I came out this week.. but I'm married, trapped & living a lie

[b_l_u_e_b_e_l_l_]

I posted somewhere here about a year ago... about the idea of knowing I'm gay.. but trapped in a marriage with small children.

I came out this week.... to my oldest friend...to my therapist... and to another health professional.

They have all been super supportive and told me I have their support no matter what i do. The implications of leaving this marriage are huge though. I do love my husband and kids... I don't want to hurt anyone purely to pursue my own sexuality.

I've known for a long time .... but denied it and put it down to trauma experiences as a kid. But I've loved the same woman for 20 years... she's my soulmate. We can't be together... she will never come out even though she feels the same.

I'm living a lie. I can't imagine leaving my life as I know it behind. But I also can't fathom the idea of living out this lie for the rest of my life.

I have severe depression as it is... and right now my head is such a mess. I guess after all these years I just had to finally be honest with someone.

Thanks for listening...

[Rabbit33]

Hi b.l.u.e.b.e.l.l.

I feel for you, i really do! I am gay also and firstly there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with being gay at all! It's a huge thing coming to terms with and i respect you dearly for making the decision to confront it and open up about it. You will see that in time it will become so much easier as sexuality is a part of your identity. it's not about pursuing sexual desire over loving your family. It's about being true to yourself, so that you can be true to the ones you love and be the best you that you can possibly be. When i came out, i was absolutely TERRIFIED! I had been in a relationship for 3 and a half years with a female and left her to be with (now my ex boyfriend) but 99% of the people in my life were so supporting, i think i only cried happy tears. It was the scariest and best thing i have ever done. But that is my experience.

My father is also gay and had 2 ex-wives and multiple kids to both. And although the dynamics of my family is one similar if not more complicated than the brady bunch haha. All of us kids are happy, my Father is Happy, my mother is happy. And any sad times in any of our lives, are not a result of my fathers sexuality and i know that i can turn to either parent and they will be there for me. Because that's what really matters. Don't feel pressured to do anything you don't want to, but know that if you do, and when that time comes. You will have A LOT of support behind you! You'll always love your kids and so, your sexuality is a totally separate thing and its a beautiful, so don't feel guilty.

Wishing you all the best! And welcome to the LGBTQ community. Keep smiling! 🙂

[Only_I_know]

Hey Bluebell

as Rabbitt33 says, there is nothing wrong with you being gay. I was married for 20 years to a wonderful, beautiful woman - my best friend - and hid who I was for my entire life - never exploring my sexuality. I lived as a straight man, never investigating this side of me. Eventually it took it's toll, I too got depressed, it took me to the lowest point in my life where I questioned my existence and found out the hard way that the police don't like you doing certain unsafe things at 1 o'clock in the morning.

I ended up coming out to my wife back in May - I was fortunate that she was extremely loving and supportive, and continues to be. I moved out of the family home, away from her and my 2 kids. I see them a great deal, have them over for dinner or breakfast and the kids stay. I only live 8mins by car from them so is all good.

I created a thread - Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay - it has become a very long thread with quite a few people joining it and adding their story.

It is a scary time, but I can promise you it gets so much better. The weight of the world is no longer on my shoulders, I no longer crave an ending, and am generally happy. Of course I miss going home to my family, but they will always be there, they love me to death. I still give my (former) wife hugs and kisses.

So after 47 years, I can be my true self, and it is so liberating. For 47 years "Only I knew" and it blows my mind now to think that a whole load of people now know that I am gay. And no one cares. All that my family and friends care about is my health and happiness.

Your sexuality doesn't define you, but it has contributed to who you are today. Now is the time for you - you've taken care of everyone else's feelings and lives for long enough - now take care of you!

You don't need to leave your life behind, but it will change, there will be challenges, but you needn't lose the ones you love most.

There is an organisation called Q-life - google them. they are a peer based phone support for LGBTQ+. They can recommend a LGBT friendly psychologist - they did for me and he has helped me to no end. Helped me rid myself of the self loathing, disgust, hatred and shame. I no longer carry any of these burdens, and all this in just 7 months.

I can't say it will be easy as there are challenges, but with the right support you will get through it and be all the better for it.

Continue chatting here if it helps.

Good luck!

Darren

[b_l_u_e_b_e_l_l_]

Thank you so much for your responses Rabbit and Darren. I so appreciate your time and thoughts.

Darren, I have read through your post. It is comforting to know I'm not the only one stuck in this situation...it does give me hope that it wont always be this hard.

I just don't think I can make any decisions right now.. maybe not ever - but I'm definitely not ready to come out properly.

Another complication in all of this is that we are a christian family... attend church.. and I work in a religious environment too. I would literally be going against almost every person I know's own religious views - let alone my own (that's another story entirely). Pretty much everyone in my world as I know it would HATE me... and quite frankly I could hardly blame them. I'd probably also be encouraged if not forced out of my job. I wouldn't know what to do.

I have a mental health team who look after me - and they are willing to support whatever decision I make... but it's hard. I've had a relationship with a woman on and off for about 20 years...the same woman. I've only been married 10. I know it isn't right. We're trying to put a stop to things. She's my soulmate but I can't have her. It's so so hard.

Anyway... thanks again - I appreciate you reaching out.

[Rabbit33]

I think you may be surprised by some of the people in your life, that they will adjust and love you nonetheless.

Those who 'may' have a different view and as you say will end up hating you. Well those are the type of people you probably don't need in your life anyway. People's opinions shouldn't dictate who we are or who we love.

You are your own person and you will see that the area's of your life that may or will change, will also welcome new people into your life and replace those that left. This happens in life all the time so i wouldn't let it hold you back from being true to yourself. The same goes for work. I know it's not easy but if you do have to leave for whatever reason, it may be a blessing in disguise and open up new opportunities for you that you are or become very passionate about. It could end up being quite an exciting time for you!

You just have to try and focus on the positive parts of it all and if for some reason you become overwhelmed, scared, anxious or depressed, just remind yourself of what those positives are and imagine what they look like. Also make sure you do reach out to your support group as they will be there for you. Just remember you don't have to do this alone and to take as much time as you need in doing whatever you feel is right.

Sending you positive vibes!

[Only_I_know]

Howdy b.l.u.e.b.e.l.l., I hear and understand what you are saying.

I'm not religious by any means, so can only guess at what you are saying, however as Rabbit33 says, you will probably be surprised at what your loved ones say or think. They know you for who you are - a good person, with a good heart. No doubt they will be confused and conflicted, but if they care for you as much as they profess to, they will probably come to terms with the truth.

This isn't something that you have just decided to do, you know to your core that you were always this way. I did, but the fear of rejection from family, friends and society in general prevented me from coming out when younger. Oh - how I wish that I did! But then, I probably wouldn't have had the wonderful family that I now have. If I was of faith - I would probably say that I had followed the path that had been set for me, and now the path has changed?

I'm guessing from your post that you work in the religious community, whether it be at a school or church etc, and I'm aware of the debate in NSW with some schools wanting the ability to terminate Gay teachers and turn away gay students. It makes me angry that there even needs a debate, and not really angry at the school, but just for the reason that there needs one.

Bottom line is, you know who you are. It is NOT wrong - you cannot help being who you are. You should not have to be in the pain that you are, just because others don't like it.

Don't rush to make any decisions you are not ready to. Keep talking to those that you have confided in, don't give up on yourself or your soulmate. Life is way to short to live in pain. Your life is yours to live, it doesn't belong to anyone else.

Anyway, keep chatting here if you need to, I'll be around and there are plenty of others who care as well. I may not always post the same day, but I do check at least every couple of days, so hang in there.

Take care, and remember to smile at all the little things.

Cheers

Daz

[Esti67]

Hi bluebell,

I posted about my dilemma which has similarities to yours a while back. I found the support on these forums incredibly helpful and it helped to validate what i was feeling and to make a decision about whether i stay closeted in my marriage or accept my identity and come out.

I feel for you. I have been in a straight marriage for 28 years to a wonderful man. I have 2 adult children. I have also been attracted to women on and off during this time ( for about 20 years) and for reasons I'm not clear about earlier this year these feelings resurfaced and didnt go away. I felt that life is short and that i owed it to myself to see if being with a woman worked for me. I came out to my husband and he was shocked, very sad but supportive. We agreed that i could explore this and i did, with a friend who is an out lesbian that I've always had a little thing for. Things escalated very quickly and we are in love and planning a life together, albeit a very complicated one. I am now at the point where i am going to tell my kids and i am terrified that they will hate me so i completely understand where you are coming from. This is the only thing i think about and cannot wait to move out but need to be as gentle as i can. In terms of my decision making ( because leaving behind the life you have is huge, overwhelming and terrifying ) i kept thinking that family is the most important thing but i think identity and happiness are as important. I have wavered between staying and leaving but decided to leave based on how unhappy and resentful i would be if i stayed in my marriage even though i love my husband very much. This would be unfair to everyone. Am i nervous ? hell yes but I'm also excited at the new life that awaits me.

I am very sorry that you and the woman you have been with can't be together. Its been a long time and the social pressure for the both of you is. A blog i read was called "a late life lesbian story" some of the stories on there were great and they gave tips on coming out to partners, kids, how you identified you were gay etc. Have a read, it might help you to sort through everything you are feeling. You are definately not alone in this, there are many of us out there, most lesbians i know have been married at some point, just make sure you dont beat yourself up through this process, life's already hard enough. Good luck

E

[b_l_u_e_b_e_l_l_]

Thank you both for your kind thoughts and words. Sorry it's taken a while to get back here.... it's hard with a house full of people to get any privacy, especially over Christmas..

I'm still really confuse d... and hurting. I've spoken with my "friend" on and off about what to do with our situation. It's been over 20 years of on again off again and *trying* to do the right thing by my husband. She has emphatically told me though that she will not be coming out..end of story. As for me... It's up to me whether or not I want to come out and leave my family but it won't be to be with her.

I'm devastated to know that while I would consider turning my entire world completely upside down for her, she wouldn't do the same for me. I've no doubt she loves me.... but I guess I just love her more.

So I guess that's my decision taken out of my hands..... There's no point in destroying my family. Maybe it's for the best. I don't know... I'm so confused.

I hope that you've had a lovely Christmas & break if you've had one. Thanks so much for your support here..

[b_l_u_e_b_e_l_l_]

Thank you E! It's so comforting to hear from others who are or have been in the same boat.

Being able to come out to your husband must have been an enormous undertaking.. and I can only imagine what it will be like to tell your kids too.

It sounds as though things are working out in your new relationship though which is wonderful.

I've done, and continue to do a lot of grieving over the life I'll never have with my lover. We will never make a home together or wake up together... never get to do the things that normal couples do. We're trying to make the break from on again off again lovers to just friends... best friends - which is what we've masqueraded as for all these years anyhow. I don't know if it will work...but we have to try. It's either this or nothing... I can't keep up this affair. I'm just so sad for the life we will never get to live.... but have to be grateful I still have her at all. I really resent that things were so different 20 or so years ago. Had we been in the same situation now, who knows what might have happened... society has a long way to go but it has truly come so far in that time.

Anyway... thanks for listening. It does make me feel less alone in it all.

[Esti67]

Thanks Bluebell,

Yes, coming out to my husband was the scariest thing i have had to do. I found that, like so many others in their posts on these forums, i had to because i was feeling physically and mentally unwell, i wasn't sleeping, was disconnected at work and home. I felt like i was living a lie. My friend and i started off very casual but it became obvious quickly there was something more. My husband whilst heart broken has realised that if i stay with him and remain unhappy then everyone loses. I guess i should add that when things became complicated with my friend she basically stayed away for a couple of months which devastated me. She didn't want to be responsible for breaking up my marriage. It was actually a good thing because it forced me to really think that if i out myself i may well not end up with her. I weighed up whether it was still worth it. As sad as i felt i still pushed forward because i know in my heart as much as i adore my family and the life i live, I'm physically and sexually attracted to women. Luckily things are working out for us but its not without it's challenges. The guilt is sometimes very difficult to manage but i look ahead and hope that in time we heal ( my husband knows my friend ) and have some kind of good relationship.

I'm wondering if the pull towards women is as strong for you or if you are in love with your friend and no one else? For me, it was instant when i first had sex with my friend and the fact that i look at women and think " i would definitely hit on you in a bar" that confirmed it.

I think you both have a lot of stamina to keep your affair secret for so long. Its such hard work and emotionally draining. I feel sad for your broken heart. What would she do if you called it quits? It sounds like you need a break from the sadness this is creating. Its a hard road but wont always be this way. Thats what i hope anyway.

E