I came out this week.. but I'm married, trapped & living a lie

[b_l_u_e_b_e_l_l_]

I posted somewhere here about a year ago... about the idea of knowing I'm gay.. but trapped in a marriage with small children.

I came out this week.... to my oldest friend...to my therapist... and to another health professional.

They have all been super supportive and told me I have their support no matter what i do. The implications of leaving this marriage are huge though. I do love my husband and kids... I don't want to hurt anyone purely to pursue my own sexuality.

I've known for a long time .... but denied it and put it down to trauma experiences as a kid. But I've loved the same woman for 20 years... she's my soulmate. We can't be together... she will never come out even though she feels the same.

I'm living a lie. I can't imagine leaving my life as I know it behind. But I also can't fathom the idea of living out this lie for the rest of my life.

I have severe depression as it is... and right now my head is such a mess. I guess after all these years I just had to finally be honest with someone.

Thanks for listening...

[b_l_u_e_b_e_l_l_]

Thank you E... I can't imagine any of it has been easy for you. When you say you felt disconnected... this is me, all the time. I said it to my psych when I last saw her and she said it's because I'm so disconnected from myself.

What would she do if I ended the relationship? She would leave me alone... and disappear from my life if I wanted her to. She.. like your friend, doesn't want to be the one to end my marriage. She also won't have me if I do....

As for if it's just her.... she's the only other woman I've been in love with. I first felt different at about 12... and questioned what was wrong with me all through high school. I had crushes on girls but was so confused... I didn't understand whether I liked them or just wanted to be their friend. I had quite a lot of trauma in childhood and as a teen.... so I very much just wanted to be "normal" .... I guess that's ultimately why I found a good man and married him. I wanted kids.... and it was just unheard of back then for same sex couples to get married or have a family. Other than that... the only sexual attraction I feel is toward women.. It's always been that way as much as I've tried to deny it and be with men.

It's all so confusing right now. I think I've made the decision to stay with my family... but part of that makes me so very sad. There's so much grief.

[Esti67]

Hi Bluebell

May i ask how old you are and do you have any friends in the LGBTQI community? I am lucky that i have always worked in queer friendly environments so my own acceptance of what i percieve is normal and my own identity is easier. (Being same sex attracted is normal by the way, at least it is for me and many if us) I do understand that the fear of hatred is real though. I have catalogued the people i will lose after this, especially given that my husband is basically a saint. Everyone loves him and so do I. I do think that the important ones will remember that I'm still the same person with my funny little ways, occasional bad hair days who is decent and kind.

Perhaps the more you mix in the LGBTQI community and hear their stories you will see that whilst the journey ( i hate that word) can be tough it is fundamentally worth it because you will be happier. To echo rabbits words " It's about being true to yourself, so that you can be true to the ones you love and be the best you that you can possibly be. " Living an unhappy existence is bad for everyone and its actually not selfish to say you have needs, to live an authentic life. Darren also said it well about giving to everyone all your life and that its time to look after you. This is completely ok otherwise what will people remember about you? For me, i just hated feeling so stuck/paralysed/sad.

Have your family or friends noticed something is wrong? Putting on a mask everyday is hard work so they may actually be relieved to be able to see there is a reason for your sadness as hard as it will be initially to come out.

The other side is that a lot of people do live a closetted life because the alternative can be terrifying. It comes down to what you can live with. The woman you love is clear about this. But there are plenty of others out there in our situation. For me, I am leaving financial security and an essentially easy life for what may be a more difficult path but i need to make sure that if this is who i am that ive given it every chance. I am very lucky to have 2 very patient beautiful people beside me through this process.

Good luck, i hope you are being kind to yourself.

E

[b_l_u_e_b_e_l_l_]

Hi E.. thanks for staying in touch... I so much appreciate hearing your story.

I'm 36... and No, I have no one in my real world who is gay... I don't even know anyone (that I know of). I think that makes it harder... having no one to identify with- no one who "normalises" any of it for me.

My family and friends know something has been very wrong for me in the last couple of years. Last year I spent around 6 weeks in a psych unit due to severe depression. They don't really know it ... but I had a plan to end my life. I just couldn't see a way out of all of this mess.... that, on top of a lifetime of trauma and crippling anxiety & depression. I had ECT treatment which messed with my memory in a big way and didn't really help much.

So... they assume it's all about depression. I've managed to tell 2 friends recently that I think I'm gay and have considered what could happen if I stay/ leave my marriage. They've both been supportive but I feel like such a burden... I don't like to ask for help unless it's offered.

Like you... I would be leaving financial security- a home we've built and life we have made together. I guess I would find my way somehow.... but I'm so scared that in the pursuit of finding myself or being true to who I think I am, I would lose myself entirely and end up severely isolated and at huge risk of suicide.

At the moment... the future looks bleak, no matter which way i look at it. I guess it's a matter of figuring out which choices will cause the least amount of pain in the end. It's so very hard.

[Esti67]

Hi Bluebell,

Sorry that Ive taken a while to reply. Ive been away for a couple of days with my woman and have had a chance to see what life would be like living as an out lesbian with the woman i love and it was lovely. For this reason i want to stress to you that with the right person its worth it. To feel right, its worth it. I do however understand the sadness this creates for people that i love and whilst i have never been suicidal i have frequently felt the urge to just run. I miss my friend when im not with her and feel guilty when i am but have also accepted that the choice ive made is going to have a lot of consequences for me..... but it will pass.

I am so sorry to hear about your experiences with poor mental health from time to time. I am glad tho that you have a good team around you. Maybe these are good people to strategise coming out with? Alternatively, strategise about how to manage and find some way of moving past this so it doesn't ruin your life should you decide not to come out. I would also like to let you know as i said in my previous post that this is REALLY common. Its unfortunate you dont have a community you can talk with. Q LIFE or a womens health centre may be a good start. I hope you are ok, you sound like you are going through hell.

E

[Only_I_know]

Hey Bluebell, really glad that you are still posting on here. Doing so is such a big step, these forums were the first place I came to when I was at my lowest point. It's from talking about the emotional pain you are feeling that helps.

Esti and I, and a number of others have been supporting each other through each of our own stories - pretty much a mirror to yours - for months now, and I cannot stress how much it helped me. Like you, at the time I felt that there was absolutely no way that I was going to come out, end my 20 year marriage and leave my wonderful loving family. But I had only 2 choices, to do it or not, but the 2nd would mean that I wouldn't be here now - for that I am very sure.

My suggestion would be to seek a professional, look for a psychologist (and a gay one if you can - QLife may be able help you find one near you).

As Esti said, people coming out later in life has become so common. Unfortunately society and it's bigotry is what made us make the choice to be closeted. Thankfully, society has now recognised the error in this, that sexuality is as diverse as culture and people are, and has made big inroads to rectify the situation.

At almost 48, I can now be who I am. Unlike Esti, I'm still single and never experienced a same sex relationship, but hope that the future will be kind and one day I may meet someone.

Yes, separating does hurt the old bank balance, but in reality what is a bank balance going to do for me if I'm not around anyway? I still have my family, including my wife. I know that I am loved and supported - though I could never have dreamt in my wildest dreams, that I would be.

I truly hope things pick up for you. You are loved - the fact that your family and friends are still by you and asking proves that.

We're also here for you.

I like to think that 2019 will be a wonderful year for all of us.

Esti, really, really glad that you are sounding quite positive. And so happy that you are spending some quality time with your woman! (YOUR WOMAN!!! - good on you!)

Daz

[b_l_u_e_b_e_l_l_]

Thank you guys.... it's so hard.

I'm so depressed right now.

My girlfriend/ lover is staying with us at the moment.... complicated I know. She and hubby get along so well. It's really twisted in lots of ways... and makes me feel so bad.

We've had the opportunity to spend some time alone together and it's been passionate and amazing and it just feels as natural as breathing does.

She's about to go away again though.... she lives quite a distance away. I don't know when we will see each other next. It's so hard. We are so in love but cant find a way to be together properly.

We went out the other day and held hands in public... we both have short hair etc... so people would have been making assumptions. I love the idea that people would assume we are a couple. I hate the idea that we can't be... not really anyway.

Anyway... I have No one else to talk to about her.... about the infidelity.... about the impossible choices I'm faced with... so thanks for listening.

[Esti67]

Hi Bluebell,

This must be excruciating for you, even though spending time with your lover must be wonderful. I do know the sadness that comes with leaving her after having spent beautiful days together. My husband and lover know eachother well also and we've been having conversations more recently about the impact of how this is for the three of us. They have yet to see eachother since all this started. It will be very awkward but we will be ok because none of us want to cause drama.

How the hell are you two keeping this up? I recently spent time with her kids who don't know but it was impossible to not touch. Even the way we look at eachother, lean in etc, its so obvious. If your husband twigged to the two of you, would you come out? I think you are in such a tricky situation as even if this happened, your lover wants the status quo. Just make sure that this situation isnt making you more depressed. See your psychologist if you need to and keep checking in here if it makes you feel better. Look after yourself.

E

[b_l_u_e_b_e_l_l_]

I'm back again.

I thought about starting a new thread... but it would be pointless - because it's the same thing. I'm just feeling so lonely and frustrated right now.

I wish I could come out properly without consequence.... it would be such a relief, so freeing. I'm tired of living a life that is for show... and denying who I am or could be for the sake of others. But that feels so selfish... and I'm not that person. I don't want to split up my family. I chose them... and I continue to choose them because it feels like the only option I can live with. Suicide seems like the only true way out of this mess. I have no current intention... but the thoughts are there constantly.

I recently spent some time with my girlfriend... if that's what I can call her. I've been with her longer than my husband... over 20 years now. I wish I could call her my wife... my lover... something else. But girlfriend seems generally accepted and doesn't need to convey sexual tendencies... unless people read into it. Anyway... the time was brief, but wonderful. I miss her so much... my heart aches so intensely for her. I wish it was different.

There's no real solution to any of this mess.... I just needed to "talk". Thanks for listening.

[Esti67]

Hi B.l.u.e.b.e.l.l,

I'm so glad you posted here again. I've been wondering how you have been going. I think there are consequences for everything we do and it may be hard initially but in time things really do ease. I've pushed through the really hard stuff ( much more to come tho) and i am sitting in bed with a cup of tea in my own place. I moved house yesterday and emotionally its been huge. My kids, particularly my daughter are still unhappy with me but its livable and i believe we will in time all be ok. I'm not that stressed out, disengaged person that everyone was walking on eggshells around. And guess what, i can chat to my girl any time i like, pop over to hers without explaining where i am, and just.....breathe.

I am so sorry that your situation is so terrible. It sounds similar to mine but very different in lots of ways. You may be surprised, you may get some good support, especially in echoing Darren's story - that he like you saw suicide as the only way out of this. No one wants you dead, seriously, i do believe that people will see the amount of pain you are in and get it. Even if they dont it doesn't actually matter. Your sexuality is integral to who you are and you owe it to yourself to live the most full and beautiful life you can. I, like you have the idea that family is everything but so is identity. Please make sure you talk you someone if you need to.

Keep posting

E

[Only_I_know]

Hey Bluebell

Yes, I know exactly how you are feeling - it was exactly how I felt about this time last year. My trouble's started in February, where I constantly thought about my sexuality, the pain I was in was debilitating. All I thought about - all day - every day, was ending it, and that was for almost 4months. I honestly don't know how I pulled through.

But I did, and Esti is right - your story echo's mine. I've been married for 20 years last april - very happily married, loving etc etc. we thought we were each others "forever" person. If I could have ignored who I was, then I would have, but I couldn't and it took me down that terrible path.

fortunately my wife is an angel, my hero - and I will forever love her. she saw how hurting I was and all she wanted was for me to be happy and healthy - and alive. She actually told me that she would never have forgiven me if I had done something stupid. That I would have stolen from her the opportunity for her to help me through my pain, even though that it meant the end of our marriage.

Please, don't think this way - it does not do you any good at all. Please go and talk to someone - a psychologist or therapist etc. Go to a Dr and get a Mental Health care plan. Google Qlife and call them, they can recommend a psych or therapist that is Gay friendly and they will be able to provide you with a great deal of clarity.

I have split my family up - my loving kids and my wife are still very much a part of my life. I see them several times every week. My wife still rings me for advice, or just to say hello or invite me to dinner. we've agreed to even go out a couple of times a month for dinner or movie. She has become my best friend (or rather - remained my best friend).

I'm now living on my own, and it is hard. I have great friends who help me, and of course still have my loving family.

I've realised that the world doesn't end, families don't implode but the pain does dwindle to a much more bearable and containable part of my life.

Please take care

Daz