my fiance is gay - or is he?

[DD72]

I feel like I'm going crazy and I don't know what to do. I have been with this man for 10 years and love him with my whole heart. But some six months after proposing to me, he came to me and told me he was gay. I was inconsolable and sobbed and sobbed, the next morning (it can take me a while for bad news to really sink in). He came and held me, and said he loved me and didn't want to leave. Then he said he wasn't really gay, that he was only bisexual - which I thought he was, already. 

Fast forward a few months, and things aren't good. I thought we were making it work, but despite maintaining a pretty hot sex life, there has been tension between us. And lots and lots of arguments. I swear I don't start them all, at least not deliberately. Sometimes, all it takes is the wrong look that I give him, or I try to hug him and he pushes me away. He has also been taking more and more time to spend away from me with his gay friends. Always for 4 days at a stretch. He works as a FIFO worker, so he's usually gone from home half the time anyway. Now, it is worse. I've never been a clingy person, I'm an introvert with my own interests, but I miss him so much. 

This last weekend, after a tense week, he again insisted on spending 4 days away with his gay friends and a lover whom he loves (he admitted this). For the first 3 days he didn't call me, he just texted. I don't understand that, it is very hurtful. After mulling things over, realizing that I'm constantly suffering hurt, and realizing how much I hated him being away again, I decided I must end things. But telling him proved difficult. He got defensive, angry, tried to blame me for many things. What's worse, I now feel like I am making a mistake. I shouldn't feel like that. The way he has been talking to me and acting around me, is simply not the way one acts toward the person they profess to love. I can't continue living like that, and I know it. Nothing else really matters. So, why do I keep doubting myself? 

[Croix]

Dear New Member~

Welcome to the Forum. I hate to think how you are feeling at the moment, your exactly right to feel things are very wrong.

I believe a partner stays with a person becuse they love them, want to look after them and enjoy their company. You have to feel they love you and have your back, as you do theirs.

FIFO is hard at the best of times, it is all the long gaps in the relationship. People can make it work, but they both have to want to. I'm afraid in this case he wants to spend a considerable amount of the remaining time with his friends, and admits he has a lover too.

I hate to be blunt however it does not sound as if you are the most important thing in his life, even though he is in yours. It is easy to doubt yourself if he is expert in pushing your buttons to raise doubts and re-writing history by saying tihngs are your fault. Add to that you would be only human if you did not you want the relationship  to return to how it used to be and it is only natural to wonder if separation is the right tihng.

Still do you think you can go on being second best for any length of time, just someone who may be more of a convenience than a partner?

May I ask if you are facing this all alone, or do you have support in your life? A family member or friend perhaps that you can talk with and feel cared for?

If you are thinking of separating (I'm not pushing you) then depending on finances, jobs children and other matters is can be quite complicated. May I suggest before you take any action you get some expert help. 1800RESPECT deals with relationships where one partner ill-treats the other. They are sensible and can offer advice and information. There does not have to be violence involved for there to be abuse.

If you prefer you could contact our 24/7 help right now and see what they suggest.

I hope if you would like you come back and talk some more, you are not alone.

Croix

[DD72]

Thanks Croix, for your honest reply and assessment. It tallies with my assessment to a "T". This is why I did decide to break up, and was merely waiting for the right moment. I then ended up more or less telling him this is what's happening, to which he reacted in his usual fashion - by becoming defensive, twisting things around to shift the blame on me, etc. I called him out on each of his attempts to blame me, and I also called him out on all of his bad behaviour in recent times. The sweet messages he sent me in the past few days, no longer mean so much to me, because of the very clear pattern of behaviour that has been established. And this is also something I told him. How he only seems genuinely happy while away from me, which is when a lot of his promises happen (we will do this, we will go away together, etc). But when he comes home, pretty soon he seems very unhappy to be here, and can't wait to leave. 

So, I said, I didn't even feel like I was the one breaking up with him. I didn't feel I had any choice in the matter. I just was calling a spade, a spade. Then the conversation shifted to finances, with him once again claiming he'd be homeless (despite his huge income). He also took the opportunity to criticise me for owning horses and 'squandering' money on their feed, leaving me insufficient funds for my operation. We were talking about hundreds of dollars, not thousands. He has never begrudged me spending on the horses in the past, so to complain about the surgery was out of character, as well as totally out of line. I stood firm in my admonishment of his behaviour last week, and reminded him that he jetted off without so much as an apology. He could easily have stayed home for one measly day (as he is supposed to, when someone's been under general anaesthetic) but he wasn't willing to take any more time out of his weekend. This all painted a crystal clear picture in my mind, so I spent Saturday talking to counselling (I actually called 1800RESPECT and that lady was wonderful), telling my family, and some of my friends. I don't have anyone very close that could come be with me, because of where our property is located, and this is something that has to change asap. I will need help paying for the increased mortgage, anyway, when he leaves. And I'm pretty sure he will leave, in time, by choice. I can see how guilty he feels when he's around me and I am sad, which is often. How he doesn't like me coming up to give him a hug and a kiss - whereas for me, it is just normal and a way to say "I love you" throughout the day.

I've told him that he is welcome to stay and that I'll help him buy his own place first. Also, that I want us to sign an agreement about the division of assets in a separation, to remove that headache. He agreed with all that, but he kept repeating "so you're not going to screw me over?" I find that very hurtful and sad. I've never been the type to screw anyone over, in a break up. On the contrary, I've lost money that was rightfully mine, because I didn't wish to argue about it in court. This is still the case today, though I now have a law degree and some practice under my belt (but I don't practice anymore, it was such an ugly industry to be in). 

I guess what really upset me today was him not fighting to keep me as his number 1. I think his gay lover has been influencing him and/or he is in love with that man. But as much as this hurts, it is so much better to know the truth than to be constantly fed the lie, while the actions didn't support it. Who wants to feel like their love isn't being reciprocated? Not me! Nor do I wish to cause him misery by constantly demanding his affection and time, when it simply isn't going to be forthcoming. Sadly, he did accuse me of trying to use reverse psychology on him today (among the other accusations), but nothing could be further from the truth. I'm aware of the enormous hurt I've been carrying around and that I need to heal from. I have zero chance of being happy again, until I find the right person for me. I thought he could be that person, even with being so strongly gay-leaning.... he isn't the jealous type and I've seriously considered some kind of polyamorous arrangement. BUT I don't feel so sure that I could find the right person for this, at all. I feel that the kind of man I want - if I want one, at all - will probably be straight and monogamous... 

[Croix]

Dear DD72~

Thanks for the frank reply, I guess that you have a realistic view of the situation, which I'm afraid dos not hold much hope of things being as they once were. Splitting up is difficult and there can often be a strong tendency to 'look after' the ex-partner, mainly inspired out of the feelings you still have.

While I'd not suggesting you be anything but fair I would suggest you do not lean over too far and do consider your own future welfare as the most important thing. He does not value it, in fact is just worried about himself, so you have to.

I can understand you having a thought about a polyamory relationship, it might seem like a way of holding on to things (which you may have lost already) however by definition this involves three -or more- people. You have to consider his relationship with you, his relationship with the third party - but also importantly the relationship and regard -or lack of it - by the third party to you. Additionally how do you stop yourself from feeling left out when they are seemingly more engaged together than he with you? I'll not even touch on finances and household matters.

I have the feeling that you may be right in that the future type of person you are contemplating might be a better fit for you after such an unpleasant relationship. I'm glad you are allowing there may be another relationship some time in the future.

You are going always to be welcome here

Croix

[DD72]

Thank you again, for your kind words and thoughts.

I am aware that no relationship can work - polyamorous or otherwise - without love.

And I've just not been feeling the love from him, of late. To the point that those who know us both, have asked me if I knew of someone that could be "egging him on"? I don't know of such a person, not for a fact, and I prefer to deal in facts. So, I'm sticking with what I know, which is simply that my previously loving, caring and supportive partner has pulled away from me, and become increasingly demanding regarding our sexual intimacy (all must be on his terms), the things we do together (it must be what he likes), and the finances (he shouldn't pay for my surgery, being the latest example). 

A couple of days ago, we spoke on the phone - he is away right now, till late next week - and I called him out on his behaviour, which I said was simply unacceptable. I suggested that he apologise to me, which he refused. He tried blame shifting and all manner of things, when I said I was going to break up with him. I shot them all down, and said, "If you really have been unhappy for 10 years, you could've left me, instead of proposing marriage!"

He piped down eventually, asked me repeatedly if I was going to screw him over financially, and was happy when I reassured him this isn't what I want. But the problem is, I don't envisage any changes for the better, while he remains fixated in all of these false beliefs. He clearly no longer sees me as the person he loves, the woman he asked to marry him, or as he used to say, his "ride or die". Nope, now I'm just the "ice queen", I guess because I worked so hard to talk to him calmly, without raising my voice or crying. I cry in private now, so he can't see. Meanwhile, he remains blissfully oblivious to the reality of the situation, despite me going to great lengths to communicate. So, no, I don't have high hopes. Just maybe a little tiny hope remains...

At this point, I can't lose any bigger than I've lost already. Without him showing some real loving behaviour, there isn't really anything to save.