My husband now thinks he wants to be a female.

[Miilo]

Hi everyone.

I found this forum yesterday and I would like to get some advice for my situation.

I've been married for 10 years and two young children, living happily before my husband started taking counselling due to his growing up background. I haven't expected anything with his counselling but one day he came to me he found out he has some gender identity issue. He then referred to hormone specialist and having a couple of appointments so far.

One day, he came home with some tablets the doctor gave him which contain female hormone in them. The one is acne remedies and the other one is estrogen. When I talked to him what he would like to be in the future, but he keeps saying he is not sure, but as soon as I saw the tablet, I thought he want to be a female. I was shocked.

He also found that he has Asperger syndrome around same time he found issue with gender identity, so after I was told I started depression and sleepless night from then. I had some phone counselling for myself because this is going to be a big challenge for both of us, and I need to make sure about my children too.

My counselor told me I can't make any decision for him, so all I can do is relax and live a daily life for now which was make sense. I want to respect his decision but at the same time, I sometimes think if I should leave him. The reason I think that way is this situation is definitely not I was expected and it's kind of sad I can't have romantic relationship with loving husband anymore. It seems like it's all ended. (I'm mid thirty anyway.)

I find sometimes difficult to communicate with him but he is gentle and nice person. It looks like my daily life filled with happiness is collapsed and now I'm in the darkness ALONE with a big secret I have to keep inside of me.

These days, I noticed he started shaving his body and I found an epilator in his room. Yes, he is moving forward without letting me know. I have no courage to talk about this topic right now because I am afraid to find out more things which will make me a shock again. I don't want to tell this to my parents, friends or children just yet because I am not ready to talk.

Because of this COVID situation, my children are staying home everyday even when I feel like to be alone thinking about these things but they never allow me to do so. I want to be a good mother smiling in the house but these days, it's just hard and feeling down.

Anyways, I would like someone to connect in the same boat if it's possible.

Thanks.

[Guest_49206460]

My husband has told me he wishes to transition. We have been together for 17 year but I have known him for 20 years.

He hasn't spoken to anyone yet about how he is feeling!

First, he came put bi but wasn't sure on men, he finds transgender women attractive. Then he went to wanting to sleep with a man too see but I couldn't to him basically having a affair. By this point I went to my doctor and had a mental health plan done for myself as I was starting to struggle.

He also then said he liked to cross dress and would like to purchase clothing to do so, I believe he had been putting my dresses on when I was not home. This has now lead him to want to transition so he can be free tobe who I assume who he is inside. 

I have expressed to him that I have no attraction to being with a women and I could support him as a friend but not his wife if he wants to go down this path. 

He has stated that he doesn't want to loss me but is struggling because he wants too do this. It is definitely taking its toll on both of us amd he has finally aggred to see someone for help.

I feel more like a safety blanket for him and I am struggling to work out if I should stay of leave so he can be happy! We have two teenage boys who I worry would reject him and no his family would reject him also.

It's had as his wife and losing the man I feel in love with to this.

[Lassie2]

This sounds devastating. I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. Seeking mental health assistance is so important. 

Please be reassured that there is light at the end of the tunnel. You will feel grief and maybe some anger/resentment at the situation, give yourself space to feel what you need to feel. You matter in this too.

I do hope that your children will find a way to understand one day. I hope they can get the support they need as well to work through this.  

In my experience, I found that educating myself about gender diversity was one of the best ways I was able to support my spouse, despite my grief, through education I could somewhat empathise with the fact that this is not a choice they have made. It's how they've always been, but they had to suppress and hide that part of themselves due to societal/religious pressures and fear of rejection and isolation. 

Over the last 3 years our romantic relationship has waned and we made it somewhat official earlier this year that we are not a romantic couple anymore. 

We are living as housemates now but still absolutely best friends who love and support one another. It has been a long road but I can now be one of her biggest cheerleaders.

I pray that you find new strength each day as you work through these changes.