Married with 2 kids but im gay and living a lie

[Steven1]

Hello everyone. This is very hard for me to share but I need to do it. I have been burying my head in the sand for a long time and hoping the problem will go away but here goes..

I am 31 and been married 5 years and have two children but have been attracted to males since I was 11 years old. Over that whole time I have mostly hidden my feelings because of the stigma and attitudes toward gay men.

Over the last couple of years I have become depressed and unhappy in my marriage. I have been trying to blame other things such as adapting to fatherhood and work and financial stresses but ultimately I think it's my sexuality that is the key thing getting to me.

I feel sexually frustrated all the time and am constantly wondering what it would be like to be with a guy and explore the fantasies I have had all these years. Then I feel disgusted with myself for thinking like this.

My friends and family are not very accepting of gay people and I can't begin to imagine the devastating impact on everyone if I came out. The people I would feel the worst for are obviously my wife and 2 children. I love them all so much and don't want to hurt them. I can't see any option but to just suffer in silence and get over it.

I will most likely remain miserable but I don't think I will be happy if I come out either. It will cause waves everywhere and I worry I will lose everyone important in my life. I don't see a solution at all.

[Steven1]

Hi again everyone. I came close to telling my wife that I am gay last night but I couldn't do it. She was upset and saying she wasn't coping and isn't happy. It wasn't the right time to spring this on her but when will be?

I told her that I had been thinking about us separating because we have both been unhappy for a long time. She got really upset and said that won't help it will make things worse. I know she is scared of me not being there to help.

I really am stuck now. If I bring up my sexuality it's going to look like an excuse to leave and she won't believe me. I know it

[justinok]

Hey mate, a couple of things... (1) you don't need an excuse to leave if you think it's the right thing to do, regardless of the reason. Of course she would say that it's going to feel worse, the moment immediately after breaking up always does. Doesn't mean it isn't the right thing to do. And (2) I doubt she'll say she doesn't believe you if you say you think you're gay. It's not exactly a label that people are climbing over themselves to adopt if it's not true. It sounds to me like you're letting the potential effect on her hold you back from being honest. It's going to be a difficult thing to do, that's just a fact. Again, doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. But you need to be ready for what follows.

[Paul]

Hey Steven,

I think timing is important, especially with kids involved. Your wife will grieve (as will you) and one of those stages of grief is anger. I think you've planted the seed right now. Her response has been the typical first stage of grief. Shock, denial, disbelief.

Now. I'm not saying don't follow who you really are - definitely not saying that. What I am saying is small steps because if you are to end your marriage it needs to be mostly amicable for the kid's sake and the for sake of your future relationship with them.

Consider your own emotional health, consider your wife's emotional health and I think play it by ear just like you have done.

Small steps I think is the go.

Paul

[Steven1]

Hi again guys. Thanks to justinok and Paul for your valuable comments.

I told my wife that I think I'm gay last night. I was so nervous but she knew something was wrong and got it out of me. She thought I was having an affair with another woman. I told her she couldn't be more wrong.

She didn't say a lot. I think she was shocked and saddened. She asked what does this mean for us? I told her I don't know at the moment. And that is the truth.

I have no idea what I am going to do. I'm seeing a counselor in 2 weeks and am hoping to start working it all out. I am confused and really worried how it will turn out.

[Gruffudd]

Hi Steven,

You did it, there is some relief in that. I think you are right to take your time, there is no knowing exactly where to go from here. It seems that both of you will need to do lots more talking. Dr Tom's story is a good one. My ex went back to his wife after being with me, they are actually quite happy together, probably more so now she knows about him. It is definitely easier for the kids when they are talking and not fighting.

I guess having watched a man I love figure all this out, I'd say the best thing is to think about what you want life to be like, talk to your wife about her view of the future too. Keep on talking. Hopefully you can find a way that works out for the best like Dr Tom or my ex have done.

And there is always a listening ear in this forum.

All the best.

Rob.

[Warren_O]

Hi Steven,

there is nothing wrong with your feelings. There is nothing wrong with being gay either. When you feel comfortable enough to share this with your family start slowly. Your family and friends may be shocked, feel grief and go through a process of denial. Some may deal betrayed. BUT it is up to you to decide who, how and when and if to tell anyone else. You control this situation. I am 48 and came out recently. There were some people who took umbrage, but it was about me, not them. For my own mental health I decided come out. First to some gay friends. They helped me and were supportive. Then I told my brother and my girlfriend of 33 years.

a box of tissues were used, but in the end those I told were just as supportive after finding out as before. For most people it was business as usual

withbyour children that will be more challenging. Find a gay counselling service who can provide better advice than I.

mate, you are the same man as you were before. Those that mind, don't matter. Those that matter, don't mind. You deserve happiness. I am happier now and honest.

In short. There is nothing wrong with you. You deserve to be happy. You are in control of who knows. It's okay to feel the way you feel, in the same way as your friends and family have the right to their feelings too.

[DrTom]

Hi Steven,

Wow! That's a big and important step to take. Good on you for being honest about it with your wife. It is a start. It may go smoothly, or it may be rough, but you're not stuck where you were any more.

I have been thinking of you frequently, because I recognise so much of what you say. You are not alone in your experience. I am hopeful for your future, even if you can't see beyond the moment at this stage.

My recollection of the immediate aftermath of coming out was a combination of grief, fear for the future and an immense relief that I could stop trying to be something that I just wasn't. I was fortunate to have a couple of close friends who were very caring, and my parents coped well with the shock (did I mention I came out to them by email?), and were great too, though I couldn't face seeing them for a couple of weeks.

Stay in touch. I'm always happy to answer questions, and share anything of my experience that might be helpful to you. You're on a complicated road, and there will be all sorts of challenges, but also good things too.

Do you have a good GP? You might want to talk to your GP too. If you don't have one you feel comfortable with for this period, there are several practices that cater for LGBTI people and families. You might not consider yourself gay, and that's fine, but a GP who knows the territory might be a sympathetic ear who can help you.

Tom.

[Gruffudd]

I just wanted to pop in and say a quick welcome to you Warren O.

Thankyou for adding your support for Steven, I appreciate you sharing your story, helps me too. By the look of your profile photo much has changed over the last few years, it's got me interested, I'd welcome hearing more.

All the best,

Rob.

[Steven1]

Hi again guys. Thanks for all of your posts and supportive comments. Appreciate it.

Wow what a horrible two days it has been. There has been lots of crying and questions from my wife. And some crying from me too. Yesterday we both felt sick to our stomach and couldn't eat. I felt like I wanted to be sick all day. It's nerves and worry.

My wife is disgusted by men having sex together and said she doesn't want me looking at porn or thinking about men anymore if we are to save our marriage. She wants a guarantee from me.

I told her I can't guarantee anything at this stage. She seems to think it's just a sexual fantasy of mine and I'm not gay because I don't fit the mould. She is going by the stereotype of gay men being feminine and into cross dressing etc. I told her just because I'm not into that stuff doesn't mean I'm not gay.

It is confusing though because I'm not sure I want a relationship with a man but I do want the sex side. But maybe that is because I have never been in love with a man before. All this stuff is confusing me no end..

[DrTom]

Steven, it sounds familiar. Of course it's confusing. For both of you! Your wife, like all of us, has preconceived ideas about what it means to be gay. We are all shapes and sizes, highly educated and not very educated, conservative and progressive, musical and tone deaf. I remember the first time I went to a gay bar, and was blown away by the amazing variety of guys who were there. I had so assimilated the popular stereotypes, I had not thought about that fact, and it took quite a while to really realize it.

It also took me a month before I could use the word "gay" - again, I has so assimilated all the negative connotations I felt too ashamed to say it. I don't feel ashamed any more but has taken a while.

So don't expect too much too quickly. It will take a while to figure things out, for you and your wife, and what you decide is best going forward.

Many of us have gone through this experience. You are not alone.

Tom