Looking for help.. is this the right place?

[StarOcean]

Hi guys,

ill start by saying I've never really posted on anything like this but would appreciate some feedback and advice..

Im 25, male, gay.

For the last 5 years I have been taking medication I have also been seeing a psychologist for around 5 months now (fortnightly sessions generally)

I have almost given up with my psychologist as I keep feeling like I haven't done the homework and stuck to the tasks he gives me - we are doing cognitive behaviour therapy. I feel like I need to go in every time I see him with good news like I'm getting better, but I'm not.

i initially got on medication which initially made me feel great and it gave me a get up and go attitude, I was almost never anxious and I didn't want to just lay in bed all day. Things have happened now, I've come to terms with my sexuality finally and Im happy with it. I've had some really poor choices in partners, meth addicts, alcoholic, cheaters. I've been beaten by one of them, another gave me an STD and I started using drugs. I've moved on from those. I moved back into my parents home as I was drinking too much by myself and couldn't save any money.

I can't help shaking this feeling of complete loneliness, sadness and overwhelming anxiety. People think I'm completely ok and doing well but my head is always racing, I've been working on "awareness" but all it's made me see is how much my thoughts race and notice my insecurities even more.

I feel like the only time I can be happy is when I'm bringing other people down... I'm so judgemental. When did I become such a horrible person?

I'm such a negative person I don't have a lot of friends or people in my life.

I can't even bring myself to talk about this with my doctor or therapist. I just go in and smile and act like everything is okay so they don't think I'm crazy.. Then I bring myself home to lay in bed until the day starts all over again.

I have so much trouble talking to people, the most anyone sees me talk is making a sarcastic nasty remark or it's via text message.

I feel like the gay community rejects me for not being promiscuous and queeny enough.

I feel like the straight community sees me as "gay (my name)" like I'm a token or something.

I wish I had someone I could talk about this with? I don't want people to think I'm attention seeking though

where do I go from here? Nothing is working. I'm depressed, lonely and too worried about what others will think of me if I tell them how I feel?

[Bethie]

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/permalink/qmOTi3HzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

This is the link we have here or just type in gay to the search.

I suppose I'm replying dispite being straight because I want you to know your not alone. Sound like your making more positive choices than bad choices but are scared of being hurt so either put the fake face on to keep people off your case or try and push them away.

Anyone who ever makes you feel less than happy can quiet frankly kiss where the sun don't shine. You wouldn't worry what others thought if you where a nasty person. Being a good person you feel bad about some of your actions.

You'll be ok..keep posting only way is up 😊😊

[MsPurple]

Hi StarOcean and welcome to the forums.

I thought I should suggest the sexuality and gender identity section of the forums. Please copy and paste the link here below. As part of this section there is a rainbow cafe which is a social thread and a question section specifically for LGBT+ members.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/sexuality-and-gender-identity

Like yourself I also struggled with sexuality. It took me a while to talk about it with someone and to come to terms with myself being bisexual. I wished i could be straight or gay however this wasn't me and denying that made me hate a part of myself and in turn this causes self hatred to brew inside. Once I had accepted it it made me not hate myself which helped me deal fully with my depression. It is really good you have accepted this part of you as this is a step that you need to take to deal with your depression and anxiety.

I know what it's like to hold back when talking to dr and psychologists. You are scared that you are 'not unwell enough' or you are 'crazy' (hate that word). I really want to encourage you to not hold back and tell them how you really feel. Even though I consider myself well, I had started to get more depressed recently and I told my doctor. Mental health is like the weather. It can still rain and we have to deal with it, it can't be sunny all the time, but it is also ok to have rain, just have the tools in place to help deal with it and your gp can really help with that (they can give you an umbrella to keep this metaphor going). I tell my doctor when I am going well and when i am going through a rough patch. they understand that this is normal part of the journey. I also tell my psychologist. It is ok to go two steps forward one step back. It can be frustrating but it is reality. I suggest really trying to be honest with them and letting them know how you are actually going. Also if you feel like you are not connecting well with your psychologist this is ok. You can ask your gp to refer to another psychologist as part of your mental health plan. i have had to do this before. Sometimes we just don't click with certain people.

Hope this has been helpful. Also hope to see you in the rainbow cafe

[marcus_c]

Hi StarOcean,

I can identify with that feeling of not fitting in anywhere. When the need to be accepted gets desperate, it can lead to some poor choices, and we can find ourselves putting up with anything (drug addicts, sex addicts, alcoholics) in order to feel loved. At the heart of it, we don't think we deserve better for ourselves. And it's not surprising, that so many of us feel like this, because society sends you messages every day telling you that being gay is not normal.

I think the sarcastic front you've developed is to protect yourself. You lash out with the nasty remarks to reject others before they can reject you and reinforce your loneliness.

How do you break out of that? It's a hard, slow process of learning to trust people again, and that starts with being honest with your therapist about how you are really tracking. Starting be being honest, so you can start having the important conversations about the kind of person you want to be, without labels to get in the way. There is no one way to be gay.