How do you know?

[BeeHut]

I think I might be gay but I'm not sure. I'm scared to tell my family because it would tear them apart and I'm scared to tell my friends in case I'm wrong. I feel awful for not being honest but I feel like coming out would be selfish. I don't know what to do, I just wish I knew what I was for sure so I could make a decision without worrying about my feelings changing. I feel like there's no point talking to anyone about it as it is, but it's driving me crazy. I don't know what to do about it.

[Neil_1]

Hi there BeeHut  

Welcome to Beyond Blue and ‘well done’ to you for providing your post.  Short, to the point but quite a bit of info there as well.   Let me have a go at breaking your post down a little.  

Your first sentence says a lot – basically it stands out to me that you aren’t sure.  Then run with that – you’re not sure and that’s ok. 

What’s not ok is for you to feel awful – no way should you be feeling awful.  You mentioned about not being honest and being selfish.  Now, this just cannot be – again because you simply aren’t sure.  

 And just let me say, that if you are or if you aren’t – you’re still the product of your parents – their child and for all intents and purposes, they should love you, care for you, support you, unconditionally not matter what.  

Now these are just my suggestions – so do with them, whatever you see fit.  But I believe that until you’re sure, I really don’t believe that you should be telling anyone, if you don’t feel right about doing it.  I don’t see the point in saying, “I could be gay”.  

The problem I see is:  “How will you know?”   I’m sorry, as I have no answer for that.  

Can I just say though, that with how you’ve expressed yourself in this post, you have a wonderful caring nature about you – in that you are extremely concerned about loved ones and how they might feel, etc.  That tells me you have a really genuine and loving nature.  

I honestly don’t know if my post to you has helped – maybe in a small way it might have – I also hope that other posters may join in with a couple of better suggestions of their own.  

Kind regards  

Neil

[justinok]

Hey BeeHut - not talking about things is one of the worst things you can do. Bottling your feelings up helps no one. But I know what its like to be young and worried about your sexuality (I'm guessing that you're a younger person). I felt just the same as you about worrying what family and friends would think.  There's a lot of crap put on being gay by society, and that's what creates all the anxiety, otherwise you wouldnt be worried. 

If you cant talk to anyone in your life about this, then maybe you can talk to some people online, like here or on other sites, the internet was not really a big thing when I was coming out so I was totally alone with the feelings youre describing, thankfully you are not.

You may like girls, you may like boys, you may like both. There's no right or wrong answer here. I can understand your fear at losing or upsetting friends or family, and these are real concerns, but I hope that you will come to realise first and foremost that there is nothing wrong with you, and that acceptance is their issue, not yours, should it come to that.

Back to your first question, how do you know... it's a funny question, and one that I like to turn around. How do straight people know that they're straight?  There's a funny video on youtube where they ask people that in the street, they ask them 'how old were you when you first knew you were straight'. Most people are floored by the question because they've never even considered it.  Yet gay people are asked that question all the time.

Coming out is not selfish, being who you are is not selfish. But it sounds like you're a few steps back from there, if at all.  If I were to ask you a question, it would be why are you thinking you could be gay?  What's put that question in your head? 

[BeeHut]

I had a boyfriend two years ago and I thought I loved him but something felt really wrong the entire time and I just wasn't attracted to him. I guess that's what started me wondering about it. After we broke up I started to realise that I feel attracted to girls sometimes but I've never fallen in love with one so I don't know. I've also been told that sometimes people identify as one thing at one point in their life and then it changes as they get older.

Thanks for your advice, it's really nice of you.

[BeeHut]

Thanks for what you said, it's really lovely. I'm glad I came across that way.

I just have to say that there is an issue with my family in that most of them genuinely believe that being gay is bad for you. I mean, they are really lovely people and they do love me unconditionally, but for most of them I think it would be a lot like me telling them I have a mental illness or a drug addiction. They'd want to help me, but I think ti would kind of make things worse.

[justinok]

My family said horrible things about gay people when I was growing up. This didn't make me any more confident about coming out, and I won't lie it wasn't a walk in the park when I did, but generally speaking things do change when it's 'one of your own'. It's easy to slag off other people's kids but things tend to be different when it's your own son or daughter. Have  a lot of mates for who its been the same.

Falling in love and attraction are two different things, mate, so I wouldn't worry too much. Attraction, well for men that kinda thing apparently happens every ten seconds haha.  Thankfully not falling in love, or the world would be a mess.  You may be bisexual, but I wouldn't troube yourself with labels right now.  As mushy as it sounds, just go where your heart takes you.  Coming out probably isn't going to be an issue unless you have a boyfriend again.

[geoff]

dear BeeHut, I thought that I had replied back to you, and if so it didn't pass the filter, I don't know why, but never mind I'm here.

Can you tell us how old you are, not that this really matters, but the question you are trying to find out is whether or not you are gay, and perhaps that's why I have asked about your age.

What I would expect is that as Justinok has said is that you maybe bi, which then leaves both doors open, and because you had a boyfriend a few years ago and that you decided that he wasn't for you, doesn't rule out the possibility of being gay, and I say this because a male could go out with a female but they too don't get on, and this doesn't mean that he is gay, it's just that the relationship didn't click.

So you will go through the next few years going out with either sexual partner, so this will then make you choose which one you favour, and if you are gay then so what, your gay, just as you could be bi or hetersexual, the decision is yours, which means that you should not be tormented or ridiculed, because no one can force you to change. Geoff.

[BeeHut]

I'm a girl. Should have said 'I think I might be a lesbian', it's just that I've  always heard the two phrases used interchangeably for girls. Sorry about that. I'm turning nineteen this year. I also didn't mean to represent my family as being horrible about sexualities. They are not rude or awful to the lgbt people they know, they just disagree with it. They disagree with it because they think it's bad for the people involved. They believe in sin as a concept created by god to help people, so for them being told that lesbianism is wrong by god is like a parent telling a child not to run across a road. Of course this is just in general, some are more judgmental than others. But as far as it goes for all of them, trying to stop me from dating girls or acting on my feelings would be an act of love and protection. I don't feel like I have the energy to fight them like that, and I don't want to get between them and their faith. I love them all very much, and they are really good people, I didn't mean to make out like they weren't

 I'm afraid I have been complaining too much with this thread. I really appreciate the advice you've all given me, and the time you took to reply. Thank you very much.

[justinok]

Oh no, I have to stop talking to you now 😛 😛 😛

 I don't reckon you've been complaining too much at all, it's important to be happy, be who you are and be with someone you love.  Personally I have no respect for people's 'faith' if it gets in the way of someone doing that, especially if they're your family.  But i wish you all the best.   

[geoff]

dear BeeHut, well this is a decision which you will have to consider, and by no means am I taking anything away from your parents, as they of a religious believing, but it's your life that you have to feel comfortable with.

I personally don't have any religious following nor do I believe in any faith, but that's my choice, however if you are a lesbian then so be it, and there is nothing wrong with this, but you can't be unhappy living in a hetersexual relationship, because that's not what you are inclined to be, so what I am saying is that no god can force you into any relationship that you are not made out for.

You may satisfy your parents but this isn't going to make you happy, so you may have to hide it from them, but then I'm not how long this would last for, because they will always be asking you about bringing a male boyfriend home, so really you are going around in circles.

I know that you all love each other, so you will have to decide what you want to do, and if I was you I know what I would be doing, and hopefully they will become accustomed to the fact that you are what you are.

Have you yourself spoken to the priest where your parents visit, and see what he thinks, maybe he might accept the fact that it's OK, which will then satisfy your parents. L Geoff. x