Non-binary and tired, looking for positivity

[Clues_Of_Blue]

For a little background, I only fairly recently discovered the right language to describe my gender identity (I'm in my 40s - better late than never). More recently still (in the last year), I came out as non-binary. It's been quite a journey already. My husband is wonderfully supportive, as are our friends. Family, not so much - I had one spewing the standard anti-trans/non-binary hate speech I'm sure we've all come across online at some point. I do not speak to him any more.

Generally speaking, I love being non-binary. It feels freeing to have a word for it, to have pronouns that actually feel right (they/them in my case), and to play with my style in a way that feels more honest. What doesn't feel so great is that using my right pronouns is basically a game of coming out all over again on a regular basis to anyone I meet, not knowing how people will react, sometimes being treated like a curiosity and asked really inappropriate, invasive questions by strangers. Also not really knowing anyone else who is non-binary/trans, having someone to talk to who knows what it's like to feel like someone ticked the wrong box on the assigned gender. Lastly, it's such a struggle to find positive spaces online for my demographic. Being as I'm a full-time carer who can't get out much, and the people I do see are all cis, it makes sense I'd look online for people like me. I've found a small number of social media pages and content creators that are fairly positive, but inevitably they have to address things like "transvestigators" outing their dead names, and/or throngs of transphobic people stalking thier pages to fill them up with hate speech. It's really nasty, and it all makes me so tired and sad. To be fair, I haven't experienced a lot of this in person, but being so isolated does mean that's most of what I'm exposed to, and it's still really disheartening.

I guess I'm here looking for things like fellow non-binary/trans people to share life experiences with, recommendations for safe spaces online, maybe some tales of gender euphoria or positive interactions, cute things allies have done that made you feel good, all that sort of stuff. Something to make the world feel a bit less lonely and tiring for an enby who'd like to see a bit more of the joy side of gender-nonconformity.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Clues_Of_Blue,

Thank you for your post. Congratulations on finding the language that feels right for your gender identity and on coming out to those around you. That’s a huge and brave step.

While it’s wonderful to hear that some people have responded with support, it’s really disheartening to know you’ve also faced negativity. You deserve kindness, respect, and affirmation, always.

Seeking out positive and uplifting communities is such a powerful and healthy choice. You absolutely deserve spaces where you can celebrate yourself and share joyful moments. We’re sure the community will see your post soon and offer their own insights and support. In the meantime, feel free to explore other threads that interest you. You’re definitely not alone in wanting more celebration and joy, especially in the face of the very real challenges the LGBTQIA+ community continues to face.

Thank you again for sharing. Our community is always here for you.

Kind regards,
Sophie M

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hi Sophie,

Thanks. 🙂

I expected some mixed responses, and honestly a greater percentage than expected have been positive. Pity the negativity came predominantly from family, though.

You're right, I'm gonna hold onto that thought. I think we all deserve to be ourselves and share joy in our identities, LGBT, cis or anything else! It's certainly a challenging time to be non-binary/trans, especially, with even elements of the LGBT community turning on us, but there is positivity to be had. I hope to share my own experiences and hear from others about their own gender euphoric moments.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[sbella02]

Oh Blue, I'm so happy for you. I've been a follower of your "Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day" thread for a while, and I'm also queer with an interest in the space of mental health for queer and gender-diverse people, and to see that you've found comfort in this identity is heartwarming. I wish you all the best with your next steps on your coming out journey.

If you're seeking spaces online to find people with similar experiences and identities, Reddit and Discord can be good places to start. Facebook may have some local discussion groups for you to join to virtually meet people, or even meet people in person, depending on the group. I know there are also some threads on here where other people on the gender diverse spectrum have posted their experiences, so hopefully you can find some comfort in reading a few of them. 

😊

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey SB,

Thanks for the kind words. I think we've mostly interacted on the self care thread, possibly touching on queerness at some point. Nice to know you've been following my personal thread, I hope there's something helpful in it for you. 🙂 Being queer definitely comes with some unique social and mental health challenges, I think it's so important to have resources around that, including positive online content and community.

I'm pretty much fully out at this point, to anyone that matters. For the most part it has been a positive experience, minus elements of my family that I honestly would have been better off without, with or without this one last straw. I couldn't believe how much better I felt in myself in so many unexpected ways, once I worked out that I am non-binary, and started to tell my friends. It was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, I feel so much more comfortable in my own skin. Has understanding your queerness been like that for you? Would you like to talk about your journey at all?

I've touched on a few Reddit threads, hadn't considered Discord as a place to look - I'll look into that. There is a local queer group on Facebook that do in-person meet-ups, though sadly my role as a carer (along with pretty bad autistic burnout) has made it impossible to attend anything thus far. 😞 I've found Tumblr a good place for queer (and autistic/ADHD) folks, and have made a trans friend on there, on the other side of the world, so it's not all doom and gloom. On YouTube I follow Jammidodger (a trans guy) and Iris Olympia (non-binary), who have some good and wholesome content, though of course they have the inevitable little tribe of transphobes following them around to misgender them and just be awful. They seem to have less of it than a lot of other queer channels and social media spaces, though, so I'm thankful for that. I continue to keep one eye on the threads in this section, have noticed a few long-term forum members popping up as allies, which is quite heartening to see.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[sbella02]

Yes, the self-care thread! I liked that one a lot, it was very positive.

"I'm pretty much fully out at this point, to anyone that matters."

I both like and relate to this line.

I agree, I feel that when I disclose my queerness to people who I want to know, it is like a weight that lifts off the shoulders. When I first meet somebody, I never quite know how they'll react. Particularly with so much biphobia both within and outside of the community, I do worry that it will affect how people perceive me. It has helped for me having LGBTQIA+ friends, and being in spaces that are either queer friendly or specifically designed for queer people to hang out and meet each other. It's a really lovely feeling when you're understood and accepted by those around you.

I think I had quite an uneventful coming out journey. I realised that I was bisexual in my mid to late teens, and actually "came out" when I was about 17-18, if I remember correctly. I was already out to a few friends before I told my family, but for the most part, people were very accepting, which was really good and I understand that that is a privilege. I'm grateful that I've never had any particularly negative reaction, but I don't think I've ever come out to anybody who I thought would have a strong homophobic reaction. Not that I remember, anyway. 

That's really good that you've found an online friend on Tumblr, and also that you're finding LGBTQIA+ influencers and media personalities with relatively positive fanbases. That also made a big difference for me when I was first coming out, seeing others who had done it before me and were so open and comfortable with their identities.

Lovely to hear from you! I love hearing other LGBTQIA+ stories, it's always so heartwarming connecting with other community members.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey SB,

Maybe that thread needs reviving, it's very positive and I think helpful to a lot of people.

Thanks. There are limits to how necessary/practical it is to run around telling everyone, but it's important to be able to be open with close people and be able to dress like and be who you are just generally, whether or not people perceive or care about your identity.

I hear you about not knowing how people will react. There's definitely a lot of bi- and pan-phobia going around, along with transphobia, and even hate for asexual/aromantic people. It's so bizarre to me that people take the identities and sexuality of others so personally. How exactly does it affect them, beyond remembering a pronoun, or maybe knowing they won't get a date from someone who isn't into their gender? Anyway, with all that going on, it really is such a huge weight off to be able to disclose. Even when the reaction is bad, it's kinda good to get it out of the way, and to know who will not be getting/keeping a place in your life. I'm glad you have queer friends and queer spaces to hang out. I wish I had more of that, but having so recently worked out my gender, I think of myself as a baby queer, so I'm still finding those things.

I'm honestly glad your coming out journey went as smoothly as it did. I've found all too many LGBTQIA+ people have stories like mine, of having to end relationships because of the various phobias. I knew my brother wasn't going to be great about it, but I wanted to give him the chance to be reasonable since we had been close, once. He went over and above my expectations of how badly he would behave, so I walked away from him. I did say that if Mum was willing to accept me as I am she was welcome to contact me. That was 8 months ago - as expected, the crickets are still chirping. Only my sister has been good about it - she doesn't quite understand, but she's trying to learn and that counts. So yeah, hearing that someone came out and had a better experience than the usual... a rare pleasure.

Thanks. It really helps to talk to someone who has had a similar journey, and to see people like us in media and out in the world. Makes you feel more like a person, I guess. I don't mind being unusual, in fact I quite like it, but having even a few people in the world to relate to makes a difference.

Thanks for sharing a bit of your story, too. It really is heartwarming to connect. 🙂

Kind thoughts,

Blue.