Sharing my feelings when your world comes crashing down around you.

[JamesCarer]

I guess it dawned on me today that I've lost everything. Pretty close to everything and in the space of a few months. I lost my mother, I lost my job, I lost my house, i lost 2 brothers and I lost my father. My mother passed away under palliative care nextcto me at home as I was her carer for 15 years. The other family members, well, it's safe to say they aren'tand never were family. It's quite a lot for one person to come to terms with. Could it be worse? Definitely. Does it need to be? No, no it doesn't.

I've never felt so isolated and alone in my life. I speak of my experience only, but the way I was born has denied me (or at least set me up to be more easily denied) a family, someone who can be a pillar for me and maybe a few kids who would remind me of love and trust. I don't have those. At 45, I fear that I probably won't. I can hear all the optomists looking for their rose-tinted glasses case, getting ready to tell me that I'm still young. The exceptions aren't the norm and I'll gladly be an exception, but at 45 I feel like most opportunities for me have come and gone. 

Whether I was still dealing with the trauma of believing I was born wrong and sick, or whether the other was still dealing with their trauma, whether I was adraid, immature, selfish or arrogant or the other was all that, the outcome is that at my age, I'm alone. 

Then, a more scary truth dawned on me. There's a real chance that's growing every day that I will die a lonely old man - or a lonely older man if life decides to treat me better and take me out earlier. It keeps me up at night and I have read so many other peoples' messages online that I know I'm not alone. 

So where does that leave me. I don't know to be honest. I take each day as it comes but days like today, I feel weaker, drained, sadder, more breathless and just standing up is exhausting. There's a hole in my stomach and a pain in my heart that keeps returning and reminding me that it's not over. Will it ever be? I don't know at this very moment. Perhaps, tomorrow I will have a clearer answer. Perhaps not.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

It's a sad time for you so I hope the sun rises brighter soon.

3 years ago we had 9 deaths in our family most by cancer. That was tough. But I can also see positives in my life like my wife of 13 years is step mother to my daughter 35yo. My wife has never had children so to be called "mum" and be phoned every second day is a treat she always dreamed about. My MIL died amongst the 9, and she had a foster son now 22yo. We took over that duty and see him for 4-5 days every 2 months.

So I mention these things because there could be possibilities to make decisions that will impact your life in a most positive way. Many single women have children now, why not yourself? 

I dont want to list the possibilities as you are old enough to know what you can and cant do. And I wont say your young enough either lol. But I will say that a good percentage of souls like yourself dont have a passion. A passion being a hobby that they simply cant wait to delve into every day or weekend. For many years I had model airplanes and my last relationship when we had issues we went to a counsellor. My partner complained that I was always building planes to which the counsellor said to her "So do you have a passion"? "Err no" was my partners answer and therein lies the issue. Whereas my wife now of 13 years loves crocheting and singing groups.... works much better.

The problem with a passion is that it usually begins in childhood. You cant normally dream up a desire and make it a passion. You might like golf but unless you are doing it every day it isnt a passion its a casual sport.

So I dont have any real answers, I hope I've opened up your thoughts a little to some possibilities. 

What do you think?

TonyWK 

[Damian]

Hi James

Your last sentence that perhaps tomorrow you will have a clearer answer shows your strength, or rather one of your strengths. I don't know what your other strengths are, but we all have them, even if we don't see or recognise them.

As for the way you were born, well, you were just born you and deserve to be accepted. Too many times we give others the benefit of the doubt and believe what they say about us. Have you spoken to someone about this, face-to-face? I'm trying not to offer any "advice", but speaking to a professional (who has no preconceptions about you, your family or your background) might give you the opportunity to work through the trauma. I hope that doesn't sound patronising in any way. Speaking from my own experience which may or may not relate to you.

[white knight]

Great reply Damian. 

TonyWK