My husband now thinks he wants to be a female.

[Miilo]

Hi everyone.

I found this forum yesterday and I would like to get some advice for my situation.

I've been married for 10 years and two young children, living happily before my husband started taking counselling due to his growing up background. I haven't expected anything with his counselling but one day he came to me he found out he has some gender identity issue. He then referred to hormone specialist and having a couple of appointments so far.

One day, he came home with some tablets the doctor gave him which contain female hormone in them. The one is acne remedies and the other one is estrogen. When I talked to him what he would like to be in the future, but he keeps saying he is not sure, but as soon as I saw the tablet, I thought he want to be a female. I was shocked.

He also found that he has Asperger syndrome around same time he found issue with gender identity, so after I was told I started depression and sleepless night from then. I had some phone counselling for myself because this is going to be a big challenge for both of us, and I need to make sure about my children too.

My counselor told me I can't make any decision for him, so all I can do is relax and live a daily life for now which was make sense. I want to respect his decision but at the same time, I sometimes think if I should leave him. The reason I think that way is this situation is definitely not I was expected and it's kind of sad I can't have romantic relationship with loving husband anymore. It seems like it's all ended. (I'm mid thirty anyway.)

I find sometimes difficult to communicate with him but he is gentle and nice person. It looks like my daily life filled with happiness is collapsed and now I'm in the darkness ALONE with a big secret I have to keep inside of me.

These days, I noticed he started shaving his body and I found an epilator in his room. Yes, he is moving forward without letting me know. I have no courage to talk about this topic right now because I am afraid to find out more things which will make me a shock again. I don't want to tell this to my parents, friends or children just yet because I am not ready to talk.

Because of this COVID situation, my children are staying home everyday even when I feel like to be alone thinking about these things but they never allow me to do so. I want to be a good mother smiling in the house but these days, it's just hard and feeling down.

Anyways, I would like someone to connect in the same boat if it's possible.

Thanks.

[Lillylane]

Hi Lassie2,

Welcome to the forums! So glad you posted and thank you for sharing your situation.

I can definitely understand the difficult questions around the future and family. Part of my challenge is accepting that our future doesn’t look anything like I thought, or planned for.

I find it hard to think ‘outside the box’ sometimes so talking to other people helps me get my feelings out, and maybe think of things I hadn’t considered before.

Thank you again, I hope the psychologist is helpful in the journey forward. I understand this isn’t easy and there’s ‘ups’ and ‘downs’ along the way.

Thanks to all on this thread for a supportive place to share xx

LL

[Learn to Fly]

Hello Everyone,

I have just finished reading the entire thread. You have All been through so much and I can only say that I take my hat to you All and commend you for your incredible strength, patience and willingness to try to make some sort of sense for all parties included. Whatever is your part in the scenario, you are All doing an amazing job.

[James is here]

Hi Miilo,

I know this is an old post, but there is a support group in Australia that I am part of that has many partners and ex partners of trans gendered people. The organisation is called OurPath:

https://ourpath.org

OurPath is an LGBTI affirming organisation that has been helping straight spouses and partners of trans people navigate the challenges of having a gay or trans partner since 1986. If you fill out the contact form there, you will be connected with the Australian contingent of the organisation, where you will be able to get support from fellow Australians who are going through the same thing as you are going through.

All the best.

[Lillylane]

Hi James is here

Thank you so much for information on the support group! it’s much appreciated!

Thank you Learn to Fly too for your kinds words of support.

Hope all here are doing ok.

One day my partner and I are getting extremely irritated with each other and I don’t know how we are going to manage this all. Next day we have a laugh like old friends and seem to soften a bit.

Confusing times. But hoping we can each heal and move forward.

Best wishes,

LL

[He1p1e55]

Hi Miilo I would love to connect with you I am in exactly the same situation but my husband is in denial about what he really wants he has ocd and has been this way since he was very young although I only found out a couple of years ago and we have been together 13 years married for 8. I am finding it hard to keep this facade of a happy marriage going but he won't just back off and just be friends. Any advice on where you have gone with All of this would be so helpful

[Learn to Fly]

Hello He1p1e55 and All,

A very warm welcome to the forum and thank you for reaching out.

I hope you don’t mind me asking you All: have you tried seeing a counsellor as a couple as well as individuals? This is such a complex issue, so many aspects to discuss, discover, come to terms with, accept or not, etc And it’s so important to acknowledge both parties and what both partners are going through. Your posts are the best example of how confused, hurt and lost you might feel.
I am also asking because sometimes even if the subject is openly and calmly discussed among a couple a counsellor might help both partners in opening and discussing things that might otherwise stay hidden and obstructing the process of trying to work the things out.
Again, thank you for your post. Here to chat.

[Mk2692]

Hi Miilo,

Thank you for reaching out here and I'm sorry you are going through a really challenging time. It sounds like you have been put in a really difficult situation and you don't know how to approach it. It must be difficult being with someone for quite some time then realising that things have changed. It's good that you are seeing a counsellor to help you through the emotions that you are feeling during this challenging time. I think you need some time to process all what has happened and when you are ready i think you will be able to make a decision and eventually tell everyone about it. You are doing a great job being there for him and also for your children, but don't be too hard on yourself, no one is perfect and it's ok to be upset about the situation. Lockdowns will end very soon and you will have more time on your hands to think about all these changes and maybe you will find peace soon.

[anon-321]

hi Millo

i realise this post was 3 years ago but I now find myself in this same boat at 7 months pregnant.

how did your story turn out? 

[emmette]

anon-321 - I’m in the same boat too and keen to hear how everyone ended up.

My husband has always been on the slim, more feminine, side. Since we’ve been married (it’s been 6 years now) he’s progressively become more comfortable in himself as a person, which has also come with him wearing increasingly feminine clothes (think very skinny jeans and fitted tops, women’s active wear) and growing his hair long. He is frequently mistaken for a woman when we go out. Even before he said anything, I have  been worried about whether I still find him attractive. But it’s now apparent that trying to live as a male is making him absolutely miserable, so we’ve agreed he needs to work out who his authentic self is (be that a very femme non-binary or female). He wants to stick with he/him pronouns for now. I helped him put on makeup and he looked so happy it broke my heart that he’s been denied it for so long. I want to do everything I can so he can be his true self. He is my favourite person in the world. If there was a switch I could flick to make myself attracted to him as he takes things further I would. But I am barely coping with it now. But because he’s not said he wants to fully transition, there’s no clear answer. We’re just in this liminal space and it’s driving me mad. I’m 33 and I want kids. I don’t want to rush him but I don’t know what to do either.

[Lassie2]

Hi Emmette, I posted on this thread a few years ago (back in 2021), and came back to it tonight while feeling reflective. 

I can totally empathise on the desire to have kids. I was 34 back then. We started IVF in 2022 after my partner (MtF) had realised they were trans (they were still my husband but exploring their gender at the time. The end point of their gender journey was unclear at that stage - they were still figuring it out).

Fast forward 3 years.... We are still married, but a lot has changed. IVF was successful in that we ended up with 8 embryos but there have been several obstacles that have prevented me from moving forward with an embryo transfer. The main thing that's stopped me, sadly, is that I'm not in love with my spouse anymore. I love them deeply, but not in a romantic way. They began hormone therapy over 12 months ago. The journey has lead to her presenting female all of the time, with female pronouns and a new legal name.

I am so happy for her to be her authentic self. But my world is nothing that I ever expected. We are in this weird limbo. We live, and in many ways behave, like a married couple (she's still my person), but as I mentioned, I'm not in love anymore. I'm just living with my best friend that I share a dog with. So now I'm almost 37, no husband, no kids. Just a bestie and a dog. I feel resentful that I don't have the life and the family that I imagined when we got married back in 2014. I still regularly feel grief over the loss of my husband. I see glimpses of him in her. But the masculine man that I was physically attracted to and fell in love with isn't really there anymore. Their soul remains the same, but despite my best efforts, I can't force a romantic attraction to someone that presents as female and has adopted feminine traits.

It could be a lot worse and I am grateful everyday that I have her in my life. I'm just not sure how sustainable our current path is when I am still grieving the loss of the children I never had, and missing the man I married... but who I still live with and see everyday, in a woman's body/persona.

I'm not sure what I thought I would achieve by sharing my story... Maybe I regret not leaving sooner and my story is a warning of missed opportunity. Perhaps I could have found a new partner by now and could have started a family with them already.

On the other hand. Despite everything, I can't envision my life with anyone else. It's a weird place to find myself. I'll make another post in a few more years with an update again. Who knows where I'll be then.