Am I Transgender or do I have Body Dysmorphia?

ThatGuySunshine · ‎25-02-2019

Hi! I'm a 20 year old female and for around 6/7 years now I've been thinking that I should have been born male, before this I haven't felt uncomfortable being a girl and I still don't hate the fact that I'm female. Though when I was younger I was a 'tomboy', I was interested in toys more aimed towards boys and I loved to play soccer with other boys but when I turned 11 I was told that I couldn't play sports with the boys anymore and had to play with the girls so I just stopped playing altogether. After that I started to gain a lot of weight and at the start I hated being overweight but over time I became very comfortable with my weight and never really had the desire to lose any of it as I wasn't at such a weight that it risked my health. In my teens I started to develop a more masculine appearance, cutting my hair and wearing clothes from the men's section etc., and I love being called a guy, it was also during this time that I really wanted to have a deeper voice more like a man - especially since I sound like a 5 year old girl. At the time I didn't think very much of it as myself being transgender felt wrong(?) despite my desire to be a man or as close as possible to one, I've also thought that the reason I might think I should have been born male is because when my parents were going through their divorce my sister blamed me for it, she said that the reason I was born was because my father wanted a son but ended up having another daughter which left him unhappy, I have confronted my father about this but he denied it profusely though I feel that her words have had a strong effect on me. Within the last two years I've started to want to change my body to be slimmer and athletic but the body I want is a man's body, I've been confused about whether I just don't like my weight or want to be a man so a few weeks ago I bought myself a binder and when I wear it I feel amazing and great, I love having a flat chest even if it makes my stomach stick out more, but to make sure I'm not confused I've decided to lose weight and then start to build muscle to see if I'll be satisfied with that but the more I exercise and lose weight, the more I want to be a man. I want to tell my family how I feel but I'm a very private person and find it hard to share my feelings with anyone, especially when I'm not sure how they'll react, I'm also scared to know if I am trans because my father is very transphobic and I don't want to disappoint him anymore than I already have.

MsPurple · ‎25-02-2019

Hi ThatGuySunshine and welcome to the BB forums

I myself am not transgender so I can't speak from personal experience. I just want to come here and offer support. I do know what it is like to be confused about part of myself (sexuality, however I know sexuality and gender are very different) and I know how frustrating it can be to confused and just wanting answers.

Have you talked to someone about your possible gender confusion or possible body dysmorphia? I talked to someone at headspace regarding my sexuality (as well as my anxiety and depression). They were very good, non judgemental and helped me work through it so I could be comfortable with who I am. I know they also see a lot of people regarding gender and confusion int his area. Whether you are questioning your gender or have body dysmorphia they can help you work through it. They see people 12-25 years and it is free. For more info see www.headspace.org.au. You could also ask your GP for a mental health care plan (allows medicare rebate to psychology and also allows other referrals) and a referal to someone who has experience in this area. My GP I see actually says she has an interest in LGBTQ+ issues as well as transgender health. You maybe about to find a gp similar in your area.

There are a few transgender users on here that maybe able to contribute to this post and give better insight. I hope my contribution has also helped

ThatGuySunshine · ‎27-02-2019

Hi MsPurple, thank you for the advice and warm welcome. I haven’t spoken to anyone yet, for my close friends and family I’m a bit uncomfortable to talk about all of this with them at the moment, but I will be checking out headspace and I’ll hopefully try to find a GP that has experience with this in my area.

Thank you again!

Keypi · ‎28-02-2019

Hi ThatGuySunshine,

This can be a very confusing time, I have felt a similar way to you for a long time too. I want to look more masculine but I also have times where I like my body. After reading into it a bit more rather than being trans which I thought I might be, I realised I was more gender-fluid you could read into it too and see if that helps at all, as it sounds similar to what you are describing.

Plus you don't have to work it all out now, maybe just have fun with yourself and see what it is you like after a while you might know what it is you like or want.

- Keypi 🙂

Deja_Vu · ‎20-04-2019

I know this reply is very late but as someone who is trans, I relate to your post. Also its definitely possible to have both body dysmorphia and be trans (so have body dysphoria)

You should find someone who specialises in gender stuff as mentioned above and just have a good think about it. Experiment. And i hope you find answers 🙂

Tails91 · ‎30-05-2019

Hi I feel as tho I wrote what I just read from u although I’m 28 and been feeling this way ever since I was 11 I’m now married to my husband and have 3 kids am why cause I’m doing what right for everyone else I’m terrified to come out and I’ve cut my hair and all to I’m sooooo attracted to women it’s not funny I’m really struggling to keep up with my husband we barely do anything I’m forever pushing him away witch I feel terrible for but I can pretend any long

MsPurple · ‎01-06-2019

HI everyone

So sorry I have been away from this thread for a while. I sometimes have time off (I am only human who also has mental health issues).

I still sometimes feel like I'm a fake. I have only had relationships with men and I think about a future with a man. But I know that's because I have seen movies about it and have grown up thinking that way. I know I am emotionally and sexually ok with being with both genders. So I understand the constant journey of being confused or trying to understand being yourself.

I found talking to someone about it helpful. I know it is hard. Gosh even know me talking about it can be hard. But I am so glad I started the convo. I can be honest with myself. Learn more about myself. Know that every day I may vary, but I am still my me (don't know if that makes sense but it does to me).

We all want love. We all want to feel ok within ourselves. And feel we are being true to ourselves.