Confused and hurt by people's reactions

[Listenup]

Hi,

I've been in a lesbian relationship for nearly 20 years now. I am 17 years older than my partner and we have a 14 yo son from AI (assisted insemination) and I have four children from previous marriages. Increasingly I have noticed other people being uncomfortable when meeting us or meeting us again particularly if they are parents of children around our son's age. For instance they will talk or look at my partner but not me, they will engage with my partner and not me. I particularly noticed it with my son's soccer parents this year and mainly the dads. I'm not sure how to manage it or what it's about. I'm a very friendly outgoing person and am easy to talk to, and after another incident that happened last night I wonder what it's about and how I could manage this. It leaves me feeling ignored, disrespected and hurt. I don't think my partner notices it or when I have said anything she just says oh they are like that with me too but they aren't. Anyway I was just hoping someone might be able to help me with how to manage these situations or how I might not be so hurt by feeling left out or not valued.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Your letter made it very clear as to your challenges. It is likely obvious these people are judging you and their elephant in the room is the old fashioned attitudes like "why aren't you with your husband father of you kids, but that is speculation. Who knows? as you said.

I think you might have to make a few changes and I have some suggestions.

Most sensitive people lack some form of cognitive development as teenagers, even ever so slight. We dont know how to put up the defensive barriers to the nasty people we now come across. So if we dont develop them now we will continue to get hurt.

It might seem arrogant behaviour to exercise a "turn off" method to other people but it isnt your problem. This method can best be described by the following three threads, just read the first post of each.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/fortress-of-s...

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/fortress-of-survival-part-2

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/fortress-of-s...

Then it leads me to your rights. Anyone that interferes with my human rights gets the rejection mentioned in the above threads. You know the theory being a gay person/parent about your rights to lead the life you choose.

https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/seeking-support/helping-yourself-and-others/online-forums/...

Now those threads are ones I've written and I'm a baby boomer hetrosexual guy that just adores anyone with a heart. In fact I first had my precious dealings with two transgender girls in a pentridge jail cell as a prison officer way back in 1977 when I was 21yo. I was a prison officer with issues between me and my GF. Every night those two would ask about developments and give me counseling ha!

Back to you. So with those threads it centres on filtering people in order to AVOID hurt. The next time you go to the soccer game you can avoid the ones that werent nice to you and if they have a guilty conscious they can approach you instead. This might well send you to only havign a few good friends but discounting the abrasive type will lead you to a better life.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/bullying

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/wit---the-only-answer-for-torme...

TonyWK

[Birdy77]

Hello Listenup,

I know what you're talking about. You know, people are rude! It happens with two particular neighbours of ours, they will engage with me, make eye contact, but not with my partner and I'm not sure why - it is obvious we are together and in a lesbian relationship, so what gives? I have no idea.

In your case, maybe they engage with your partner because she's younger and they assume she is your son's mum, and you're not your son's mum as well? Maybe they don't really realise you are partners and mothers together?

I notice when it happens with us, and i deliberately spin the convo to include my partner or initiate something that focuses on her, which helps. I dunno if you could mention something similar for your partner to try?

My partner tends to just wander away if my strategies don't work, but she eats concrete for breakfast those days so it doesn't hurt (but it seriously annoys her).

I am listening to you Listenup ... people can be seriously annoying, and feel free to offload here.

🌻birdy

[Listenup]

thanks White knight,

I think I have been worn down over the years, and together with now healing from VT or Secondary Traumatic Stress I don't have the fortitude to harden against these people. I know what you are saying about the wall. As a former therapist I used to recommend using protection strategies, or armour I suppose you would describe it. It's good to be reminded that I could use that daily as a protection, until I feel strong enough to create the barrier, block these people as you described. It's a way of feeling empowered. Also, I will suggest to my partner about the idea of including me and perhaps we could have a code word to indicate what is happening as she might not be aware of how they are ignoring or not including me. Thanks again, I was worried no-one would respond, really appreciate you and your efforts to help and provide guidance. Regards Donna

[Listenup]

Thank you Birdy77

I will talk with my partner about what you suggested and see how it goes and I really appreciate your response and taking the time to share how you and your partner manage similar situations. I agree I just don't think we fit in their eyes as our family is not the same as theirs, same old story really. It's their comfortableness when confronted with us. We spoke to our son this week about having two mums etc and he is fine about it and it doesn't worry him at all. That's important to me as I always worried he would resent me for not being his dad. thanks again, really appreciate your response. Regards Donna

[Birdy77]

Hello again Donna,

I hope that by talking to your partner about it that she will now be more aware and can help change things up when/if this happens in the future. A code word is a great idea too, in case you're feeling uncomfortable and she hasn't quite clocked that yet.

I know what you mean about "same old story". Hopefully things are starting to change a bit, but it can be tiring out there in the world, can't it. I find it exhausting sometimes.

It's great you're talling with your son, and he's talking with you and is cool with that. How did Soccer go this week?

I'm glad you have strategies for self-protection and care that you can call up from your knowledge and expertise as a therapist - it's hard sometimes to apply it to yourself i guess though. Hard when you're feeling worn down as well. I hope you've been able to spend some time taking care of you this week, and restoring some of those worndown feelings.

I hope your talk with your partner was helpful.

Stay strong.

🌻birdy