7]

That definitely sounds challenging making plans and thus new connections. I do hope you feel better.

Likewise! Thank you for chatting with me and offering your insight.

Wish you all the best Yorke