I’m in love with my best friend (same gender)

[Siennad23]

2 years ago, in my last year of high school I developed a crush on one of my friends. At first I just thought I just enjoyed spending time with her until I realised it was real feelings (my bisexual awakening). I put in so much effort to always hang out with her that once high school ended we were because even closer and best friends (she didn’t know I had feelings for her). Fast forward a year later, we are still really close friends but our friendship became super toxic because I would always get super jealous and always started arguments because I felt she never put in effort into the friendship, when in reality I just set unrealistic expectations because I was so in love and wanted her to appreciate me the way I appreciated her. Anyway a year and a half after I started to like her, I told her that I had feelings for her in high school (we were still best friends at this stage and would text everyday and see each other so often), she said she always knew I had feelings for her but she obvs didn’t feel the same way back which I knew (there was another girl present when we had this convo. Remember her she comes in again later). Deep down she knew I was in love with her all this time. A couple months after this conversation a whole group of my friends went away on a holiday and the girl I like AND THE OTHER GIRL THAT KNEW I LIKED HER THAT WAS THERE WHEN WE HAD THAT CONVERSATION, HAD SEX. The other girl who knew I liked her said to her friend “I knew she liked her but I didn’t give a f*ck”. I was heart broken because they both knew I had feelings for this one girl. Fast forward 6 months later I’m still so heart broken and it’s so hard to get past this because we are all in the sane friendship group. They had sex because they were super drunk and they said it was a one time thing but I just can’t get past it. I don’t know what else to do. Now me and the girl who I had feelings for not only did that happen but I lost her as a best friend and with the other girl I can’t even look at her but have to fake be her friend for the sake of the group AND I JUST DONT KNOW HOW I CAN GET PAST THIS BECAUSE WE ARE IN THE SAME FRIEND GROUP and I will just always be in love with her. I need advice on how to get past this because it’s been six months and I’m still so heartbroken and can’t get over how they did this to me.

[smallwolf]

Hello and welcome to the forums.

That sounds like a really hard place to be... to be friends with 2 (?) people who had sex at one time and sounds like you feel betrayed.

Perhaps you seeing them all the time (?) brings back those thoughts and harder to distract yourself. At the same time I wonder if it is possible to your former best friend to the better friends again?

Have you tried chatting 1 on 1 with your best friend (or another friend?) and had a good vent session - make a date with a friend and let loose. Talking it through may help you get more clarity on the situation and encourage you to move on.

That has worked for me at least.

Anyway I am listening to you and if you want to chat some more... I am listening.

Peace to you, Tim

[sbella02]

Siennad23,

I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. That's a really tough situation to be in. I'm also a bisexual woman who had my awakening in high school, so I know how hard it can be to deal with all those feelings at that age too. I also just want to say that it's very normal to still be feeling anger or betrayal after six months. It can take a long time to recover from heartbreak.

Looking at the situation objectively, for someone to be your best friend and blatantly disregard your feelings like that, she doesn't sound like a great friend. In hindsight, it would've been better on her part to tell you that she wasn't interested, rather than going behind your back and sleeping with somebody else. In a relationship, you deserve somebody who's going to treat you with respect, patience, and love. In your endeavours to understand and overcome your heartbreak, I'd start by reminding yourself that you fundamentally deserve to be loved and respected, and that somebody who says "I knew she liked me but I didn't give a f***"doesn't sound like they can offer you that. What an awful thing to say.

It sounds to me like you could benefit from a distraction, whether it be a hobby, a passion, or even finding another group of friends to hang out with. I know from experience that friendship groups in which two members are either exes or have had a negative relationship-based interaction tend to fall apart, or have a lot of tension. While you may not want to completely distance yourself from the other members of the group, I'd try and distance yourself as much as possible from your former best friend. If you do decide to leave the group entirely, you can still keep up these other friendships separately as well.

I would also recommend staying away from the love scene for now, and take some time to focus on yourself and the things that you want to do. Unless you feel ready to re-enter the scene, then by all means, explore your sexuality in a careful and considerate manner (careful and considerate to both yourself and your needs, and to others).

At the end of the day, it's important to respect and prioritise yourself and what you value in a relationship, platonic or romantic. If you still feel like you want to maintain a friendship with your former best friend, it's ultimately up to you. Just make sure you set boundaries, and know what you stand for and will not stand for in a friendship/relationship.

Good luck! I'm always here to talk more if you need.

SB

[Em_Rich]

I can totally relate to that Siennad23. I’m in the situation and I don’t know what to do or how to tell her