Lost and confused.

[NJS_1]

Hey,

There's a guy at work who I've been having feelings for for a while now and before I met him I thought I was a lesbian, but I don't know anymore. I think it's compulsory heterosexuality. If he asked me out on a date I'd probably say no, but then I have these feelings. Is it comphet? Is it genuine? Others at work have noticed something, saying to me "there chemistry between you two" which makes me uncomfortable and feels awkward, and I'm even a little scared. I hate feeling this way. I even hate myself for feeling this way because I think of what people at work would say if I did date or kiss him and I sometimes think of what would he say if he knew. I feel ashamed for feeling this way. I have thought of telling him, but I don't want to make things weird especially since we work together sometimes, but I am quitting my job soon.

[HappyHelper88]

Hello NJS_1 Thankyou for your post and welcome,

Its a normal experience to have some confusion about this you definitely are not alone with this feeling
Perhaps it is a just a connection or attraction I have felt this towards people before with out wanting to go on a date with them, can even be fascination

I definitely understand those comments make you uncomfortable as you are not sure what it is your feeling yet.
Please don't hate yourself for feeling a certain way as it is not your fault
And don't let what others say or think influence how you are feeling, listen to what you are feeling.

In terms of telling him it is always tricky to have this kind of situation with someone at work as if things don't turn out it can be awkward seeing each other often but if you do end up quitting I think its definitely better to tell him once you have quit to avoid this

I hope this helps and all the best.
If you want to talk this through with us the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636

[sbella02]

Hey NJS_1,

Thank you for being so open about your experience.

It's totally normal to develop these kinds of feelings, or even to be confused about what it is that you're feeling exactly. It may be comphet, but there's a chance that they could also be genuine feelings of attraction.

I would highly recommend you look into the different types of attraction, as there are so many and you may find one type that describes your experience perfectly. For example, there's romantic attraction, sexual attraction, platonic attraction etc. You may find one specific type of attraction that accurately represents your experience, or you may even find multiple that you identify with.

I would also encourage you to seek out forums on Reddit to help you identify and delve deeper into your feelings and what they mean, as you will find so many people who are also struggling with similar situations. If you do a bit of background research into attraction first, this may help you to narrow down your searches.

Here are some important questions for you to ask yourself:

What are your boundaries with this person? You said that you would decline their request for a date, are there other steps that you would be willing to take with them? With regards to your needs, do you feel as if they could be met if you were closer friends, or would your needs be satisfied more if you were to pursue a relationship with this person? Ignore what society has told you about what you should be feeling, rather focus on what you actually are feeling.

You could also (if you feel comfortable) talk to him about how you're feeling, and understand how he feels about you. Sometimes it can help to know where the other person stands in terms of wanting either a closer friendship or some type of relationship.

It's also normal for your sexuality to change and be fluid, so you don't have to feel pressured to put any kind of label on it. I know how it can potentially be scary to think about telling people if you feel like your sexuality has changed, but just know that you don't have to give it a label. Also, don't let your previous labels hold you back from feeling how you're feeling. If you have been identifying as a lesbian, don't feel like you need to repress your newfound feelings because of this.

I hope this helps, and I hope I've given you some reassurance in your situation.

Best of luck, and please continue to chat with us on the forums if you'd like!

SB