I don't know who I am anymore

[No_Idea]

I'm a 28 yr old male. I'm scared and confused. Short version; I think i like being in women's clothing. Today I've been wearing nail polish for the first time because I wanted to and every time I see my nails, i feel slightly happy inside.

Longer version; I thought I knew who I was growing up. But recently I've been questioning it. Looking back, I remember in my teens I wasn't sure where I was in the sexual orientation category, straight, gay or bi. I was always called gay from family and others and it would always get to me.I'm not and I can say that with complete certainty. But I did like wearing my sisters' clothing. I would wonder what it would be like to be a girl, even came up with a name I'd use. Always thought penises were gross as well. I get jealous of women because I want to be able to be pretty and beautiful like they are. I'm scared of what the future holds and what I emotional need. I have a daughter and don't want her to grow up feeling like she has to hide whoever she ends up being, because I was too scared to be who I am. I don't know what I'm doing. I know that if I do change somehow, my family will be understanding, but it's the 'I told you' and 'I already knew that'. Because they don't know. I'm not what they jokingly called me. I am attracted to the opposite gender. I just want to be able to be one of them too. I'm so confused. It's really hit hard in the last few days and I don't know why. I've been on the verge of tears numerous times now.

I don't know if this is easy to follow, or just jumbled bits of information. But I just needed to put it out there

[HappyHelper88]

Hi No_idea

Welcome to the forum and thankyou so much for sharing, i know you may feel confused and it can be a scary feeling for you but you definitely are not alone. I can relate in a way Growing up and having identity issues, not knowing who i am, where i am going, what i am doing its a really confusing thing. Stay true to yourself and please remember things will get easy over time, you will get more clarity eventually just keep going with your head up. Also if you need someone to talk to the forum community is always here, there is also Q life who offers some free support for LGBTI call them anytime they would be happy to help you

i hope this helps

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi and welcome 🙂

I love that you painted your nails because you wanted to, and that it brought you happiness. It is hard and confusing when we’ve been conditioned by society to believe we have to fit into boxes, and we’re not sure where we fit.

It sounds like your daughter has given you a reason to explore your identity more fully, and I hope it’s been helpful to be able to express your thoughts here. Are you able to think of any particular reason why you may have felt teary lately?

Kind thoughts, Katy

[No_Idea]

Hi Katy,

I believe I felt teary as I don't know what the future holds for me and I don't know what I am at the moment. I got quite emotional when I live scenarios in my head.

I also woke up this morning not thinking about any of this, but as the morning drew on, the thoughts started coming back. Now I'm just listening to music because I can't focus on anything else at the moment. Basically my life the last 3 days

*sigh* I don't know

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi No_Idea

How would you feel about chatting to Qlife, as suggested, or even jumping on their website for a look? Do you think that’s something you’d find helpful?

Im sure things do feel a bit confusing and scary at the moment, but we are here to listen and support you.

Katy

[Jo8049]

Welcome to the forums no-idea .

Hugest hug !

No_Idea , your not alone , you probably feel isolated and alone but we are here .

I am older mtf trans and if you wish can I suggest that you visit the " Transcendent Rainbow Cafe " on this forum . Search in the magnifying glass for that . I started posting there and chatting on page 31 . Have documented most of my journey there . Bit off topic some times ?? I will keep checking here .

I had a huge event ( epiphany ) on 9/12/20 and Jo finally revealed . Had missed so many signposts in life . For me it is by far the best thing I have had in my life ❤ . please go & spend some time in TRC .

I post there nearly every morning and will be so happy to keep you company as you explore your journey , whatever and however it is .

Try to relax , my journey has been confusing & often conflicting but oh so worth it .

Much love and hugs , Jo ❤🐾💃🌈

[Aaronsis]

Hello No_Idea

I wanted to stop in and welcome you also and Jo beat me to it by inviting you to come over to the cafe and chat with us at anytime you like, if you like, here is the link:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/bb-social-zone/let's-chat-about-anything

Welcome and I hope that the wonderful support from this community can help make you feel comfortable and start embracing the you that calls you.

Hugs

Sarah xx

[Banksy92]

Hi No_idea,

I just wanted to add here that although you are feeling confused and teary, it's a positive thing that you are looking inward and thinking about who you and what you need. This can be a really emotional experience for all of us, as it's easy to put our needs aside and force ourselves to fit in with what others expect from us. But when we tune into ourselves and find the little moments of joy (like when you painted your nails) these are precious and we should explore them.

It's great to hear your family are understanding and that you want to set a positive example about identify for your daughter.

I agree with the other comments in this thread, that you may find similar stories to help you explore this at Q life.

Please keep sharing and opening up where ever you feel safe and comfortable, you're not alone and we're here to support you however we can.

[Taj_finn]

Hey,

Have you considered trying drag? Such a great way to express your self and explore your gender identity. I don't know much, but know there is always people around you to support you.

Xx

- T

[therising]

Hi No_Idea

I believe one of the most monumental things in life involves 'waking up' to who you naturally are. Can involve so many challenges. I've found waking up to be such a gradual process, discovering it's often the ongoing challenges which lead you to graduate to coming to know yourself much better.

For me, it was about 16 years ago that I suddenly came out of many years in depression. It felt like I'd just woken up to discover a deep longing to come to know myself, others and life naturally. Yes, I'm one of those 'woo woo' gals who seeks a better understanding of not just mental and physical aspects but also soulful aspects. It was very exciting until the challenges became too great and I didn't have a mentor to help me get through. I couldn't manage the challenges that came with being labelled as 'weird', 'ridiculous' (ridiculed as a joke), 'ignorant' and more. I suppressed my longing, in order to fit in, and gradually began to become depressed again. A few years ago, I met a spiritual coach, who changed my life and got me back on track.

The reason for me mentioning all this relates to how life can sometimes naturally go when we begin to wake up to who we truly are. You can begin to question who you are and who you are not. A lot of questioning. You graduate to coming to know yourself better this way. You can question others in order to gain a clearer perspective, perhaps getting a feel for whether you'll be accepted or rejected (aka 'The process of finding the tribe you best vibe with'). Questioning others in order to gain guidance can be another factor. Bit of a warning: While you may possess and open mind, you soon find the people who don't. With an open mind, be careful of what you let in. Anything that feels wrong must be questioned (degradation, ridicule, depressing stuff etc). Anything that feels right, let in and explore. Sounds like the nail polish feels right as it brings you joy, something you love to feel.

I've found there can be significant 'graduation' points which typically do involve a lot of tears. I've come to discover these happen when there's a part of myself I have to let go of, say goodbye to. One involved being challenged to let go of the fearful constant people pleaser in me, who I'd lived with the whole of my life. You can grieve as that sense of self dies off through ongoing sufferance (unable to please everyone). Then, the part of you that won't tolerate nonsense from anyone suddenly comes to life, in its place.

🙂