Married but feeling like a fraud....

b_l_u_e_b_e_l_l_ · ‎05-12-2017

Thanks for reading.. I'm feeling really alone and confused and just thought this would be a safe space to air some thoughts.

I've been married for 10 years... we have 3 beautiful children together. I suffer from severe depression and anxiety and have been in crisis this year but feel I'm recovering from the worst of it

I'm here though because I feel like a fraud. I was in a relationship with a woman from roughly age 15 -20 on and off. I loved her...she was my soul mate. I had strong feelings for other girls from the time I was about 12... but never told anyone. I have a trauma history and wonder whether that has had an impact on my sexuality. I find intimacy with my husband extremely difficult... but can't find a way of saying it's because I'm not typically attracted to men .. it would break his heart.. and I can't do that.

I got married for the wrong reasons... to be "normal" ... to fulfil my dreams of being a parent and to escape my awful home life. I feel awful thinking about how much my husband loves me and how little he knows about all. We have tried relationship therapy after we lost our daughter a few years back... and have tried again recently.... but I can't be totally honest with them.

The whole SSM debate has been really hard for me... feeling like I'm living a lie... feeling really envious of people who have come out and are living their lives to potential. It's such a different and more safe climate now than it was 20 years ago. My husband and his family are all very conservative and would have all voted no... no one knows I voted yes.

I'm not going to leave my husband. I said my vows and I meant them. I just need to find a way to live with myself knowing I can never really be free to be who I am.

Paullus · ‎05-12-2017

You sound like a woman of substance b.l.u.e.b.e.l.l who has dealt with adversity in your life from an early age and found refuge in marriage. I too was engaged to be married because I wanted to be "normal" and didn't understand my same sex attraction. But ultimately I couldn't go through with it for both our sakes. But that was me. I empathize with you in terms of feeling like you are living a lie as you have a lot at stake. You love your husband and your children but perhaps feel unfulfilled in other aspects of your life. It is sad when circumstances prevent us from being the person we really are and I feel for you in your predicament. Is it possible for you to confide in your husband of your underlying feelings without any threat of leaving the relationship. Would he be able to understand you and your hidden feelings? I wish you well b.l.u.e.b.e.l.l and trust you can navigate your way through the risk of revelation.

Just Sara · ‎06-12-2017

Welcome bluebell to our caring community;

It takes courage to write about your pain, especially on a public forum. You've made a huge step in addressing your issues; thank goodness for anonymity eh. Well done B!

Paul's summarised your story nicely. (Thankyou P) It does seem a 'caught between a rock and hard place' situation. I'm wondering what your priority is though as there are a few quite distinct issues in play.

For me, it's your mental health and getting your mind strong, which in turn provides a solid base to work from when facing problems. Are you receiving professional support from your GP? (Medication)

You've stated you and your husband have done couples therapy, but to me, and I say this with the deepest respect, this is your issue not his. Yes, it has a residual effect, but first and foremost it's what lies beneath 'your' surface that requires exploring.

I'm suggesting you find a psychologist to work on personal issues that can't be dealt with as a couple. Your husband sounds like a good man, and I'm sure he'd support your need for individual therapy. Have you disclosed anything in the past to a psych?

Also, please look around the links below. BB has info sheets and suggestions to online sites that may give you more options at this time.

I came out late in life (50's) previously married with one adult child. I felt a shift that gave peace, lifting my shame and confusion. The main problem was worrying about 'others'; what they'd say or how it'd affect relationships - denying myself acceptance.

Like you, I questioned childhood trauma as the cause. I tried rationalising things to 'repair' or 'fix' myself to fit in with social and familial norms. I realised it didn't matter, I am who I am regardless of past influences.

I look forward to hearing from you bluebell. Please keep in contact as communicating with like-minded souls might just shed some light. Hopefully in the form of your own words.

Take care hun;

Sez

Birdy77 · ‎06-12-2017

Dear bluebell,

It is so wonderful that you've found this safe space to air your thoughts and feelings.

As Paullus said, it is such a hard place to be in when our circumstances prevent us from being our true selves, loud and proud.

This period of the SSM survey etc must have been really hard for you. Especially knowing that your husband and his family are very conservative and probably voted no.

My heart goes out to you.

I really think talking to a cousellor that you feel safe with could help you immensely, to find the path to your own truth and work out the way that you want to go forward. Maybe through your local women's health centre? I used a phone counselling service specially for lesbians when i needed to find a safe talking space a few years back, it really helped.

And continue writing your thoughts out here. You have support, care and listening ears here bluebell. I think talking will help you to

You are a strong and courageous person, and thank you for sharing your story.

Go gently with yourself.

🌻🌻🌻 birdy

b_l_u_e_b_e_l_l_ · ‎06-12-2017

Thanks Paullus for your reply... I really appreciate it.

Sadly my husband is just revolted by the idea of same sex attraction and very clear in his beliefs about it all. I have referred to "girl crushes" in the past to see how that would go and he doesn't really respond at all. I think it would have to be an all or nothing conversation.. and I can't see that I'll ever have courage to do it.

I just kinda feel stuck.. and that feels almost wrong because I have a "nice" life that I am grateful for given many of the things that have happened to me... but I'm never going to be free and I have to find a way to live with that I guess.

b_l_u_e_b_e_l_l_ · ‎06-12-2017

Thank you so much Sara & Birdy...

It's such a relief to be able to tell someone this stuff.. and I feel well supported...so thank you.

I do have a psychologist who I'm seeing weekly.. and yes you're right- I agree that I need to explore some of this stuff with her. I was referred to her through a community mental health team... I was in a very bad place a couple of months back and had the crisis team on my case. I have stepped back from the ledge so to speak.. but still have some really dark days.

At that point I also had to see a psychiatrist who out me on a couple of different meds. I think they're having a positive effect... I'm sleeping at least.

Sara.. like you, I am probably most concerned with what people would think of me if I were to come out... and ultimately the unravelling of my life. I fear that if my marriage broke down my children would be taken from me... because of all my mental health problems I'm scared I'd be seen to be unfit to care for them.. and they're still so little, they need their mama.

I'd probably lose my job too... I work in a religious environment and even if they couldn't fire me there would be consequences.

And.. Maybe partly, I know my (ex..though I hate that term) ... has chosen to be single although she's finally accepted she is gay.. and she wouldn't have me. It's so complicated... but I guess if I knew she would be waiting then maybe there would be more of an inclination to consider things differently.

The trauma stuff bothers me a great deal... and I really wonder whether it's had such a severe impact on my sexuality and the decisions I've made. I suppose that's what therapy is for.

Thanks again... So much. It's a huge relief to have found a safe space.

Birdy77 · ‎06-12-2017

I hear you bluebell, you have so much at stake. And if you were to come out, you feel like you could have everything you hold dear taken away. A really scary prospect.

Talk to your therapist, and cintinue to air your thoughts here as much as you like.

You have listening ears and lots of empathy and understanding here.

Be very gentle with yourself.

Warmly 🌻🌻🌻birdy

b_l_u_e_b_e_l_l_ · ‎08-12-2017

Thank you. I'm not in a very good space right now... so the feelings of loneliness being tied into my mood because no one in my world knows what's happening for me just exacerbates the despair.

It's a very confusing and isolating world to be in right now.

Just Sara · ‎09-12-2017

Hello Bluebell; (and shout-out to Birdy! What wonderful caring and wisdom you have 🙂

You're obviously an intelligent and insightful woman which expresses itself thru the pain in your words. I've used those terms to describe a plethora of members who've graced our forum since joining in 2015.

It seems the gift of intellect drives many on here to challenge their state of mind and in the process, find firstly our will to recover, then analyse why it's so. That stage is the most confusing and hurtful because it uncovers our truth which has been suppressed for many, many yrs.

I'd like to use my own situation to reflect on how BB can help to ease this process for you if that's ok.

Traumatic experiences began at birth for me, then infancy, childhood, adolescence, young adulthood and maturity; it didn't seem to end. I endured a life of all encompassing abuse from loved ones, work colleagues, strangers and myself. I finally broke in 2014 and in the scheme of things, it felt worse than any abuse I'd encountered.

I was trapped inside my own body like a deathly prison until 18 months later when I came upon this site. My breakdown was the best learning curve of my life, and I DO NOT say this lightly. I 'existed' within psychosis, emotionally excruciating thoughts/feelings, and tore my mind to pieces trying to survive.

I hadn't found people before with such encouragement, understanding and love until that day. I was swept away by genuine care and compassion which led me to believe I could recover with members support in my corner. And...I have.

Unlike other sites, BB members 'delve' and 'strive' to help ourselves thru helping others. We commit to our mental health with passion and abandonment because we're worth it. We shed our layers thru words; anonymously and without judgement.

We can speak here in safety; an all important formula of BB's success and reputation because it works!

I came out on BB and carried that experience into my life as I saw fit. I chose only to disclose it to people I trusted like my psych and one sister; that was enough for me.

One small step at a time I learned about 'me'; who I was and could be. I learned boundaries and skills to manage my symptoms and cope with 'me', as well as others.

Being here Bluebell is an opportunity for life, not just putting up with the pain.

I'm sorry I took up this whole post with my story. I just want you to know it works if you work it!

Warm thoughts;

Sez

Birdy77 · ‎09-12-2017

Dear bluebell,

I just had to jump in and say WOW about Sez's post. What a wonderful story. And an ongoing one.

I wont say much but it just struck me that although i know you are feeling in a bad place right now, feelong like nobody in your life knows what's going on for you ... but we do! This space you created right here on this thread ... we are real people and we hear you! It might not feel real because it's online, but i am right here on my back deck reading your words again and those of Paullus and Sez and you're Out to us!! Yippee! That's a good thing! Even if we're the only ones you're Out to right now, like Sez said : "one small step at a time i learned about 'me'; who i was and could be". That's what you're doing here too, on this thread. And if that's all you can do for a while to come, that's ok.

Sorry, this probably isn't helping much with the other parts of you feeling in a bad space, but i got really excited when i read Sez's heartfelt post and i thought, that is so awesome, this space here is the start of you, bluebell, being you.

Love and light all 🌻🌻🌻 xo birdy