My children's father is transgender

[Bunjil]

My ex husband of 6 mths has not told our children ( twin boys 20 and a daughter 15 ) that he is transgender and has started to transition to a women.

I have struggled big time with it and have started to see a psychologist which has helped.

He has agreed to tell the kids with his psychologist and me. I have no idea how the kids will react they are good respectful kids but I feel they have no idea this is coming ....I didn't when he told me... I was totally blindsided.

Is there any support grps for children with a transgender parent.

( Before anyone comments on me using the words husband and he ... I am not ready to change over just yet )

Thanks

[Bunjil]

Hi Dan

I did agree with him that he would tell the kids and I think that should still happen he needs to take responsibility for this as it's happening to him . Plus it's for the kids not him.

I have taken 50/50 as a way of getting something and keeping the peace plus I can't afford to fight it

Once he tells the kids I don't care who knows and I will be telling people why we separated and what has happened. I have kept the peace for the kids but once they know they need to work out what relationship they want with him and I will respect that. But I don't have be friends with him he has hurt me too much.

I might even have the strength to let him know exactly how I feel and what this has done to me.

We have just accepted an offer on the house and I can rent it back for 12 mths which will help me out. He won't be welcome anymore unless the kids want to see him. Which I don't think they will ...once he is her.

Might go get my nails done tomorrow morning as he's coming over tomorrow to sign the offer on the house and he would have to take his nail polish off... Little bit vandictive .....

For anyone else reading this please remember I'm not disrespectful towards transgender people , just the way my X has treated me and our kids in all of this.

Thanks

[eight]

mm. ignore me because i'm prolly derailing and i think too much but it's really becoming more obvious to me as i lurk how much coming out just derails people's lives, jesus christ

maybe i'm just swinging my bat at a hornets' nest when that's lowkey this whole board's audience, mhm, but yeah. you see it all the time in those threads of straight women who've done nothing wrong but they have a husband and he's gay or whatever and turns out he's also an abusive Asswipe with a capital a or it screws over their kids or these parents who have to rebuild all their expectations and their dreams get shattered and aren't the same again when their child comes out. always trotting out that same old same old "they came out of the closet and i went right in" with it too. it's.. a little tiring tbh

sounds like it's just downright misery to be the undeserving straight person who gets saddled with some bright-eyed bushy-tailed lgbt. i don't want to do that? i have regular breakdowns over how much i can't stand being closeted but there's no person out there who needs me to thrust all my misery and turmoil on them because some dumbass lesbian couldn't keep her feelings in. i hate the idea of dragging people into my gay blackhole if i've seen it gone horribly wrong so many times and it's unfolding right before my eyes again!

[Lonelydan]

Hi Bunjil, Yes definitely go get your nail done. Im a single parent who is raising my three nieces 18,19,27 I’ve been so lucky to have an army of girlfriends who I love, Adore and respect. I’m a gay male just to clarify. I’ve seen some of my girlfriends ripped off terribly in the divorce settlements. I’m sorry if I’m speaking out of line I just want What is best for you and the children. Make sure it’s in the settlement contract that you are going to lease the house back and at what price. I know this might be too soon but, you said you are working. Have you Enquired about your borrowing capacity to buy another home. I imagine one years rent could be roughly $20-$30,000. I’ve seen two of my best friends get their settlements and the money slowly Dwindling away and now they’re stuck renting for the rest of their lives. You need to move on with your life so make sure he tells these kids soon so you can put closure to this , you can’t be left in limbo it’s not fair on your mental health. One thing transwoman don’t realise is the loss of male privilege. Maybe when You let him know how this made you feel you can say what kind of woman does this to another woman not vindictive Just Preparing you for what it’s like to be a woman in this world. Dan...

[Bunjil]

Hi Eight

Thanks for posting

I do believe that each and every person has a right to lead the life they feel they need to as far as being gay or transgender. I understand why my X is transioning as that's who they are supposed to be and he has fought it for a long time.

My issue is him personally and how he has dealt with this and how he has not taken my feelings or needs I to consideration we were married for 22 years and have three great kids ...he needs to step up take responsibility and.be proactive in how he does this ... But he has stepped back totally

People tell me he is the same person in the I side he'll just change his looks on the outside but that's not what I see

The way I see it I know the male verson of him and there is an other whole female version of him that I don't know ....and don't want to know ...

Please be your self but just be mindful of the people that you love and that love and support you

Take care

[Bunjil]

Hi Dan

Thanks for the clarification I was wondering ...you are an exemplary person to take your three neices in family is family no matter how it is made up.

As far as my finances I will continue to rent for up to three years until my daughter has finished school as we need to live close to the school as my daughter rides her bike to school and I need a four bedroom house and in the area I need I can't afford to buy plus i would need to out all to most of my share into a deposit and then I would have nothing to fall back on if something went wrong. I am happy to rent for now and later will see if I can buy something even as an investment.

I plan to travel the world in three to four years Time. I'll take a year off and travel .... Just for me .

Once we have signed and sold the house ill ask him again about when he will take to them.

So getting my nails.done this morning lol ....

Thanks Dan

[Bunjil]

Hi Dan

Just a quick update

Got my nails done not sure why I worried about the cost was cheap as and I feel good now

Plus we have sold the house

And we have a date set to tell the kids ....

So my bed day yesterday turned into a good day today

I hope all is well with you

Thanks ...

[LizK]

Hi Bunjil

Sounds like you have had a really torrid time. I have just read this entire thread and the one thing that seems to be a really hard thing is the Kids. I have two daughters and came out to them about 5 years ago. Instead of drifting apart I have become much closer to them and their mother. They are my life and always will be. I have sought to find resources for all of them to help them cope throughout my transition. I would suggest you can try the Bfriend organsisation which is part of the Uniting Communities program and not church based. They provide a number of different services and will certainly be open to helping you find resources.

I know my girls were surprised but supported me none the less but, we took time to sit and talk about things. I have never lied to them or their mother about this. It has not always been easy for me to be as open as I have and explain to them, however I desperately did not want to lose any of them so I put the work in. It wasn't always pleasant for them or me but we worked at it and we made it through intact. I get frustrated with many trans women who will not take the time to see what they already have and to take the time to understand what their spouses are going through.

I have tried to reverse positions and I think had my wife been the one to transition I would have stuck by her regardless and I can honestly say I would. Unfortunately there are many reasons why this doesn't happen and whilst I do understand the "why" of what your husband did I really wish they had taken the time to slow down and include you. You seem like a really loving person and there is no reason why you cannot come out of this at a very minimum as friends. I do realise that this boat has already sailed at your husbands doing so their is nothing that can salvaged it at this stage.

I hope you are able to find some peace and peace of mind. Hopefully the coming out event with the kids will be less traumatic for them and the chances are they will need some help and time to understand how they feel about it.

If there is anything I can do to help please feel free to ask.

Take care

Liz

or my Girls who are now 25 and 27 they

[Bunjil]

Thanks LizK

I have read through your post a few times. I have asked myself a few times could I have stayed married , but the answer is no . I think we were drifting apart even before he came out to me and then we both pulled back ...I did to protect myself and the kids. I did things to keep him happy ( which I can see now but not really while I was in it)

I think he can not tell himself the true and therefor can't tell others the truth. He hurt me so bad with his lies, blind siding me ( but on the other hand I can appreciate that it must have been for him struggling with this desire to be a women and I still do)

But he has pushed us away and in myself I know I can't help him transition, ( not sure how to put that into words why that is so ...)

I feel that now I have to help the kids and as I've said before I know how I react will directly affect them and how they deal with this ( as a teacher I know that research says it's how the mother reacts to a tramatic situation that helps or hinders a child's ability to process the situation )

But it's hard to support someone who i am angry with and who has hurt me so badly ...at the momment I am being friendly and respectful as we have financial agreements to get done , selling the house ect. But once the house so is settled ( which is after the date we have set for telling the kids ) and I am renting I am asking for his key back and he will only be welcome if the kids want to see him.

I would really like to sit down with him and let him know how I feel and how badly this has affected me ....this might work better with a psychologist but I will see

I know his reaction will be to dismiss my emotions or contradict a situation that has happened he has always done this and I have always backed down to keep the peace .....but not any longer.

I am strong and I deserve a life that is mine with people that love me for who I am ( and I do feel he needs that too )

He has emotionally distroyed me financially ruined me and then there is telling the kids seeing them go through this will further distroy me ....

I have decided that if he doesn't tell them on the date me mutually decided on I will tell them ...it's tearing me up keeping this secret from them and my family. They need to start the process ...

Thanks

[Aura46784]

Hi Bunjil, my situation is very similar to yours (I’m at the beginning stages) and was just wondering how it all turned out for you? Very keen to chat to women in the same situation to get my head around it all.