I don't know who I am anymore

[No_Idea]

I'm a 28 yr old male. I'm scared and confused. Short version; I think i like being in women's clothing. Today I've been wearing nail polish for the first time because I wanted to and every time I see my nails, i feel slightly happy inside.

Longer version; I thought I knew who I was growing up. But recently I've been questioning it. Looking back, I remember in my teens I wasn't sure where I was in the sexual orientation category, straight, gay or bi. I was always called gay from family and others and it would always get to me.I'm not and I can say that with complete certainty. But I did like wearing my sisters' clothing. I would wonder what it would be like to be a girl, even came up with a name I'd use. Always thought penises were gross as well. I get jealous of women because I want to be able to be pretty and beautiful like they are. I'm scared of what the future holds and what I emotional need. I have a daughter and don't want her to grow up feeling like she has to hide whoever she ends up being, because I was too scared to be who I am. I don't know what I'm doing. I know that if I do change somehow, my family will be understanding, but it's the 'I told you' and 'I already knew that'. Because they don't know. I'm not what they jokingly called me. I am attracted to the opposite gender. I just want to be able to be one of them too. I'm so confused. It's really hit hard in the last few days and I don't know why. I've been on the verge of tears numerous times now.

I don't know if this is easy to follow, or just jumbled bits of information. But I just needed to put it out there

[Jo8049]

0530 , Therising , you are so incredibly inspiring and have such broad perception . Just want to say thank you , thank you , thank you . Your timing is impeccable . A part of your post above fits my journey perfectly at this time . This is not the first time either xxxxxxx many hugs . Thank you .

Jo& LD ( little dog ) xxxxx hugs ❤❤❤🐾💃🌈🌛💤☀

[therising]

Hi Jo & LD

I'm so glad you can identify where you are at this point on your journey. Makes a massive difference when you can get your bearings. Up until such a point, you can be left feeling so lost and sometimes so incredibly sad.

I feel blessed to have found guidance in life, truly blessed. Without such guidance life would be such a different story. What I learn I pass on. One of the most significant things I've learned from such people is - you can feel your way through life. You can feel when something inspires you or resonates with you. You can feel 'True north', the right direction, and it feels amazing. You can also feel when things are 'heading south', not such a great feeling, that's for sure. Sounds a little strange but you can also feel when it is that you can't feel ('numb' has a definite feeling to it). By the way, we can have the most inspiring person on the face of the planet try to inspire us but we may not feel inspiration. A lot of people may say 'What's wrong with you, why can't you feel such inspiration?' Truth is if it's not there, it's basically just not there. You can't feel what's not there. Later the same day you can have the most uninspiring person say something to you and it suddenly hits the spot. You know it does because you feel it. I spent 15 or so years in depression not feeling inspiration but when I finally felt it, boy was it mind altering.

I do believe one of the greatest challenges for a sensitive is to stay sensitive. In a world that dictates 'Toughen up' and in a world that dictates 'Stop questioning so much', we are challenged to become insensitive and thoughtless. I much prefer to feel and wonder, especially when there is so much to wonder about in this world. I'm glad to know I share this world with you Jo, another sensitive soul.

🙂

[Jo8049]

Beautiful morning , thank you again " therising " . It is such a radiant feeling when words or meaning pops up for one . Thank you again xxx

I had not found the vision of feeling ones way , that is so perfect . I have developed a healthy use for procrastination ( not long term , just in park till I feel ( light bulb )) . On this beautiful journey so late in life it has served me well .

Much love to you , take care until next we meet ❤❤❤

Jo&LD ( we post in Transcendent Rainbow Cafe most days xxx ) ❤🐾💃🌈🌛💤☀🌠