Choosing harmony over happiness

[Jack_01234]

Hi, I am a 30 year old gay man. 

I came out to my immediate family when I was 24 and they were all fine with it but it has something that we have never really spoken about since the same thing happened with a few close mates. I am still uncomfortable with my sexuality and i guess i was waiting for them to encourage me to become more comfortable with it which never happened. I feel like I'm at the point where i need to come out all over again to them which feels silly. 

I have chosen to hide my true self because it was easier i guess.  I'm at a point in life where most of my mates are getting married, buying houses and having kids and i still feel uncomfortable going on dates with guys, I want to get to a point where i can be in a healthy relationship and share life with that person but don't know how to get there

Not sure what I'm looking for in response to this post but it feels good to type it out and get it off my chest. 

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Jack,

A very caring and warm welcome to our forums…

I really do believe that we need to be our true self if we want happiness, contentment or any joy in our lives…hiding your true self away will only in the long time possibly make you feel very sad and discontented with life…which could cause you to get mentally unwell…

Maybe Jack…if you approach your immediate family again and just let them know how your feeling about your sexuality and how your afraid to move forward…because in a way you are maybe unsure of their feelings towards what you disclosed to them….….I think it doesn’t matter how old we are, we still need the love, support and acceptance of our family…

Please don’t hide the real you…you deserve a life of love and happiness just like everyone else does…staying true to the beautiful  person you are…is a step forward in the right direction…

Please Jack, talk here anytime you feel up to it….hopefully other lovely community members will come in to help support you…in the meantime I’m here listening to you…with my kindness and care…

Grandy..

[tete]

Hi jack. 

I understand where your coming from. I’m 42 with middle eastern background and I’ve had to watch the same thing and wishing I was in a somewhat same  situation as them but with a partner. Even that’s hard to come by because in my experience most are looking for only one thing. Anyway I would just like to say I hope that things work out for you and you get to have the life that your looking for. 

[ecomama]

Dear Jack, waves to tete & Grandy, welcome to the forums. 

I'm really glad you came to the forums to discuss these important issues for yourself moving forward. 

Congratulations for "coming out" to your family, it's a very brave step which takes a lot of courage, well done. 

It's great they were fine about it. 

I'm not sure if you came out to your friends too? 

There's really no reason to hide your true self, I understand this can be very scary but you've shown such bravery in coming out to your family, so the natural thing to do is be yourself in all sectors of your life. 

There's no necessity to make a thing about it, just BE yourself, get comfortable with your sexuality. 
Perhaps a Counsellor can help support you far better than friends or family who aren't "qualified" in such, doesn't mean they don't LOVE you, just may not provide what you need as security or comfort or encouragement. 

It's beautiful and honourable that you want what other couples have being a loving, stable relationship. 
Have you considered joining gay friendship groups perhaps? This is how our friend met her new friends, not through 'dating apps' but friendship groups. It took her about 5y before she began dating anyone, She took her time to observe people and get used to the idea of it all. She has a devout Catholic family so "such things" were never discussed. She took her time. 

Be gentle with yourself. Make friends in gay circles. 

I'm sure that everyone who loves you wants you to be happy and loved. 
That's what we all want for you. 

I sincerely hope you find this happiness, 
Love EM

[geoff]

Hello Jack, you have three replies from wonderful people and the more you try and hide it, the more uncomfortable you will feel within yourself.

If for example, one of your mates likes a blonde haired person, should they be ridiculed for not taking up the offer from a brown haired person, of course not, that's their choice as is yours, you must be proud of your decision and you have every right to believe in your sexuality and no one can take this away from you.

Sure other people are getting married, having kids, but this doesn't stop you from doing the same, and remember all guys have a mate they play golf with, may be fish with or have a drink with, that's no different to what you want to do.

Just take it as doing something with a mate and not dating, then you might feel more comfortable.

Geoff.

Life Member.