How to defuse arguments when he is in a bad, abusive mood

[Brandy123]

I am the gay carer for my partner of many , many years who has had Aschemic strokes over the last 8 years.

Have seen a councillor a while ago who wanted to put me on sedatives and I thought how can I look after my partner while I’m sedated !!

i am looking especially for suggestions or tactics to defuse arguments that accure when he is in a bad , abusive mood . Right now, all I can say is sorry and walk to another room or go on Facebook. He is on sedatives, but has limited effectiveness.

All suggestions appreciated

[demonblaster]

Hi Brandy welcome

I give credit to you walking away, wouldn't be an easy thing to do, well done.

Can see your point about being on sedatives and caring could be tricky, shame they're not helping for your partner.

I"m here for support for you if you want to talk more.
Have you talked to him about how it makes you feel when he gets like that, I know strokes can be very frustrating but not good for you being on the receiving end of anger. Would no doubt be pulling you down

Do you think it would help if he saw someone to help him through his feelings.

Hope to see you again
All best in a hard situation

[Croix]

Dear Brandy~
Trying to look after someone you love when they have had strokes is a most difficult thing to do, not only the day to day practical difficulties but also if there has been damage then seeing the person you knew so well in a lesser state.

I think your partner is most fortunate to have you.

Now you said you had been to a councilor before, however that may have been to treat the effects of ill feeling on you. Do you think it might be more appropriate for your partner to be receiving counseling and/or therapy to help reduce the anger and promote concern for you? Sedatives might not be all that is needed.

As for how to deal with the anger, I suspect after this length of time you are as skilled as anyone and if you have found walking away an option it might be the best, I don’t know.

Obviously remaining calm yourself is a positive as it does not allow the situation to escalate. In my own view not being a doormat is important too, while not arguing letting the other person know you have needs and boundaries as well.

Listening to the other, and maybe repeating it back for confirmation will show you are at least listening and not ignoring, which can again exacerbate matters. If the anger is only directed at you – as the easiest target – is it possible to identify the underlying causes and discuss them at a later date?

All these are general type strategies as I don’t know your partner and it does take personal knowledge. I find with my own partner simply not taking it seriously and smiling has (after a further explosion or two) a beneficial effect and cuts the whole matter short into a more friendly atmosphere.

What you have not talked about here is the effect these incidents have on you. The whole scene must be very upsetting in the first place, and to have to face anger on top will have profound effect on you, even perhaps leading you to doubt yourself.

Do you have strategies in place to distract yourself at these times, perhaps with activities you enjoy, that give you reward and are things you can look forward to?

I doubt a couple of posts is going to solve everything, but can be a start. Please talk some more

Croix

[Brandy123]

Hi Demonblaster, during the first round of counciling conducted 3 yrs ago, my partner could not understand ( due to his strokes) how he was contributing to the problem. He understands he has had 2 strokes but as predicted by the specialists, he will not make the connection. As example , during his second stroke while on an international flight, he did not believe he was having one , but the doctor on board confirmed it.

so I have decided to see a councillor with gay experience to ask for tactical messures that I could employ to divert a situation from developing.

treating him with more respect, starting sentences like “how are you”, and “may I” or “ do you mind” etc seem to illicit a better response, although, sometimes an all out explosive reaction can occur simply because I asked permission to change the TV channel, as an example.

Because he claimed I was trapping and controlling him regarding his driving, he now has his own little car, but he wants me to sit with him. Ok, the minute I say watch out for the car on your left , I’m told to shut up , so I am no longer “controlling” as long as I shut up .

Still working on how to be around him when he attempts to cook, but not be in his way and be told to get lost ! When that happens I have found it easier to say “ok” and leave, then when something goes round I do get a bit revengeful and say “ well YOU did tell me to get lost didn’t you”

later on, I find he does know he has overstepped a boundary and goes quiet.i will offer to make him a cup of coffee and I will say “ are you over your tantrum now” ? He doesn’t reply .

i need more help with tense situations such as the racist or inappropriate comments at shopping centres where he isn’t able to keep his thoughts to himself.

i have thought of installing a camera in case he has an accident where it is not his fault.

[Brandy123]

Hi Croix, I enjoy computer games as a way of creating space between my partner and I, is this what you mean. It is a high end computer , I just have to find the latest games now. Yes, I do make the effort to smile at my partner when I ask him “ how are you feeling”, he respons well to that.

As for me , I have gone from having what I call the odd bad day to now waking up thinking “ ok what’s in store today”

i find I’m not wanting to take him with me to the shopping centres, which I know is wrong and I force myself to do it.

i have had 2 rounds of major surgery this yr , and I suspect this might not be helping my feelings as well.

I don’t think the rules allow me to mention the drugs I was on or my surgery’s so I won’t temp fate .

He keeps wanting to prove that he can cope with everyday things, but I have seen the MIR scans and he has lost part of the brain the size of an orange, so he gets tired mentally, quickly, and I suspect that causes the irritability as well, which I will ask the councillor about .

This would be the reason I guess he sleeps so much, does little around the house and has pointed out to me that Centrelink pays you to do it ! That one was hard to take, I will admit. I have gone from being a loving partner in his eyes to just a servent - He nearly wore a fry pan for that comment which actually scared me that I might do that.The Specialists told me at the beginning, that a lot of what he will say is not your partner speaking, but the strokes, it’s like a monster inside my partner, waiting to pounce.

So, I relized Council time is needed for me

[geoff]

hi Brandy, it's very hard for anyone to look after someone who suffers from a MI but to look after someone who has had a stroke is definitely frightening, because you don't know what's going to happen next or listen that they are capable of doing something which maybe beyond their limits.

Everything they try and do is a test they set out to achieve, but what happens is that they expect their body to react to what their mind tells them to do, sometimes with success and many times they aren't able to do to it, which in turn annoys them and start to get cross with themselves and with you.

Whether or not Centrelink helps pay is certainly not the issue, you are there to help him over his stroke, even though he believes he is capable, and that's where the argument goes in, he won't be able to try and do everything he used to do at the moment, this could change, but that's in the future, but where his frustration starts.

Counselling for yourself is definitely needed, now you are having to change your life and mentally this would affect us all. Geoff.

[quirkywords]

Brandy,

I just want to say what an amazing and caring person you are and what a difficult situation you are doing. On top of your responsibilities you have your own health issues .

DB, Croix and Geoff have given helpful comments.

I was wondering if there is a carers group nearby you could contact as even though the other carers would have different issues, it may be helpful to talk to someone who has some understanding of what you are coping with.They have have few suggestions of how to diffuse the anger .

Thatis just a thought and may not be suitable for you but let me know your thoughts if you like.

That is interesting what the specialist said as when my mum had Dementia people would say that is not her talking it is the dementia which helped in a way , but you still hear those hurtful words when all you are ding is trying to help. It is so frustrating and sometime walking away is one way to cope.

Thanks for sharing your story honestly as it well help other people as well.

Quirky

[Doolhof]

Hi Brandy123,

Congratulations to you for staying with your partner when no doubt thoughts must have crossed your mind to walk out. You are to be commended for staying and trying to help your partner have a quality of life. I guess the thing is for you to find a balance and have quality of life for yourself as well.

I too was going to suggest a support group, a link with fellow carers or maybe even some respite care for a few hours once a week, a fortnight or what ever you might be able to arrange. A friend of mine places her husband in an activity centre once a week, gives her time to play tennis and he is well cared for, entertained and is with other people.

Regarding the information you can share here, it is quite okay to mention medical procedures and surgeries, just not medications. (To the best of my knowledge that is correct)

Walking away and not saying anything is amazing! I wish I had the ability to do that at times! I too understand the thoughts that flash through our minds in unreasonable circumstances where a frying pan connecting to a head seems like a good idea at the time!

Maybe you can work on ways to defuse that possible anger and frustration (which is understandable). Maybe some stress balls to throw at the wall (no damage done that way) a pillow to punch, or for less aggressive approaches, writing down how you are feeling or drawing pictures to get the resentment out.

None of this may work for you, but finding options that do will be beneficial.

Relationships at the best of times can be difficult, when there are health issues added, it can be difficult. I hope you find some support there along with the care and support you are receiving here.

All the best from Dools

[Croix]

Dear Brandy123~

I have not had to deal with continual unreasoning anger from a partner but probably have something as upsetting in its way. In both cases the partner has not been the person they were before.

My late wife spent a long time in hospital before she passed away and her mental state fluctuated form normal to long periods dazed and confused. It really was heart-breaking for example to see the competent intelligent person I'd known for 25 years fumble aimlessly with an oxygen mask and not know what to do with it.

I made a sort of mental defense, making myself consciously think there were in fact two different people. This actually worked to some extent (I had many month to get used to this idea) and let me divorce my feelings from the lesser being's deficiencies.

Your telling of that revengeful remark reminded me how wound up I used to get. Perhaps this might be a way of not taking the anger, rudeness and general dismissive attitude to heart quite so much.

Croix

[white knight]

Hi Brandy

Please google

Topic: relationship strife? The peace pipe- beyondblue

Its a remedy my wife and I came up with and works for us.

Tony WK