My male partner wants to be a female.

[OpalBay]

Hi all, I'm glad I found this forum. I was unsure if I should post anything, but I need help, sorry for the pronouns I'm still new to all this.

My boyfriend of 5 years came out to me a few days ago saying he wants to be a female. Says he hates himself and doesnt feel comfortable in this body. In the last 2 weeks, he's been trying dress ups, makeup and wigs, and went out in public once with a friend (who's bi) and said it was the best he's ever felt. Said he was just trying it out, but now wants to turn female.

I was a mess when he told me. I feel like my whole world and dreams for our future were lost, that I lost him and would never see the man I love again. He wants to do HRT but the thought of never hearing his voice the same, his figure, his smell, being able to have kids (can you still produce kids on HRT?) I feel like things wont be the same anymore. I'm probably being selfish/ shallow but I still want him and love him. I'm trying to understand and say to myself its the same person I fell in love with like his personality, values and morals, but I also feel like he's different.

I feel sick, I cant eat, I wake up in a panic and cry, I just dont know. I keep telling myself its the same person, but just a different gender. Being a different gender shouldnt even matter and I know that, its just that come from a very homophobic, strict family who drilled into me that it has to be a male/female to be right, I'm scared I will loose my family too.

I want my partner to feel happy because I've noticed him looking depressed, but I thought it was because our lives are so stressful atm, and now this happens and I feel crushed. We almost broke up the other night. In retrospect, I realised I kept trying to push him to stay the same gender for us, I even tried compromising saying he could do both...but he doesnt want to feel suppressed anymore or held back.

We are still together because the thought of loosing each other was more painful. He's been away for a few days, I've been left to my thoughts of loss, grief, anxiety... maybe some hope and excitment to try make this work but I just dont know. I've been talking to a close friend and it helps, also researching and reading others' experiences, but its just so hard. He still loves me with all his heart and still wants to do the things we always planned like travel, kids, marriage etc, says he will still try give me what I want but just as a female not a man. I always thought I'd be with a man... Please help me.

[HappyHelper88]

Hello OpalBay, Thank you for your post and Welcome,

Im glad you found the forum and posted
Im sorry to hear about what your going through I can imagine it must have been a shock to you and would take some time to process
Its hard to accept that the man you loved is not really there anymore he's kind or transformed like he is still there but he's different.

I definitely understand what you mean that things wont be the same anymore and they may not
He is still the same person you fell in love with but he may also be different.

Im so sorry your going through this 😞 coming from a family with traditional opinions can cause some conflict too I believe its up to you what you want to do whether you tell them or not but just take your time to think about it.

You tried your best to keep things the way they were but sometimes its not enough because the other person wants to change, a very difficult thing to watch but it is unfortunately out of your hands

Thats good that you are still together but its going to be a big adjustment to adapt to this
All you can do is try your best but if it isn't working then you cant force it

I also think it is really important you talk to someone about this as this is a big change for you

If you want to talk to someone in Genral you can call the Beyond Blue Support Service which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport 

Or I also think it would help to talk to Qlife on 1800 184 527, they provide support for people specifically around identity, gender and sexuality even though your partner is the one who may be experiencing this more then can also talk to you about it and provide some support Anonymously

I hope this helps 🙂

[Sophie_M]

Hi OpalBay,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing such a brave and honest post here today. This is a welcoming and supportive space, and I’m sure our community members will have lots of understanding for what you’re going through.

As HappyHelper has suggested, QLife are an amazing organisation. They offer anonymous, LGBTI peer support and referral for people wanting to talk about a range of issues including sexuality, identity, gender, bodies, feelings or relationships. They welcome contact from people who may not be LGBTI but who want to talk about someone else they care about. You can reach them on 1800 184 527 or via webchat, from 3pm-midnight each day (AEDT).

We'd also really recommend having a look through the QLife directory, where you'll find info, support, and peer support networks for family and friends of LGBTQIA+ people. For example, there's qheadspace, where anyone under 25 can discuss anything LGBTQIA+, and Black Rainbow, a national Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander LGBTIQ+ Sistergirl and Brotherboy organisations in the pursuit of positive health and wellbeing.

We can hear it’s a lot to take in, and you clearly have so much love and kindness for your partner. We hope you can be kind to yourself also as you process this. We welcome your call if at any point you’d like to talk things through.

Thanks again for sharing here. We hope the kind words, advice and understanding of people like HappyHelper bring you some comfort.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[YorkeYorke]

You sound like a very loving and caring partner. Naturally you've reacted with some shock to news that was unexpected after a long time together. Regardless, you sound like you've made efforts to understand your partner's point of view with compassion anyway.

Wishing you all the best through this period and what lies ahead

[Jo8049]

Hello Opal Bay , welcome and hugs .

The talk with BB or Qlife would be an excellent place to start for you both . There are many paths in front of you now . Good guidance is very important if you can get it . Seek it out till it feels right .

I am MTF there are many unexpected and unthought of things on the journey . Like your journey it is complex .

On iView " call me Cate " . " A Girl Like You ". There are quite a few but importantly a good councillor from in here to maybe explain and help you both .

Transition is huge and and those who do , have little choice when they get to that point ?

Hope this helps , much love to you both .

Jo❤️

[James is here]

Hi OpalBay,

I would recommend contacting OurPath (https://ourpath.org). OurPath is an organisation run by and for spouses of LGBT+ people. There is an Australian chapter to the group which is active in providing support. We are an LGBT+ affirming organisation, and our members are have many different paths, some stay together with their spouse, some separate. There's no one right way to do this, but our aim is to help you find the path that is right for you, and support you as you walk it.

If you fill in the support request form on the OurPath website, you will be connected with an Australian support contact, who will guide you through the resources on offer

[kashiic]

Hi OpalBay. The other posts here seem to be very helpful in terms of getting support, but not terribly high on reassurance. As a trans person, I just want to tell you that what you're going through is totally normal. It's grief, because in a way you've just "lost" the person you imagined your life with. Like all grief, you need to work through it so you can come to a place of acceptance and healing. There's nothing wrong with needing a bit of space or time to do that - it doesn't mean you have to break up right now! You're right that it's the same "personality, values and morals", but bodies are generally a part of attraction too. It's okay to feel unsure or worried about this. Give yourself some time (and use those resources!) but know that you will eventually need to either accept and adjust that your life is gonna be different, with a woman as your partner, or let this relationship go so you can both be happy in the long term. Most sincerely, good luck to you both.