I’m married with kids and just figured out I’m a lesbian

[Static]

Whinge alert!

I have been married for 10 years and have 2 young kids. Most of my life I have considered myself mostly straight but being a good catholic kid I never actually explored anything. I never felt overly passionate about my husband but I love him and we got a long really well.

Over the last 2 years a lot of depression, me wondering if this is all there is etc. the last year has seen all that spike along with a complete rejection of religion, shame and the acceptance of being bi+ and constantly swinging between expressing myself in feminine and masculine dress. I figured being bi is ok, cause I’m not lying about wanting to be with my husband

Now though I think I might be gay, or at least bi though heavily attracted to the feminine. And so many things clicked into place

I just don’t understand how I got to this age and am only now figuring it out?! It’s not like I’ve avoided gay culture, I’ve always been mildly obsessed with it since I was a kid but didn’t think about why.

And worse then that, how do I tell someone who loves me that I’ve messed up so bad. Me coming out doesn’t only affect me.

How do I navigate this with the least fallout, especially for him and the kids? And then what if I’m not gay just confused?!

Help

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Well at least you are honest and you do care for other people, that is a nice quality.

I think you need some counseling/psych visits simply because you need to sort out your true self, what ever that might be bi, gay etc. It would be a sad case if you go down the path that could ruin your family only to find out it is an early menopause or some other issue.

So that's my suggestion. Good luck and post anytime.

TonyWK

[SammyB]

Hi Static,

Welcome to the forums. You seem to be in a bit of a predicament with feeling less passionate about your husband and understanding your feelings towards the same sex. As you had said, what if you are not gay and just confused? You didn’t have the opportunity to explore these feelings as a kid and they are starting to resurface years later. So give yourself time to process this. I think it’s important to remind yourself that you don’t have to rush to come out to anybody at this point. For myself, reaching out to one of my closest friends was the greatest support while I explored my identity and helped me when I was ready to share this part of myself with others.

Do you have someone you can turn to (besides your husband) to disclose these feelings to? If not, this is a great space if you would like to talk about things further. Qlife is also a free and anonymous service that offers peer support for LGBTI individuals if you are interested in reaching out to other supports and resources 1800 184 527/ https://qlife.org.au/ . Appreciate you sharing and when you're ready, feel free to drop by again.

Sammy

[Esti67]

Hi Static,

Ive poted about my dilemma in another thread. Dilemma i guess is a very soft word for the struggle some of us have in learning we might be attracted to the same sex. I am still very very new at this, having come out slowly to people i trust around 6 months ago. My ex husband was the first person. I had attraction on and off for women as well as men since my 30's. I am 51, now separated with 2 adult children. Having been with my ex husband and now in a relationship with a wonderful woman i can say that whilst i still love my ex husband in a deep friendship kind of way, just the pure physicality and emotional level that i connect with my new female partner is indescribable. It is that that tells me I've done the right thing by leaving and a good friend told me that nature will tell me what to do. She was right. I hate that i have waited so long to do this but i know the timing was right. I was talking to a young woman at mardi gras who is newly out, she was 26 and my first feeling was that she was so lucky that she hasn't hidden this for so long. Its painful to hide.

I am interested that you say you have messed up. Its ok to love the same sex. I also think its ok to test the waters even if you are married ( just my opinion tho) i did it in an open relationship but knew straight away it was right for me.

Long story short, yes my kids are struggling as is my ex husband, at times i feel very alone and think what the hell have i done but i am glad that i am now living a life thats more me and when i am with my woman, everything is right and definately worth it. And by the way, hormones, early menopause or whatever has nothing to do with this.

I hope you work this out, do what feels right for you, your life, no one elses.

E

[geoff]

Hello Static, and a warm welcome to the forums.

You say that 'I’ve always been mildly obsessed', well, I wonder whether this also started to worry you that your sexuality was associated with obsession maybe causing you to have intrusive thoughts.

I know that I have obsessions and this is connected to my OCD where these thoughts make you begin to wonder and can also make you have thoughts that you may not want.

I'd like to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[David Nobody]

Hi Static,

I don’t mean to make light of you situation, but I find “mildly obsessed” an interesting choice of words. Not “mildly interested”, but “mildly obsessed”. I think you let out your thoughts more than you intended.

I don’t think you have “messed up”. Messing up would be lying about it, or trying to hide it. I am in no way qualified to advise you, but if your husband loves you, I think you owe it to him to explain things to him. I would like to think that he could understand, eventually. He has obviously accepted your depression, and hopefully he understands and helps. The next conversation may (probably will) be hard. I don’t envy you at all. But not having it will be worse. (I have learnt a lot from a lifetime of watching “chick flicks”)

And after that conversation, you can have one with your kids together.

I have also become disenchanted with “church”. Not necessarily religion. I still think we have a “purpose”. If we don’t, then why are we here? The world would continue quite happily if we weren’t. So “something” must have put us here on purpose. I just hope that the purpose isn’t to experiment with us.

David.

[Tails91]

Hi static

i feel like we’re in the same place I’ve known all my life I’ve always been more inclined to girls then men but I guess it wasn’t really accepted and to do “the right thing by everyone else” I’ve gone and been with men and I’ve had a few girlfriends in my time but was always fround apon and hated so I wen bak to men and now married with 3 kids since having my last younger two I’m really struggling to cope I mean I love my husband and but not in love with him if that makes sense his an amazing dad n a awesome person but there’s just nothing there and hasn’t been for a very long time we’re barley intimate because I just hate it I don’t enjoy it at all I have to force and build myself up to do it once a month if that prob more once every two months and it’s been like that even before we got married sex with males in my head is for making babies and that’s about it I’ve suffered with depression and anexity for my whole life and I think it’s more related to cause I can’t be who I want to be who I am wen I’m around women I’m soooooo happy n me then I come home and reality kicks in and I’m just a mess but I do it for my kids I don’t no weather to hold out till my kids have grown up witch will be a hell of a long time witch it’s so hard already but I have recently cut my hair really short after it being half way down my back I don’t dress girly very often trackies and hoody is my thing anyway I think I’m just rambling on now to get stuff off my chest I’ve been holding in for so longggggg but if anyways in this this ha a response or answer or wants to talk more pleasseeeeee do I really need someone to talk to.