My crush potentially suppressing his feelings for me

[7584883]

I’m a guy in high school and I’d like to get some advice about a crush that i have had for a long time now.

For months now he’s been approaching me in school for the most random reasons. In the early days of knowing him he asked me if I was gay, and I was really uncomfortable cause it was so unexpected and I was only out to one of my friends, but I came out to him cause I didn’t want to lie, and then it was really awkward cause I didn’t understand why he asked. He’s completely unaware of it but since he asked me if I was gay I’ve been able to come out to many people through him because he sometimes asks about being gay or jokingly mentions something about me being gay in front of people, so he feels really important to me in that sense.

I’ve grown a crush for him, but I’m really uncertain about how he feels about me. I think he might be bisexual and maybe not completely aware of his feelings towards me. Like many people have told me that he has a “weird obsession” with me cause he always forces conversations out of with me, which I think could be him crushing on me? but I fear that he’s using his religion to suppress those feelings. He comes from a very religious family so they could definitely be against the idea of homosexuality and so he’d have bad internalised homophobia. And he has said some off putting things to me that kinda showed internalised homophobia but he apologised after and it seemed like he really cared about how he made me feel? I also feel really pressured to present myself as someone good enough to come out for, but then I hear girls are talking with him and I get really depressed about it cause i feel hopeless. And because of this crush, I’ve been reflecting a lot on the many times that I’ve been bullied for being gay, and i think the bullying I’ve experienced has influenced the way I act with him, which may make it harder for him to read me well?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Thankyou for being brave enough to write in even though this is an anonymous site.

This first thing that I noticed is your tendency to read what others are thinking or feeling which can be kind of problematic in that your forecasting can often be incorrect. Eg "....but I fear that he’s using his religion to suppress those feelings". And "they could definitely be against the idea of homosexuality..."  and "....but then I hear girls are talking with him and I get really depressed about it cause i feel hopeless" and " I think he might be bisexual".  I understand fully why you pre-empt these conclusions in your mind because you havent got enough information to conclude things. But all these assumptions will not assist you with any anxiety you have about these situations. That is why people generally eliminate assumptions by going directly to the source privately to clarify what you need to know. This can be difficult for many people especially younger ones because it takes practice however there is a big positive because when they answer your questions you get much relief and sometimes surprise with their answers.  Eg ask him "I've been wondering, as you get along very well with females would you say you were bisexual"?  Notice how it is a question?  He might say "No I'm not I just like their company". There is the clarification.

Over time this process becomes easier but you have to be as tactful as you can, be gentle because some questions could be sensitive to some. Use tactful phrases like "I'm sorry, please dont take offence but as we are close friends can I ask you to define your sexuality for me... I'm just interested and dont want secondhand information that could be wrong..." Humans grow better when they have long and deep conversations besides, you might have a crush on him now but you might also become just best friends because not every time does a crush end up as a relationship. As we grow having close friends is just as important as being in a relationship.

Anxiety is a serious mental health issue. We are not trained medical health professionals here so I cant know if you have anxiety or not but avoidance of the illness is a major development that you can exercise simply by asking (in private) someone questions that takes away the anticipation of the situation. Clarity is great because you might have a crush but asking will determine if they feel the same or not and if they dont, you might feel hurt for a while but you wont be wasting your time and can focus on someone else you find interesting. Leave on good terms and you never know... your crush might reconsider.

All the best I hope I've helped. Repost anytime.

TonyWK

[7584883]

Hey TonyWK,

Thank you so much for your advice and recognising what I had so obviously failed to acknowledge that going to “the source” would clear up my doubts. I’ve definitely gotten up in my head about it and I’ve been considering too many factors and interactions that could only, ultimately be taken by my interpretation and not the reality of it. So this way, approaching him, sounds like the most appropriate response to this situation. I’m really gonna take your advice on board and ask him privately how he feels when I see him next. 

Thank you so much again

[white knight]

You're welcome and I might add one thing- many many years ago I had therapy over an issue concerning "intrusive thoughts", being ones that entered my mind that were unrealistic or fantasy. As they weren't real, this caused me as one of several reasons why I ended up getting anxiety.

See, it's best to process unrealistic thoughts by way of quick elimination, when our imagination becomes thoughts of real possibilities. So if your thinking too much about a person and guessing senarios- stop, ask yourself "is this likely to happen"?... if not remove them from your mind and this is generally best achieved by distraction, play a video game or do some gardening... they will soon pass and you could reduce the risk of anxiety that can lead to other mental illnesses. Prevention is best.

TonyWK