Hi,
In school I always felt uncomfortable talking about sex even though I know it's normal I remember sex ed classes at12yo feeling uncomfortable talking about periods, puberty, sex which is normal.
Growing up however, I'm laidback discussing periods, women's sexual development and can laugh with friends. Except I've recently realized that it's men's sexual development and bodies that I find repulsive and disturbing. Not only with previous sexual experiences in past relationships have I found them gross, but anything that even resembles a penis (for example- cookies). I just find myself feeling deeply uncomfortable. I dont feel this with anything resembling women's bodies though
I always felt romantic attraction to guys and have enjoyed going on dates and cuddling and kissing. I've felt sexual excitement with my previous boyfriend and felt like I really wanted to take things further. However, when seeing his genitalia I just feel this like "brick wall". I'd be thinking thoughts like, "I want to feel closer to you" and "I really want to make you feel good", however I just felt like I couldn't even touch his genitalia for too long, having mixed feelings of enticement and revulsion. My previous romantic partners have always been laidback and have never pressured or emotionally coerced me into anything I'm uncomfortable with.
Recently I considered whether the past could have changed effected future relationships but im unsure? I remember some child-on-child sexual relations- once at 5yo and a couple times at 9yo. He was the same age as me. As a child and neither of us really understanding consent. I went along with it. I never did make sexual contact with him. I remember later feeling regret and ashamed for kissing on mouth and lower stomach area though. I tried not to think about it too much after that. It became a memory that I would only very very rarely think about briefly. I kind of just carried on with life later on and didn't think it could impact me until recently, still unsure though?
Ive also felt crushes and sexual attraction towards girls that Ill explore in future. Ive been reading the am I a lesbian masterdoc online which I can relate to a fair bit.
I'm just unsure of past child-on-child relations caused trauma? whether it impacts future relationships? or just lesbian/ ace?
Thoughts?
