Lesbian, married and depressed

[RubyShoes]

Hi, I have been married for 8 years but my husband and I have never had sex. I can’t, for physical reasons, but I also don’t want to because I love women and am not really attracted to men anymore. In fact, the longer I stay married, the less interested in males I become and I am almost physically repulsed by my husband, sorry to say, although I do love him. We are both Christian and so decided that we would wait until marriage before having sex. Well that was a mistake for me. Anyway, I have loved women since a very young age but thought that my love for my husband would be enough. It isn’t though as the lack of intimacy is slowly driving me around the bend. Recently I joined a lesbian dating site and have found a woman I really like. We clicked straight away and over a couple of months fell in love with each other. Last weekend, we finally met and spent the night together. I loved it. I love her and cannot get her out of my mind. The last three days I have felt utterly miserable because I don’t feel that I can leave my husband. It would absolutely destroy him. He is totally devoted to me. If I left, he would literally drink himself to death. That is no exaggeration. My unhappiness comes from feeling like I’m completely trapped. I could never bring myself to do something that would decimate my husband but I also don’t know if I could spend the rest of my life in an intimacy-free marriage. It’s killing me. I feel that I made a monumental mistake by getting married and that I’m doomed to a life of growing unhappiness.

I’m not on here looking for answers of any sort; I just need to talk....

[Soberlicious96]

Dear RubyShoes,

To me, emotional intimacy means that I can open up to someone, without fear of judgement, or of causing harm to them (or myself), and also to be confident that they in turn will open up to me. Emotional Intimacy, to me, is also about being unafraid to be vulnerable around that person.

I have many female friends, and a very small handful (or even less) of male friends that I feel I can open up to and be safe in doing so. I feel very confident that I can open up to my (male) partner, also without worrying about any kind of 'reprimand' ..... or even worse, indifference. Indifference is what I felt I got from my ex husband.

And yes, I too 'loved' my ex husband, but never truly felt like I was 'In Love' with him. I never felt like we were growing together ...... I often felt like we were, in fact, growing apart.

No one can tell you what to do, or what not to do with your current relationships. You are the only one who can decide what to do, or what not to do. All I can tell you that for me, and probably many others, when starved of that intimacy we so strongly seek and desire, we tend to do all sorts of things ...... and I know that for me, when I was still married, I had an emotional affair with a man whom had been partner years before I had met my husband, mainly because of the lack of intimacy within the marriage. Of course, every night when I laid my head on the pillow, I wasn't sleeping so well because I knew I was far too close to this other man who was not my husband, but I lacked the courage to do anything about it. One day things came to a head in the marriage (we had a rather heated discussion about the lack of intimacy, of which he STILL thought meant sex, and not emotional connection) and I moved myself into the spare room to sleep alone. And then, a few months after that, he asked me to move out. Said he "couldn't live like this any more". So a couple of days later I moved out.

Of course, there is much more to the story I could probably tell you if I had the space, but I don't have the space here! But basically, I guess what I'm trying to say is that, whatever it is that you DO decide to do, make sure it's something that will at least give you more peace of mind, and will be more true to yourself in the long run. If God can love me, even with all my flaws (and believe me, there are MANY) then He can still love you too.

I do hope that helps a little anyway? Gotta go, am running outta room again. Take care. xo

[Esti67]

Hi RubyShoes,

Welcome, it takes a lot to collect your thoughts and put them here. I have a couple of threads exactly addressing this theme. I am finally an out lesbian after grappling with this for about 20 years. A little over a year ago i came out to my husband ( married for 28years) and left my marriage a few months later. This was by far the hardest thing i have ever had to do. Seeing his pain still hurts and i feel guilty more often than not. I am now with a woman i have been friends with for many years. We are madly in love and very happy. Whilst there are still many challenges ( my daughter is still very angry at me) this bumpy ride has been worth it as i am finally free to be who i am and be a part of the LGBTQI community and experience a beautiful passionate relationship with my female partner. All i can say is that this takes time. Keep talking to people who will accept you and be true to who you are because nothing is worth dying in the closet for. Your husband may actually be ok in time, and honestly you both deserve to be in relationships where you give and get 100%. In hindsight, despite how difficult this year has been I still would gave pushed forward with this. Good luck 😁💜

[Guest_9043]

Hi RubyShoes,

Firstly, I am sorry for the distress, confusion and angst you feel in your situation. It is quite a complex issue. I am not going to give you advise because I can see it is unwanted and you directly have said it so I will respect that.

I do wish to say though that I have read your responses to the good and kind folk here who truly care and would like to help in whatever way they can. I am sorry you have not felt that it was not supportive or helpful to you even though that was the intention from every single poster. I can hear you anger, frustration and sense of feeling utterly lost and hopeless. I feel for you in that truly. In saying that please do remember that no one here is your punching bag and everyone that posts here also has things going on in their personal life as well. If you are unsure of the rules of the site, perhaps you can speak to admin or a mod to find out where they are so that we can all have a little bit more of an easier experience on this site. It would be nice if you could respect other people in future as you will be respected in return. I do hope you find your answers that work for you in your situation that is definitely not unique. I am a NON-Binary Female and have been out since I was 18 years old. I know a lot about the LGBTQI community. Your situation is definitely not unique and I do hope that you find the right type of support you feel you need. Best wishes along your journey.