Married with 2 kids but im gay and living a lie

[Steven1]

Hello everyone. This is very hard for me to share but I need to do it. I have been burying my head in the sand for a long time and hoping the problem will go away but here goes..

I am 31 and been married 5 years and have two children but have been attracted to males since I was 11 years old. Over that whole time I have mostly hidden my feelings because of the stigma and attitudes toward gay men.

Over the last couple of years I have become depressed and unhappy in my marriage. I have been trying to blame other things such as adapting to fatherhood and work and financial stresses but ultimately I think it's my sexuality that is the key thing getting to me.

I feel sexually frustrated all the time and am constantly wondering what it would be like to be with a guy and explore the fantasies I have had all these years. Then I feel disgusted with myself for thinking like this.

My friends and family are not very accepting of gay people and I can't begin to imagine the devastating impact on everyone if I came out. The people I would feel the worst for are obviously my wife and 2 children. I love them all so much and don't want to hurt them. I can't see any option but to just suffer in silence and get over it.

I will most likely remain miserable but I don't think I will be happy if I come out either. It will cause waves everywhere and I worry I will lose everyone important in my life. I don't see a solution at all.

[Steven1]

Hi Tom. Things haven't gotten any easier the last few days. Everything is still really confusing and scary. I am no closer to deciding what to do. Do I leave or do I stay? I am booked in to see a psychologist on Wednesday and am hoping that he can help me get my head straight and assist me to make a decision about what I should do.

I have a good GP that I have been seeing for quite a few years but I don't feel comfortable discussing this with her. She has been my wife's GP her entire life and known her a lot longer than me. I have a feeling she will lecture me and side with my wife. She will also tell me I should stay on my antidepressant but I have started coming off it.

My wife offended me last night by making a lot of derogatory remarks about gay men and how disgusting she thinks it is. I want to save my marriage but I just can't see it lasting at the moment and it is devastating for me.

I feel like I should have just kept my mouth shut. I am now questioning whether this is worth losing my wife, kids, family and house over. It is so overwhelming....

[DrTom]

Hi Steven,

That sounds really tough! It's really sad that your wife is saying things that are hurtful. It's natural to be fearful of losing things and people you love, but if you're anything like me, it can be easy to get in to a vortex of fears that feed of each other, but don't really reflect reality, and blow things way out of proportion.

I'm not a medical doctor, but it doesn't sound like now is the best time to be coming off antidepressant medication without discussing it with a doctor. You're in a tough bit of life, and while I am hopeful things will get better, it is likely to be tough going in the next little bit while you sort yourself out, and deal with things. Speaking from my own experience, antidepressants don't make problems go away, but they can make it a bit easier to plug away and do the things you need to do.

Seeing a counselor or a psychologist will be a helpful thing, I am sure. He or she will be a neutral person who can help you figure out what things in your head are reasonable and which are unreasonable and need to be challenged.

You're right in the middle of one of the hardest things you'll ever do - figure out who you are and what is right for you. I am not surprised you wonder if you should have stayed quiet, but if I interpret your first few posts that I read correctly, you were unhappy then and stuck between a rock and a hard place. Getting unstuck is hard in the short term, but I remain hopeful that you will be glad you have. In saying so, I'm not pre-judging how things will pan out, but I do know that I can't think of a single person I know who has honestly confronted their sexuality (straight, gay, bisexual or anything else) and regretted doing so. It's a pretty core piece of who we are!

I'm guessing you haven't spoken to your family yet, and I'm certainly not suggesting you rush in to it, but when you get to it, even it they don't deal well with it in the short term, most family members eventually realize you're still the same son/brother/etc and once they have had time to think it through, come around.

Keep posting so we can keep telling you: you're not alone!

Tom

[Steven1]

Hi Tom. Thanks again for your input here. Your words of wisdom are much appreciated.

I had the appointment with the psychologist yesterday. It was helpful in a sense, but I think I scared the hell out of the psychologist and he felt a bit out of his element with my situation. He looked lost for words at times and said he has homework to do and may need to refer me on to a specialist in this area. I appreciate his honesty but feel a bit disappointed too. My wife and I saw him last year when we were struggling and he was really good, but I think this situation is super tricky.

It was good having someone to listen while I explained everything. Getting it all off my chest with someone neutral was great. I am seeing him again next week and my wife will be coming along too.

The other day my wife absolutely exploded at me. She was very angry and tearful and said that I have ruined her life and that she wishes she never met me. Much to my dismay she has also said that if we split up she wants nothing to do with me. No friendship or an amicable relationship where we can see each other and share the boys. I am devastated by this and it makes it so much harder for me to make this decision. I hoped that we could remain really good friends and share the boys like you have done with your wife.

This is all still very raw. I am hoping things settle down soon.

As for coming off my tablets I know this is probably not a good time but I hate taking them and don't think I need them. There have been some unpleasant side effects such as jaw clenching which has caused me a lot of pain and dental issues.

Hope to hear from you again soon Tom. Thanks again

[DrTom]

Hi Steven,

Good to hear from you. I know you are still feeling pretty horrid, but I have to say the tone of your post sounds better than before! You're right - it is good to be able to tell someone about it, and even if he achieves no more than being someone you can talk to, that is a very real benefit. I don't know what part of Australia you are in, but in Victoria VAC have specialist services, and I think there are others too (perhaps one of the mods might be able to suggest some). Although I didn't need them, I have several friends in our situation who found the VAC service very helpful. I know for myself, I had a few friends who were awesome, and who were great to talk with and be with: as you've experienced, being able to unload what you're going through, and be listened to without judgement is a really helpful thing. I was lucky, in as much as these particular friends are people I've known a long time, and who I knew were not going to judge me - I knew they had helped a lesbian friend when she came out and was treated pretty horribly by the church she was part of.

It's not surprising really that your wife is saying the things you report. She's probably pretty frightened about the future, and is trying to make sense of things, which takes some doing! It still hurts to hear them, and I hope she will in time feel differently. I understand you would like to be amicable, and you both may well get there, but you both probably have a bit of a way to go before that will happen. For me, and my ex-wife, although she dealt with it all amazingly well, it has taken a few year to go from angry and sad, through, just sad, to polite, back to friendly. The last didn't completely happen till she re-partnered. There are many different ways these things go and everyone is different. Hope for the best, but take one day at a time!

I know what you're talking about with the side-effects, though for me the jaw clenching was only mild. If you can get it together, I reckon finding a GP you can be comfortable with is a good idea - he or she will be able to keep an eye on you and help figure out if you need to get back on the meds. And I know you're probably not in the frame of mind at the moment, but he or she will be someone you can discuss sexual health with.

It's a journey. From a place where you hid who you are (even from yourself), to discovering that who you are is just fine! And all of us who have done it are cheering you on from the sidelines.

Tom.

[Chris_B]

Hi Steven, this page below on our site has contacts state-by-state for LGBTI organisations:

Helpful contacts and websites

[Just Sara]

Congratulations Steven1;

I've been following this thread and must say your courage is outstanding! I can't contribute to your experience as a man, but can offer the viewpoint of a woman.

One of the most difficult issues to face is helplessness. Your wife is in a place where she hasn't any tool or experience to cope with this situation. From what you've said, her anger, disappointment and cruel words are causing you to doubt yourself. Her reaction is normal and is about her, not you.

It must also feel pretty helpless for you to watch her go through this stage of conflicting emotions. I know how devastating it feels to know the man I love wants something/someone else. It hits at the core of self esteem and confidence, and fear of an unknown future. But acceptance will come for her, it just takes time.

My advice? Give her space and avoid the temptation to engage in debates or arguments. If you find yourself defending your position, she'll take advantage of this and argue/manipulate until you cave. In your mind, take a step back and watch her as an observer; give her permission (within yourself) to be who she needs to be, and give it to yourself while you're at it. You have the right to be the man you want to be and she has a right to feel betrayed and abandoned. You can't take on responsibility for both of you.

To be brutal, if she knows you're giving in to her anger/resentment/fear, she'll jump on it and use it to her advantage. Stay focused on yourself and if you're sympathising with her, pull yourself up and take a step back to regain clarity and self direction. The back and forth thing of 'will I or won't I' only prolongs the pain; for her and for you.

I'm not saying to be harsh with her. She'll interpret any truth from you as hurting her no matter what anyway. So it's best to keep things honest and true to you.

As the Buddhist saying goes; "This too shall pass"

Kind thoughts...Dizzy x

[Just Sara]

By the way Dr Tom;

Amazing comfort and advice for Steven. You're a legend! What an inspiration!

Cheers...Dizzy x

[DrTom]

Thanks Dizzy,

I remember one of the biggest things for me was feeling that I was heading off the edge of the map in to a blank void, where I didn't know anyone, and didn't know what would happen. If sharing some bits of my experience is of any help to anyone else, then I am very happy to do so.

Coming out when you have a wife and kids is hard, and I agree, kudos to Steven for having the courage to be honest about his need to sort out his sexuality. Adulting is hard, and uncomfortable, but sometimes it's what we have to do, and as far as I am concerned, total respect to anyone who manages to do it.

Tom

[dl_1985]

Hi Steven,

I thought you might be interested in the recent story from a Christian rock star from the US who came out. It comes largely from a religious angle but he also had a wife and kids, and talks about those struggles.

[Chris_B]

Thanks for that dl_1985. Steven, here's the video of that story: