FTM about to enter the real world. will life get better

[sofaking]

17 year old FTM. DIY HRT for 2 years (do not give me an essay on why its bad, no doctor is going to prescribe me hormones until Im an adult, I would rather do this than let myself be poisoned further through endognous estrogen) I am only out to my friends, not a single adult at my Christian school knows, they probably think Im a freak of nature butch lesbian brainwashed by the gay agenda.
once i leave school i hope to blend in and go stealth and avoid talking to people from my past life at all costs, except my family who i cannot entirely cut off but they also think im a freak of nature butch lesbian and will never change their views.
Will i be able to go stealth at TAFE? legal name change n allat. I will never be able to bring anyone to my room to date because I would rather hang myself than come out to a stranger. I will be stuck being a 5,7 eunuch until 2030, is this life worth living? Will someone decide somethings up with me and go E-stalk and out me? Will people want to hunt down my old teachers for some reason? 
I hate being a FTM with every fiber of my being. I hate every second i am truly aware of my existence, the only time that I feel normal is when Im playing video games, watching cartoons or doing drugs, this will be my future for at least the next 5 years. 

If anyone else has suceeded at blatantly lying about their: entire childhood down to which toys they played with, which school they went to, the real reason their parents don't like them, sexuality. Please let me know. 
I have to talk to at least 1 teacher about changing my name by the end of September, as i would have to get my name changed for my graduation cert. 
 

[Sophie_M]

Hey Sofaking 💙

Thank you so much for sharing so openly here. The weight of everything you're carrying really comes through in your words, and I want to acknowledge how incredibly tough that must be.
It sounds like you're feeling deeply misunderstood by those around you, and that sense of disconnection can be incredibly isolating.

Graduating from school can be a pivotal time. For many, it brings a greater sense of autonomy and the chance to connect with people who truly see and accept them. We hope that this possibility offers even a small glimmer of hope during what feels like such a painful time.

If you’re interested, QLife could be a really valuable support. They specialise in supporting people exploring or navigating their gender identity. You can reach them on 1800 184 527 or via their webchat – available 3pm-Midnight 7 days a week.

You’re also always welcome to reach out to our Support Service on 1300 22 4636 or online if you feel like talking to someone. You don’t have to go through this alone, we’re here for you.

Thank you again for posting. It takes real courage to open up like this, and we’re so glad you did. Please feel free to keep us updated if and when you feel comfortable. We’re here to support you.

Kind regards,
Sophie M

[Reminiscent_sky]

Hello Sofaking, hope your day is going better than it could be

unfortunately I can't answer quite a few of your questions because I am cisgender myself and could never claim to understand the transgender struggle first hand but I thought I might add a little something that could get you less worried about things moving forward.

I know (and am still quite close with) a few trans people that I grew up with and one thing I noticed is that once high school was over it's like they underwent metamorphosis and transformed into their true selves. Who could've guessed that when you're released from the clutches of a backwards thinking community you're allowed to become who you truly are.

So to answer one of your questions. Yes, your life is absolutely worth living. Don't let the idiots that don't understand the concept of "gender" and "social construct" beyond a cursory thought stop you from being you.

it's truly a shame that we need to have these conversations in the first place when in reality you're just a guy trying to get through life. People who feel the need to pry and dig for dirt so that you feel uncomfortable in your own body (which unfortunately there may well be, but losers like that are few and far between so I wouldn't let it get under your skin) can go eat sand.

For now partaking in your hobbies isn't a bad idea, you get to enjoy yourself from time to time, it came with your human experience after all. Just remember that 5 years is a long time so you might find out that a little luck may come your way, be that a doctor that you can afford or a safe space where you feel safe to be yourself, you could learn you're allowed to spread your wings a little sooner than expected.

-When the bitter cold air chills you to your core, allow a moment to reminisce and look to the orange sherbet skies.