Confused about what I'm feeling

[beeswithnohoney]

Hi BeyondBlue! I hope this is okay to post here. I'm feeling really confused about a few things and not sure where else to go.

For a bit of context: As far as anyone in my life knows, I'm a lesbian. I came out when I was 15 (I'm now 20), and I've always had a feeling that wasn't quite right, but I felt pressured to pick a label, so "lesbian" has been my default answer for years when anyone asks. Internally, I've gone back and forth on a few different labels. The one I come back to most is asexuality. I'm very uncomfortable with my own body and I have trouble picturing myself ever being with someone in that way. I've even wondered about being trans, but I do like most aspects of being a woman - I just hate the anatomical parts. I've ended up taking a "cross that bridge when I come to it" approach, which basically means avoiding the dating pool at all costs, and trying to pretend certain parts of my body don't exist.

But I've finally come to the bridge, and it feels like everything I've stowed away is starting to pour out of the proverbial cupboard. I met a guy last weekend who I really hit it off with. We met at a function and spent the whole night together. I liked him a lot, and he was really good-looking, so when he asked me out this weekend, I said yes. Maybe this was wrong of me, but I kept the lesbian thing a secret. I was honestly excited to see him again, so I figured, what's the worst that could happen? But as the week went by, it started to plague my mind, and the excitement turned into sickness (by which I mean actual nausea and stomach cramps). I had a great time with him today, and I felt perfectly fine while we were out. It was pretty innocent - we just got to know each other and held hands, nothing crazy. But ever since I got home, I've had that same sick feeling, and I can't stop thinking about it no matter what distractions I turn to.

I'm struggling to pinpoint exactly what's making me feel this way. I've gone back and forth on a few answers: maybe it's my body telling me he's the wrong person, or maybe it's the thought that he'll expect sex from me someday and I don't want that, or maybe it's the fact that so much of my life and social circle is centred around my queerness and dating a guy feels like a betrayal somehow. I'd have to re-come out to everyone I know, and I don't even know what to come out as. And the worst part is that I'd have to come out to him, too, and maybe even explain all this. So I guess it's a combination of things? But he wants to see me on Monday, which is a very short deadline to figure all of this out, and I have no idea what to do with myself. Any advice would be appreciated!!

[white knight]

Hi, welcome 

You might think a 70yo heterosexual man has no advice? We'll see.

Missy Higgins, the Aussie singer described her sexuality perfectly a long time ago. "I see myself as fluid, not fixed". She had a long term lesbian relationship at the time. Then they parted, she married a man, had 2 kids and they parted. 

So there is no need to pigeon hole yourself in any one category.  If your friends question you - "I'm fluid, it depends on the person and I like him".. is all you need to say.

As for the near future if and when your relationship develops, if its meant to be he'll accept it. Personally I'd wait till you feel you are both falling in love. 

The "what if" thoughts are intrusive and they can become damaging to your mental health in particular anxiety which is serious so best to rid them by doing an action like going for a walk. That gives you distraction. 

True love with whoever you find is worth the flexibility of choice. You're an individual, that doesnt mean you have to fit in a conventional LGBTIQ box.

The last thing is self love that for whatever reason has eluded you. Excessive loathing can turn a partner off. When you do find love accept your partners account of their adoration of your body. Their love means they love you mentally and physically.  If you answer "yeh right, why would you love my body" or similar, you're deflating their feelings as if they are in error. We should allow them to love us freely. Also as its a difficult path to change your appearance its far easier to grow to like yourself or love yourself. Worry isnt productive. Type "worry, worry, worry" in the search bar.

I hope that helps and good luck. He sound like he's worthy of your loving heart.

TonyWK 

[sbella02]

Beeswithnohoney,

Thank you so much for posting here, and we warmly welcome you to the forums. I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with this, navigating relationships can be challenging in general, but this challenge becomes heightened when we're also questioning aspects of our identity (which is very normal, by the way). 

I feel like my experiences may be quite relevant here. As a bisexual woman, I too feel like my experience of my identity has always been underpinned by these invisible but pervasive heteronormative expectations and ideals. I'm generally quite avoidant when I meet someone, yet I tend to be rejection sensitive so I have the potential to become anxiously attached to people if my avoidance pushes them away. Because of this avoidance, some days I find myself questioning whether my attraction to men is superficial and based purely on what is expected of me, or whether my attraction to women is rooted in society's objectification of women rather than genuine attraction. But then again, this would imply that I've never truly been attracted to anybody, which is not true.

The point of this story is that attraction itself is incredibly subjective, and the experience of attraction can be highly susceptible to anxious thoughts and self-doubt. There is often a fine line between different types of attraction and it can be difficult to distinguish between them, so try not to be too harsh on yourself if these confusing feelings are muddying your thoughts. We can't help who we are attracted to, and this attraction can change, develop, and look different at different stages in our lives. 

It sounds like you're quite introspective, particularly with regards to your identity. Has putting this particular experience into words helped at all? Would you consider writing this all out in a journal at all? This can be another great way to make sense of difficult feelings and talk yourself through things that you may have been feeling but not been able to express before.

I suppose my best advice is to take it as it comes. Let it happen, if you're comfortable with that, and try not to assume anyone's motives if you can avoid it. You also don't necessarily need to have a plan for the future when you're first hanging out with somebody, especially if they haven't explicitly stated that they feel a certain way, or asked how you feel in return.

If that conversation happens, don't be afraid to be honest with how you're feeling, in that you've always identified a certain way and that you're unsure whether you still fit into that label. If he's meant to be in your life, he'll approach this conversation with understanding, respect, and a willingness to navigate it with you. If you don't feel emotionally safe and supported in that conversation, then he's likely not somebody who's meant to be in your life. Try also to keep these in mind during these interactions:

• Do you like him as a person?
• Do you relate to his way or life or his outlook?
• What qualities do you admire about him?
• How does he treat you (respectfully, supportively, is he listening actively)?

At the end of the day, these will often override attraction in terms of determining somebody's suitability in your life.

With regards to coming out, this is a deeply personal journey and unless you want to share this aspect of yourself with people, you don't necessarily have to. It may help to organise the thoughts and feelings swimming around in your mind first before tackling this. 

I hope this helps, please feel free to reach out again if you'd like to chat, we're here to support you.

Take care, SB