Finding a Job Where You Can Be Yourself?

[RosalieHoney]

Hi guys,

first time poster here, a 24 y/o afab, with neurodivergency and chronic illness. I am bisexual and exploring my sexuality and gender further.

The situation is that I grew up in a very intolerant religious household where I could not be who I am at all, and it hurt me a lot, as I'm sure many of you know. I've spent the last few years dealing with depression, anxiety and trauma and learning to feel safe exploring who I am. The lockdowns really helped me to feel like I can be myself, and I'm finally ready to explore work/study options and begin building a life for myself - as me. I've been very isolated, and I don't have anyone who doesn't fit the 'norm' to ask about well, how to actually do that.

Here's the tricky thing. When I go to work, I feel a whole ton of pressure to present as straight, neurotypical, and generally very different to who I am. I've worked in a range of jobs to pay the bills including disability support and admin roles. I'm quite shy but very confident and outgoing when I am comfortable. It feels like I've spent all this time learning how to be myself, but then I can't be me from 9-5 for 5 days a week. I live in a trendy neighbourhood and I see a lot of people who have coloured hair, tattoos and unusual or androgynous clothes and who seem to laugh and joke with coworkers in chill cafes and feel so utterly comfortable in who they are.

I don't feel like I can ever have that. 😞 And I'm so baffled at how they've found that supportive environment. All of my jobs have felt like I have to put on a costume to go to work.

I've just moved to a new city, and I'm exploring new work and study options. If you are open about who you are, what industry do you work in? Do you feel like you have to hide? Are some industries better than others? Any and all advice is welcomed!

Thanks in advance ❤️

[Croix]

Dear RosalieHoney~

I'd like to give you a warm greeting to the Forum, a good move on you part to come here as you will find a fair number of other people with experience you can draw from.

You ask questions that many do and i can't give you complete answers, all I can do is offer a few thoughts. You've my sympathy over both your chronic illness and the mental injury done to you by others.

I guess I can only realy offer two things, the first being if you have passion, be it anything from playing a sport to curating at a museum, it may be worth retaining most of that mask 9-5 and still gaining sufficient satisfaction to make it worth while. Yes, I know this is not really an answer to your question, but sadly we live in an imperfect world.

The second is that I work in the mental health arena, and here persons of the LBTQI+ community tend not be not only accepted as persons the same as any other (as they should) , but are often sought out for positions where their experiences and life views are a positive asset.

As you have mentioned yourself intolerance lead to your depression, anxiety and trauma, and you are be no means an isolated case. Stigma and lack of tolerance harm many and they require understanding assistance.

Even something like coming out may be helped by guidance as to the pitfalls and advantages.

As a result I'd suggest this is one area (or industry if you are going to be unkind) that may be suitable if you are interested.

Other than that the only other suggestion I have is networking. If you see group's with whom you have an affinity then if you can join in and as time goes on you may learn where they are employed and the nature of that employment.

I hope this is of some small help

Croix

[sbella02]

Dearest RosalieHoney,

A warm welcome to our forums, and thank you for sharing your experience. I'm a bisexual cisgendered woman, so I can relate to at least part of your experience. There are definitely some parts of myself (like my sexuality) that I have to hide in certain situations. I was lucky with one of my first jobs, I had a few queer coworkers who I could confide in and bond with over our shared experiences of coming out or receiving negative feedback from people who aren't accepting.

The section of your post that really resonated with me was the importance of finding a workplace that accepts you and supports you in your identity. I'm studying to work in the mental health industry and like Croix, I see a lot of value in this industry for LGBTQIA+ people like you and me. Speaking only about psychology as it's my area of expertise, I know that this is a profession where you have to be understanding of different people with different contexts. I've found so many people in my studies who are also part of the LGBTQIA+ community, and have formed fantastic friendships with these people. Even with my own higher study, I plan to conduct further research into the growing area of sexuality, gender identity, and the interplay between them.

The arts or even performing arts industries are two more where people from every different context and background are accepted and revered. I know that in theatre especially, there's a place for everybody, even if you're on the quieter side and do not want to be front and centre in a huge stage production. From my time doing theatre, I've worked with a diverse range of people (mostly queer actually) of many different levels of extraversion and different places on the neurodivergence/neutrotypical spectrum. Even if you're not artistically inclined, there are always behind-the-scenes positions that are just as valuable and important to the success of the final product.

You mentioned that you live in a neighbourhood where people seem to be more accepting and "trendy", would you feel comfortable confiding in one of these people about your experiences? Would you feel comfortable asking one of these people if their workplace is hiring? You may find that asking people in your social networks can result in you find a job that meets your needs.

I hope this advice has helped in some way, please keep us updated 🙂

All the best, SB

[Petal22]

Hi RosalieHoney,

Wellcome to our forums!

You being you ……. Celebrate it…. Well-done….. embrace yourself and the people who are your people will join you……

Please don’t feel pressured to act as straight if your not………. Just by being yourself you will attract opportunities that are meant for you…

In an interview process you don’t have to disclose anything you don’t want to but present yourself the way you wish……. Just try not to overthink and go for it.

I wish you all the best.

[DJay___]

Hi RosalieHoney.

Hmm, well, I work in the security industry with customer service being a big part of that role. Years ago I put on a uniform and tried the straight approach but over time I have realised this won't work anymore. I am a openly Pansexual guy and let myself act accordingly to any situation. I have been lucky to meet some great Gay, Lesbian and Transgender people in my line of work. This gives me great confidence to help with their situation, being able to approach them and speak with them without any prejudice to who they are.

Being in this role has helped me be a better person who can help out those who need it. Most often after helping GLBTIQ+ people I'm left feeling good inside. Perhaps a role in a shopping centre or some other customer services regarding security could help.

I'm not saying it's all rosy as u do encounter some idiots, you try to put those out of your mind as the role can be full on when busy.

Hope this may have helped.

Kind regards,

David

[Earth Girl]

Technically speaking, all jobs should let you be yourself. I think it may actually be illegal for managers, bosses and co-workers not to accept you for things such as sexuality, gender identity, ethnicity, etc. Even if you work in a carer role, you should be allowed to wear the clothes, tattoos, hairstyle, etc that you want (just as long as you are dressed appropriately, so no low chest, shoulders or midriff being shown as you may already know).

If you are worried about people's reactions to the "new you" at work, you could try taking things slowly. For example, you could each day dress a tiny bit more like the way you would want to dress, then make your hair a bit shorter in a month's time, then colour or style it the way you want a week after and maybe a month after that, get the tattoo you want/show your tattoos that you have, etc. (You don't have to do all of this in this exact order though, just do what you are comfortable with and take the time that you need to make transitions which may be longer than a week or month).

But if you really don't feel comfortable presenting yourself how you'd like to at work, maybe you could work from home for a while or as a cleaner or something that doesn't involve seeing many people and then present yourself how you'd like to around friends until you are comfortable to do the same with others?