Married 3 kids

[Tails91]

Hi all, I’m soooo lost and have been for s few years I’m sexually attracted to women and have been my whole life had a few girlfriends in my younger days but now married and have three children I really struggle in the bedroom with my husband I’m trying my hardest and do it maybe once a month if that to do the right thing by him but I really have to build myself up to it and I feel terrible but I seriously just not sexually attracted to males any more I I don’t think I can pretend anymore but wen it comes to women I’m all for it I’ve never ever cheated and never will but wen I think about women n kissing them and snuggling with themy guts go crazy n it turns me on. But I’m terrified to come out cause my family won’t accept it and i don’t want to hurt my husband even more then I do knocking him bak sex everyday I used to love it and say I did bysexual but i think it more then that now it’s like the more he hints m asks the more I can’t do it it’s like it pushes me away 5 kilometres more I don’t no wat to do or how to get my sex drive bak for him I’m sooooooo confused n stuck in s hole right now and it’s makinh my depression n anexity worse

[Birdy77]

Dear Tails,

I'm glad you've come here to get some support. You're in a very confusing headspace and it can feel so overwhelming, I hope talking some things through here will help you a little bit.

Have you talked to your husband at all about the physical intimacy side of your relationship? I mean, has he noticed you're not into it as much as you used to be, and has he asked you what's going on?

If you love him, and want to stay in the relationship, maybe you could think of some new ways to spice things up, that may work for you, I don't know.

One of my good friends was in a similar situation to you, she has 4 kids and had been married to her high school sweetheart since they were very young, and she ended up coming out a few years ago when her youngest was just 3. She has a friendly relationship now with her ex-husband, and it's worked for them because they can each be happy and fulfilled, but separately.

There are other solutions though. There are lots of different ways of having successful relationships, but it takes communication I guess. Can you envisage a scenario that would satisfy you as well as your husband?

I guess I'm not being much help, but want you to know you're safe and welcome here to talk this stuff through.

🌻birdy

P.S. There are a few other members on the forum who have gone through similar situations, you can read through their threads in the Sexuality and Gender Identity section.

[Tails91]

Thanks birdy

i don’t no how to tell him and I don’t think I’m ready to just yet as the the sex side of the realationship i tell him sex is for making babies it’s never been a huge thing on my end I tell him I’m tired or depressed or not in mood I have to force myself to do it tho once a month if that maybe I’ll stick it out till my kids are older

[Birdy77]

Dear Tails,

Sticking it out and waiting until your kids are older is one option - the risk there is that you could grow to be resentful of your situation and it could ruin the other aspects of your marriage/family.

Is your husband aware that you had girlfriends in the past? If so, he may be more open to discussing with you your needs and desires, and it could open the way to a changing dynamic in your relationship?

Different to to my friend I told you about yesterday, I know of one woman who is in your position and she and her husband have chosen to stay together, but have their own sexual partners (so I guess a bit like an open marriage). This works well for them both, and she has found a woman who is happy in this arrangement as well. It's not for everyone, but there are ways to explore different dynamics.

You might find it helpful to look at: Qlife.org.au they have loads of resources, counselling, chat and peer support for our lgbtqi community, no matter whether you are open about your sexuality or not. It would be worth having a look.

I am always happy to chat to you.

I know I'm not in your position as I am in a long term lesbian relationship with no kids, but I am your ally and i do have friends who have gone through what you're going through.

🌻birdy

[Tails91]

Thanks birdy

I’m happy to chat to u and get advice all I can say is ur sooooooo lucky Exocet I don’t regret my kids

[Whattheflotsam]

I too have had some major sexual problems. I think i am bisexual, but have been too scared to pursue it. Also my boyfriend is very controlling. He expects me to be his slave and i want more

[Tails91]

You poor thing I feel very sorry for you I couldn’cope with that do u do u how long have

[Tails91]

Major sex problems like only with the partner ur with. Now on more attracted to women or I’m very sad to hear he is controlling hun 😞 I’m always here if u need to vent

[Birdy77]

Dear Tails,

I know you're feeling really confused and anxious about all this at the moment.

I wonder if you could imagine what you would consider your ideal situation?

Would it be staying married but being able to explore your sexuality with women? Or separating from your husband and being with women?

I think if you could start with what you would ideally like the outcome to be, you may be able to start moving towards that slowly.

Maybe you're not sure yet what you want in an ideal world, and that's ok too. I just thought it might help you to talk through some ideas here.

Dear Kay (Whattheflotsam),

I'm really sorry to hear you are not in a good relationship.

It might be time to draw a line in the sand with your boyfriend and tell him what you will no longer accept, or maybe simply to call it quits with him.

It is not ok for him to control you.

You are your own person, and you do not belong to him.

You can be free to explore your attraction to women without being controlled by him.

🌻birdy

[Tails91]

Birdy

my ideal life would to be with a women but who would want a single gay lady with 3 kids